Stinkin' RAD. The reality of post adoption life is this: it's a roller coaster of beautiful highs and ugly lows. It's long and it's two steps forward, one step back. It's exhausting and it's not for everyone. This post is not a pro-adoption post. We had some great days with E and Zeke showing some attachment signs (sorry, lady who didn't get any Rwandan love) and now we are in the midst of riding another low. This is for the mamas out there just trying to find joy after coming home.
I know I have readers that know the old me, the BA (before adoption) Kara. The free spirited, go getter. I'm still there. I just have this new purpose, this new heart, and this new love. And it's not for my boys or adoption. It isn't about orphans or Africa. It's about seeking God in every aspect of my life in levels I never knew I needed God before. I can't get through some of these ugly days, when the things that happen in this house are too gross to even whisper about. I can't go to work without being broken for the mamas I deliver. I don't see Molly, Blake, Etienne and Zeke as merely amazing kids with big hearts that I need to send to Sunday school and instill American values in. Their hearts are at stake here. Somewhere between Kigali and Council Bluffs, God shook the self-reliant, free-spirited me and said "Look, you can't do this. My love is sufficient." And than everything I thought I knew was gone.
I desire to serve orphans in their distress. I want to promote adoption. But more than anything, I just want to seek God. There aren't therapists, RAD specialists, teachers or other parents to get me through the really bad, don't-talk-about-it days. I share this to encourage other families to do the same. When you are suffering or ashamed that AA (after adoption) life isn't what you wanted, know that your purpose here with your child is so much bigger than you ever imagined. It's okay to lament and it's okay to cry. Even in front of your new kids. That is exactly where you will find Him. And to all those who think "this is what you wanted;" you are right and I have so much more.