Thursday, December 15, 2011

God vs. Community

"Little E," Etienne's birthday gift that he LOVES because "he looks like  maybe I looked"
     Truthfully, since Etienne's birthday, we have been in one of the toughest times to date.  There have been days when I literally feel like my heart is breaking.  I physically have pain and it isn't a "poor me" pain.  It's a suffering for my boy's soul.  I don't want to get into the attachment behaviors, the sleepless nights or the sad conversations we have though.
     This suffering is something I know only God can heal.  I totally believe and know and find comfort in that.  It's my own hurt that I am navigating.  If you are thinking or praying about adoption this is for you.  If you already adopted and the meals have stopped coming, this is for your.  If you have a neighbor or children that have adopted, this is for you.  It's important to know that the cute child that laughs big, smiles bigger and doesn't know a stranger could very well be a totally different kid at home.  Kids who struggle to attach and bond typically save their ugliest behaviors for their moms (I know, I know you are saying 'all kids are worst for their parents') but comparing RAD behavior with naughty-for-the sitter behavior is like apples and oranges.  So if your girlfriend, daughter-in-law or coworker is struggling with her adopted child, you can know that she is getting the brunt of the behavior.  Probably when she is alone.  And probably after that child has been an angel at a family gathering.  Which feels like salt on a wound.
     I am not asking for sympathy.  No pity!  I wanted this.  I still do.  I have isolated myself, made an island, out of selfishness.  I haven't been able to find words for some of the people who love me best.  And that is my sin.  It's two years out.  I can't remember a lot of the details of our first weeks home.  So I get that it's difficult for those who love us to understand our hurt right now.  But I am so grateful that adoption redefines community.   
     I have been blessed in my suffering because I have family that will brainstorm better absorption systems at night.  I am touched by a co-worker who says 'You are sighing a lot, are you ok?"  I am encouraged by text messages of prayers.  I am grateful for girlfriends who bring me salads, just because.   I am motivated by Zeke saying "I rang my bell loudest for Jesus!"  My strength is renewed by the writings of Isaiah, promising a savior who will take my son's broken heart and our families wounds, and redeem us.  

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