Saturday, May 29, 2010

Yup, still got it.

Giardia that is. Zeke's stools have increased in number and stench again. Results came back "large spores of giardia," and "parasites of unknown significance." Awesome. As my fellow adoptive mothers well know, we don't need a lab test to tell us when our kid has giardia, but the professionals do. So Zeke spent another long day at Children's, getting more labs and sticks with no answers still.
What's crazy is that my adoptive friends, Becky, in SoCal, was doing the exact same thing with her son,Judah, on Tuesday as Zeke and I were. He's from HOH too. Getting all the same tests and screenings. We spoke later in the day, after both boys were exhausted from being poked and prodded, not knowing until then that we were sharing the same battle. God is cool like that.
We are now searching to unfold why it is that Zeke can't seem to fight the giardia. It is a difficult balance for me to turn off my nurse practitioner button and only be mommy, to stop my self from investigating and obsessing about those stinkin' cysts and spores. He is a trooper taking another 4 (yes, 4) weeks of Alinia and Bactrim together. The bottom line for me is that he is thriving and happy. Yes, he still weighs the same as he did in Rwanda and the diapers are gross and the number of wipes we go thru is ridiculous; but ultimately no one else is catching it and he is acting more and more like a 2 year old. That's good right?!?
On a fun, "Firsts" note: we have tried all week to convince Etienne and Zeke that playing in the water and taking your shirt off outside is totally fun and ok. Zeke says "get dressed, GET DRESSED!!!!!" the entire time he's in his trunks. To the point that his siblings request that Mommy please just take the baby in and put his clothes on him.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

What did I need?

This is how Blake and Ezekiel travel these days. I am in love with the love my kiddos share with each other. They are hysterical and sweet without knowing how encouraging it is for me. I still have days where I cry on the pantry floor. Etienne still doesn't know he is loved unconditionally. Zeke still stuffs his mouth full until he gags. We continue to be thrilled with a full nights sleep. But the boys have a sparkle in their eye! They laugh and sing and bob their heads to the music. AND Zeke screamed hysterically when I went to work on Friday! I cried tears of gratitude at this (long awaited) sign of attachment. So blessed are we.
Now God has put been nudging me for several months, but I can't quite put my finger on how. I feel so strongly that I need to be doing something for other adoptive moms, but I can't visualize how it should look. A support group? A grant? Books? Fundraising projects? I am in no way, shape or form an expert on transitioning home an adoptive child (someone let me know when the transition is over!) but I still feel called to serve other families, to be doing something to carry on James 1:27.
I think back to last fall and even this winter, at the days I was so completely broken and lost. I am SURE that I had post adoption depression, but I didn't have anyone to call or seek help from. It was truly the first time in my life that I had absolutely no resource. All that was left was God's grace. That is a beautiful place to be. But it is also lonely and unsure. What did I need? What would have helped me? The answer to this is what I haven't quite solidified, but when I do, I think I'll have a better idea of how I can continue James 1:27.
P.S. I am open to feedback and suggestions from all my sacred adoptive/bloggin' sisters.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The hardest job you'll ever love

A year ago, we had been approved by the Rwandan ministry and we just waiting for the phone call for our referrals. During that time, I knew by than that my children were alive and waiting. I would sit in our rocking chair, praying and crying that they weren't in my arms. I prayed every day that there was someone to kiss their ouchies, rock them every day and tell them about God's love for them. I physically ached that they weren't with me.
This year, Etienne and Ezekiel's birth moms are on my heart. I wonder if they are saying the same prayer for their little boys that I said last year. I wish that I could hug each of these women and promise them that I would give my life for E and Z, just as I would my biological children. I wish that I could hear what it was like the night my little boys were born, did they come out with their eyes wide open, or was Etienne slow to awaken like he is now? I will never be able to tell them this, but they will always be in my heart. Since having Etienne and Ezekiel, my ideas of their birth families have evolved. I treasure who they are and the amazing love it took to place their boys in the arms of a stranger. What faith it took to know that God was ultimately holding their children when they no longer could.