tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35518159080669772462024-02-19T04:59:53.211-06:00Room4More!!!adoption, attachment & everything in between...Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.comBlogger379125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-58588801630675245702015-01-10T08:17:00.002-06:002015-01-10T08:17:40.032-06:00Last year at this time, I felt totally certain that the verse God hand stamped this verse on my heart for 2014:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past! See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert." -Isaiah 43:18-19</blockquote>
Boom. That was it. I felt this most certainly applied to the hard stuff in our house, to the new battles <a href="http://www.imanakids.org/">Imana Kids</a> was getting ready to fight, and even to Crazy Town, our former "renter." So I prayed and I dwelled and I studied this.<br />
Rather than pray for my E, I tried praying more for myself. Don't get me wrong, of course I continue to pray for all my children. But I began to really be convicted that I needed to change me to change this family's dynamics, to help my son to heal. I don't want to cause more trauma, and I felt like parents can do a lot of damage in trying to mold a hurt child into someone that God never intended them to be. If that makes sense?<br />
I started praying to be a "fun mommy" more. I prayed aloud, in front of all my kids (we like accountability, right, moms? Why can't we be accountable to our children?) that I would be patient and my words would be kind. That we could look at what God is doing, that He can and will make a way in the desert. We started talking a lot about His Truths.<br />
I am not going into details because I can summarize it with this:<br />
Yesterday, 6 professionals that know our E well and care deeply for him could not tell us <i>why or how,</i> but that they can pinpoint a significant improvement in his behavior and his academic ability since November. And that the improvements are consistent. Trauma parents, you all know consistency is so big.<br />
We know the how and why. We actually high fived each other in the meeting.<br />
God is doing a new thing. For E, in the past few months, his new thing is that he has been able to sleep through the night almost every single night. This is life changing for our family of 6.<br />
Sleep is something we haven't had in good amounts since we adopted our boys. Sleep can't happen if you are really scared, if your brain is processing trauma or you are so overwhelmed and dis-regulated that you can not relax.<br />
And that's all I am going to write about for a spell. You all have loved us well and I want to keep you updated from time to time. At the risk of being offensive, I don't want parenting a child from a hard place to become an idol. There is a fine line between therapeutic lamenting vs martyrdom. I could continue to share with you the stories and conversations and moments that are surely more worthy of reality television than something the Kardashians did last week. And I will, sometimes.<br />
XOXO <br />
Kara<br />
PS Ezekiel still hasn't lost any baby teeth, which is a status thing in first grade. Unless you are Ezekiel, and you consider growing multiple rows of teeth , like a shark, because you figure you'll never have to look silly with a "hole in your mouth."<br />
<br />Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-72391491770024870072014-10-07T20:47:00.001-05:002014-10-07T21:08:02.779-05:00Then he said this. Once, in college, I was hanging out with a student priest (is that a thing?) in a bar in Guatemala. All good stories start like this, don't they? He was about my age, but our worlds could not have been further apart. My priest-in-training friend had grown up in a rural village in the mountains of Guatemala. He was an orphan. He told me that as a young boy, he had been adopted by another family, but that he later ran away from them. I asked him why and he told me that he never felt like he fit in because he was darker skinned than his adoptive family; and that because he was old enough to remember he was adopted, he could never "forget." He said that even though they told him they loved him and that he was their son, he never really felt like he was theirs. Oh. I didn't have words then, and I still don't now. It just sucks. As a naive college girl, this conversation made me stomach hurt and opened my eyes, just a glimpse, to the plight of orphans. I wish I could find that priest friend now and give him a mama hug.<br />
I remembered of that story tonight because I am praying for God to speed up His healing process for my own boy. It seems like we've had E forever, that surely enough time has passed for him to feel like he is home. It seems like all our repetitiousness, our intentional <i>everything</i>, our deliberateness with him would have erased his painful passed. It seems like it to us. But we aren't really the ones that lived it. That live it now. Tonight, after E told a lie, I told him that I was praying for the day that he could trust me with all his heart. He began arguing and I held his hands and told him that even if he lied to me every day for the rest of his life, I would still love him and be his mom. Then he said<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"But what if you want to send me back?"</blockquote>
Just like that. Ripped my heart right out of my chest. My son, that has been home for 5 years, went on to tell me that the reason he comes in our room sometimes is because he wonders if we will send him back to the orphanage if he is bad. He even said something about how "even the nuns didn't want me after my birth mom took me there."<br />
So we cried together. We prayed for God to bring E redemption tonight. We prayed that he would know in every corner of his heart that we forever his. Come Lord Jesus, come. Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-68441019933667745742014-09-22T17:26:00.000-05:002014-09-22T17:29:29.454-05:00We're back.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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SO. I took some time off on the blog. I realize so many people like to "keep up" with us and I also know that in keeping true to my transparency, a lot of other moms feel like they aren't alone in learning to love their kids. I'm back.<br />
Here's some highlights of the summer of 2014:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Etienne went to summer school. All day, 4 days a week, for 5 weeks. We were sad to send him but didn't want to regret it down the road. He ended up loving every moment of it. The rigid schedule is good for him; when he knows what is going to happen each hour of the day,he has a lot less vigilance and anxiety. Which means a lot less hyperactivity to try to be patient with. We would pick him up every day, head to the pool and stay until dinner. </li>
<li>We spent a long weekend celebrating my grandfather and all things related to Paxton, NE. It didn't matter that we were in a teeny tiny town in Nebraska- all 6 of us in a hotel room was some kind of crazy trigger for Etienne. After that, he thought he should sleep in the same room as everyone in his family every single night. For real. He did his best to sabotage every routine and plan so that he could end up with his parents (and if possible siblings too) in the same room. Since we never want him scared, and its so hard to know what his brain is doing, we bought into this for awhile. Yikes.</li>
<li>Ryan, Molly and I were in Rwanda for a couple of weeks and the boys loved having Grandma and Grandpa Camp and Nana and Pops Vacation. They got to do "things that cost money" and "drink pop a lot". We are so thankful that our parents love us well. We can continue to do our Imana Kids work because of their support.</li>
<li>Blake played select baseball and did his best to recruit E, but E only wanted to DH.</li>
<li>On that note, all the kids watched "Field of Dreams" with Ryan for Father's Day. And just yesterday, after seeing a long line of cars, Zeke quoted the movie. #awesome</li>
<li>Decided to jump on the no dye, no dairy, no processed foods train. We are trying this in hopes of decreasing the volumes and amounts of bed wetting and maybe knock E's hyperactivity down a notch. The no dye, no dairy isn't hard and most days, I already feed us freshly prepared foods. But when I'm baby catchin', it is harder for Ryan. We aren't doing awesome at this.</li>
<li>The boys sat through all (!!!!) of "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," by CS Lewis. This was thrilling for me in so many ways; it's my favorite book and it's the first time I have been able to keep my Rwanda babies attention with a book for more than a few minutes.</li>
<li>Ezekiel can run 1.78 miles with me. It's a blast having him as a running partner.</li>
</ul>
I'll be back to blogging again. We've been approaching a lot of our E struggles with a fresh angle. Like everything, it's two steps forward and one step back. More to follow...Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-89003994353654734372014-07-10T20:43:00.004-05:002014-07-10T23:50:08.271-05:00Baby cries I was taking a hiatus. I wanted to go the whole summer without blogging.<br />
Nobody likes a whiner. And it's always the same old drama. Dis-regulation. Hypervigilance. Lack of sleep. Lying. Blah. Blah. Blah. Yada, yada, yada.<br />
Gonna spare you the gory details of summer share something beautiful instead. One of those moments I will treasure in my mama heart forever. <b>THIS.</b><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A nest next to MAMA!!!</td></tr>
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My E has had some especially tough nights. Like newborn feeding kind of schedules. We never, ever get angry at him. I offer to snuggle him when he wakes us up but he always gets upset and resists it. He just wants our "help" when he changes into dry pants, bedding, etc. Lately it has been goofy stuff like "I heard something naughty outside" or "I was just talking to myself a lot." I <i>know</i> he is afraid of something but he won't or can't say what. And I can't comfort or give him peace.<br />
Tonight we were pulling into the garage from running errands. Etienne started to apologize for waking me up last night. I told him no big deal, and then I asked him what I ask him every night. Every. Single. Night. <br />
"Maybe you are afraid or worried about something and you need me to help you pray about it."<br />
My E started sobbing. It was the most real, genuine emotion I have seen from my son. Deep in his heart kind of gut wrenching sobs. Big, big tears. Then he let me climb on to his booster seat. I got to pick my great big boy up and rock him and he didn't push me or tense up. He just leaned into me and cried.<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
He told me that he is so afraid that his mom and dad will die without him someday.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
He told me he is so afraid that he won't know how to drive a car or read a book or "pay for things."</div>
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He told me he is so afraid that he won't know how to tell the truth or respect people without us.</div>
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He told me that when his mom and dad die and go to be with Jesus, he wants to too. </div>
<h4>
"Because, mom, why wouldn't I want to just be with you and dad and Jesus?"</h4>
Then I asked him if he would sleep with me and dad. He finally, finally said yes.<br />
<br />Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-5053700023693539442014-05-06T14:51:00.000-05:002014-05-06T14:51:05.757-05:00Hospitable<h3>
Hospitality </h3>
It's funny how God reaches us, isn't it? This morning I was reading through some scripture on hospitality. The gift used to be peculiar to me; I didn't really appreciate how welcoming someone into your home could be considered a spiritual gift. Since my hubs is always looking for a reason to smoke meat and our dining room table is the <a href="http://www%2Cimanakids.org/">Imana Kids</a> HQ, we often have a few extra cars in the driveway or a guest sleeping over. We dig it. We're <i>totally </i>hospitable, all six of us. <br />
A good host has fresh towels out, ice tea chilled and kiddos that keep their clothes on while company is present, right? Wrong. This is not the same as hospitality. This is entertaining. If my desire is to practice hospitality in the biblical sense, it's not about how clean my bathroom is or whether the boys smell or not. It's about serving His children. All of them. The ones that are easy to love and the ones that press our buttons. We want to welcome others into our space because that's how God loves others. He meets them where they're at and welcomes them in.<br />
Paul wrote a lot about others hosting him. In one chapter alone, he references a girl named Lydia, a girl who tells fortunes and a prison guard, all of whom he goes on to dine and stay with after becoming baptized (Acts 16). Strangers became family, just like that.<br />
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<h3>
Being at Home</h3>
What makes a house a home? I think about how it feels whenever I go to my friend Nicole's house. She's got lots of kids too and part of the reason I feel comfortable is that I know she gets what it's like to herd cats. There's always a low level of chaos and that's okay. In her space, I feel loved, safe and wanted. I can't recall if she has fresh bath soap or whether there are dishes in her sink. I know that when I'm there, I can let out a sigh of relief. I'm safe and I'm loved there.<br />
The Greek word hospitality is <b>philoxenia, which means 'love of strangers'. </b>I know that Paul talked about showing hospitality to the poor and the brokenhearted, the tax collectors and prostitutes. But I'm just gonna say it. There are still many days when I look at my son, whom I know with all my being is <i>my son,</i> and he is so far away and distant and removed. A stranger to me even though it brings me to tears to admit it. I need to love that stranger better. I need to show that stranger whatever I can to so that he can exhale that he is home.<br />
SO. So just when I think I can't bend any further, God throws me this. How do I better make my baby boy feel that his family is his home? What can I do so that he can rest well and have peace in our presence? There are tangible solutions: empty his room of everything other than a bed, restart our rigid after school routine, eliminate activities. But I also know that I need to check my own heart. I gotta let go even more. Part of being hospitable in a biblical sense is meeting the needs of those around you. We go in these phases where we think we can jump back in to the rest of the world, doing the American run-around-be-too-busy drama. What my son really needs is less of that and more of us.<br />
<h3>
Over and over again. And repeat.</h3>
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My kid also needs the kind of mercy and grace that I show my guests. Instead of raising my voice as he (deliberately) defies me once again, I gotta press on with the kind mommy voice. You know the one; the after the first-cup-of-coffee voice. And keep that mommy voice going over and over and over again NOT EXPECTING to be reciprocated, however hard it may be. Because I know in my heart of hearts that at the end of the day, if I am continuing to correct and discipline and correct and discipline my E, he's going to feel defeated and unaccepted, and ultimately, unloved. Yuck. I hate to let that settle. </div>
<div>
I don't know why it's harder for me to feed the poor and show mercy to the brokenhearted then it is to show patience to my son. But it is. I gave up a long time ago into whatever I thought "normal" looked like. Yet there is still this part of me that wants to change things I can't change; and that's the part of me holding my son back. Come, Jesus, please come. I want with all my being for my E to feel at home. I want him to be able to climb onto my lap and fall asleep feeling safe and wanted and loved. Home.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tryin' for a snuggle</td></tr>
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-49200070615015318702014-04-22T21:28:00.000-05:002014-04-22T21:28:20.137-05:00Hard stuff I haven't written much lately because I am just worn out. We've had a lot of battles to fight. Hard stuff with Imana Kids. Hard stuff with our house that won't sell (and deciding to let that battle with the "renter" go). Hard stuff with our jobs. And a few weeks ago, hard stuff with my health. Don't get me wrong; we know our cups run over with blessings. But we could really use some good news. <br />
Sometimes we try to control the hard stuff. Do we do something, try to move forward, fix it? Or do we try to rest in Him? I often wonder how to find the balance between being God's hands and feet but also being still. Waiting on Him. Our adoption has taught us over and over and over again that we have to wait on Him. We don't have a choice; we can't quickly heal or erase the hurt that orphanage life imprints on a child's heart. Only our heavenly Father can do that.<br />
Tonight Etienne was on his second meltdown of the day. When he gets to spiraling, I've gotten to this place where I can physically separate me from myself...like I watch me in motion. I think it is the only way that I can respond in an attachment way rather then being angry and mean. Don't let me fool you, in my head I am screaming and it sometimes takes all my willpower not to swat him. I made the mistake (again and again) of trying to hold him. He pushed me away harder and looked panicked. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I said "E, stop, why are you pushing me like that?" </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
He said "When I am mad I have to protect myself from you hurting me."</blockquote>
Kick in the gut. And the heart. We've been loving him for almost 5 years. 5 freakin' years. And still. His gut instinct is to protect himself from me. His mama. Ugh. This is hard stuff too. <br />
Do I overreact? Yup, been doing it for years. Do I get emotional? Always. Am I a yeller? Not usually, but more now than before I had 4 kids. Do I hurt my kid? Oh my. I pray, no. But hearing my boy say he has to protect himself from me makes me replay every ugly scenario we've lived. And people wander why we haven't started spanking him "yet". Is it my words? Am I mean? Am I over correcting and nagging and ugly? Sigh. <br />
So once again, I am resting. I am waiting. Be still. Psalm 46:10..."Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among nations and in the earth." I have got to let this one go. I've been trying and trying to be hands and feet to my son but even my hands holding him aren't going to fix it all my son's wounds. My son whose heart is on the mend.<br />
Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-63366713951867221212014-03-24T10:04:00.000-05:002014-03-24T10:04:28.934-05:00Turning Away For 2014, our house has been talking a lot about repentance. I really like this definition:<br />
<h3>
Repentance: to turn away, in both mind and heart, from oneself to God</h3>
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For my non-Christian loves, Webster's Dictionary defines it like this:</div>
<h3>
Repentance: 1. deep sorrow, compunction or contrition for a past sin, wrongdoing or the like. 2. regret for past action</h3>
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I think all of us would agree that it's really difficult to change a behavior if we just don't care. Isn't that why I still drink Vanilla Dr Pepper? I know it's the same reason my pregnant smokers still smoke. We just don't care enough to <i>turn away from past mistakes.</i></div>
<div>
For Etienne, Ryan and I have really prayed through accepting how some things will always look or (dys)function. We really don't want to spend our lives nagging and disciplining and running ragged because our son won't change. Yet we know his loving, squishy heart and we desire for him to live in a way that allows others to see that heart too. </div>
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Forget the attachment models. I'm tired. I just want redemption in one area of our crazy life. So we've been giving examples of repentance ("see the snot running down Zeke's face from his sobbing? He's sad that his ninja moves took out the plant"), of conviction when we are wrong ("This mama was wrong to freak out about pooping with the door open, it doesn't really matter, it's just gross."). We've been working on memory verses in the bible. And, more than anything, we've been specifically praying for Etienne to repent. </div>
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Friday night Etienne put a hole in the drywall in the bathroom. Since he's done this a time or two before, Ryan has gotten fairly skilled at the patchwork and repair. I can sand and paint. But GEEZ WE JUST DON"T WANT TO SPEND OUR TIME AND MONEY DOING SO!!!!</div>
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When E did the damage, I didn't lose my cool like i did in the above sentence. I told him I was angry that he did something he's been asked by his parents not to do many, many times. I made him clean up the immediate mess on the floor. While he was sweeping the crumbles, he started crying. Not his fake, manipulative whine but real snotty tears. He began telling me how he knew dad would be upset when he got home. I sent him to his room to pray and then I held him on my lap until Ryan got home.</div>
<div>
This is a big deal. I realize my skeptics will speculate that he cried because he's afraid of his dad. He's afraid of his dad being upset. Any of you who know us know that Ryan doesn't raise his voice, we don't physically discipline E and I can count on one hand the times I have seen my man really, really mad. I don't care about skeptics though. I care that I saw and heard a little piece of repenting. Whatever the root of the reason, it doesn't matter. We start little and we grow these things big.</div>
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-23176196430342550642014-03-02T20:12:00.001-06:002014-03-02T20:12:13.386-06:00Baking Bread and stuff Etienne's been having some rough days (and nights). My E has been home from the orphanage for over four years. But every moment that he was lying in that cold metal crib, away from my arms, damage was done. We are still reminded of it. When he stares right through me and tells ridiculous, absurd lies. At 3 AM, when he wakes us up because's he's taken his shirt off and undone his bed; my brain flashes back to a memory of rows and rows of cribs, all full but silent. Our poor kiddo, he knows somewhere in his brain all the things he should not do, but he does them anyway. His lack of self-control makes me sad, and truthfully, fearful of adolescence. The constant battles he fights, they suck. It's ugly and it's not fair that everything is so hard for him. <br />
Honestly, it also infuriates me too. Remember when you were chasing after your two year old all day, keeping them from hurting themselves and constantly finding a nice way to say "no"? Yes, that. There are days that I want to scream that he is <i>still</i> not convinced of our love.<br />
The thing that helps is those ugly memories of his first <strike>home</strike> stop. Thank you God that I can't forget. Thank you God that You can make good out of the bad. Thank you God that I today I found empathy with those memories. <br />
Trying to embrace the <a href="http://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.com/therapeuticparenting.html">attachment thing</a>, even though it makes me want to pull my hair out. That means E stays by my side. We decided we'd do some baking. Molly made bread, E made banana bread and Zeke and I made sweet potato soup. All at once. Music blaring, flour flying, everyone talking at once and no one really listening. It was a blast. The only thing he broke was eggs. Lots. But no lies were told. He smiled at me and I wasn't pushed away once. We laughed that Molly's bread tasted like glue and rotten bananas are fun to squish. We talked about birth moms and yeast and how the Oscars are stupid. It was messy and loud and grand.Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-22902744195793998772014-02-28T16:47:00.002-06:002014-02-28T16:47:45.374-06:00Birthday BoyToday Ezekiel is 6. I can't get emotional about it. I just can't. He's my baby. Our last one. Sniff. He's also especially quirky and easily celebrated (<i>most of the time</i>). If you don't know our Zeke, here's a few highlights of his character:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>For his birthday, he asked Ryan and I to sleep in his bed with him.</li>
<li>The boy can't walk. He runs, jumps, hops, skips or falls everywhere he goes. </li>
<li>Ezekiel's first six weeks home he cried. If he wasn't crying, he screamed or he hollered. It was awful. His eyes were flat and lifeless. Then, mid cry on Oct 23, 2009, he stopped, looked at me, smiled a goofy grin and reached for me. He's been our "sparkly eyed smiley face," as Molly calls him, ever since. It was such crystal clear evidence of God's grace.</li>
<li>Ezekiel loves spicy anything. For real. A lot of children with sensory issues have somewhat subdued or delayed taste buds. No joke, we are getting the kid a ghost pepper for his "Spicy Party" tomorrow and his cake has a jalapeno on it.</li>
<li>Yesterday, Zeke got $5 in the mail. He turned around and tried to give it to Molly for her Rwanda trip. We stopped him.</li>
<li>The boy repents. Big, huge, silent tears. It is beautiful and genuine. </li>
<li>We're still smitten. Every single day I am so, so grateful that I get to be his mama.</li>
</ul>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First meeting. Terrified little buddy with "mzungo" mama.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkTU3uTm6sK5kR0e3xENvk92QGsBdjfeuSSbykwNa4Ir7xLx8A1opQT5_BZIdvh2o1GstpN_NZEXrXPTUwJrQORlLLqvRkTi9BmL2HcgLCknP1UyZU7i4W4oDdqVEENARFz1Re1hsHYEJo/s1600/426687_10152849659100436_1341064243_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkTU3uTm6sK5kR0e3xENvk92QGsBdjfeuSSbykwNa4Ir7xLx8A1opQT5_BZIdvh2o1GstpN_NZEXrXPTUwJrQORlLLqvRkTi9BmL2HcgLCknP1UyZU7i4W4oDdqVEENARFz1Re1hsHYEJo/s1600/426687_10152849659100436_1341064243_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sparkly eyed smiley face"</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is actually a normal nightly tuck in.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioUOhj2wPGvO3Od5CPKFiop65nXUjc05ck82aPPtvW698o97yUdcSb_P6GwppS6ev1dT8l6Mb-cCMUsYNBk0OIiw2Jsz3t-PcE0Dy9mEAg-qxP_5fcoSZBs_l8B3ULnDq-AIWCCGUBW94G/s1600/946795_10152803065155436_788778442_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioUOhj2wPGvO3Od5CPKFiop65nXUjc05ck82aPPtvW698o97yUdcSb_P6GwppS6ev1dT8l6Mb-cCMUsYNBk0OIiw2Jsz3t-PcE0Dy9mEAg-qxP_5fcoSZBs_l8B3ULnDq-AIWCCGUBW94G/s1600/946795_10152803065155436_788778442_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Zeke: 47 lbs Blake: 41 lbs</td></tr>
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<br />Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-2611671528782289432014-02-11T20:56:00.001-06:002014-02-11T20:56:24.518-06:00Wanted.I asked Ezekiel how his day was. He said (in his Barry White voice), arms crossed, scowling,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Great until I got mad at my friend!"</blockquote>
It is really hard for Molly, Blake and me not to giggle when he gets angry. It's that voice, it kills us every time. Molly rubs his little dreads as we sit down to get the whole story about why Ezekiel got so mad.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I was telling all my friends about how I have a birth ("berf") mom in Rwanda. Then ___said I wasn't wanted by her!"</blockquote>
Ugh. Another kick in the stomach. Knowing my Zeke-ee baby, I had to remain stoic and play off his reaction. He gets really emotional ,or really not, depending on the weather. I decided to hold my own gut wrenching inside for a moment.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"So I told him 'MY MOM STAYED UP ALL NIGHT LONG WORKING TO GET ME AND MY MOM WENT IN AN AIRPLANE FOR 2 DAYS TO GET ME!! MY WHOLE FAMILY WENT TO BRING ME HOME!!!"</blockquote>
Oh sweet Zeke. He's been listening. All the nights that we tell him how much we wanted him. All the snuggles and stories of working extra hours, of waking up early to check our emails, of aching arms as I rocked in my chair, praying my boys home. He was listening. I am <i>so</i> grateful that my Zeke is confident in his place in this world. <br />
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-46217855332663377512014-02-04T07:50:00.000-06:002014-02-04T07:50:10.093-06:00Can't buy me love (or friends)It has been a week since our terrible day, as E calls it. The one where Etienne's friends mocked his black skin and all that crap. Sorry, but it is. If you missed it, scroll down to the previous post. <br />
Here's the rundown in the last week. His teacher and the other parents think he's fine. No big deal. Whatever. We know that is how our boy copes. In his life, he has learned to deal with pain and his defenses are crazy high right now. Poor E is having a rough time sleeping, leaking through his layers, then not going back to sleep and he's all cleaned up. He's bullying his brothers and making ridiculously stupid choices. Totally spiraling. There is a connection with his behavior and the stress in his life. <br />
Last Wednesday, he tried to sneak food into his bag to give to other kids that had made fun of his skin. He said "I just want to give this to them so they know I am nice." Friday, he attempted to sneak his piggy bank to school to give his money away. During the Super Bowl party, he wanted one of the other little boys to have his watch. We are telling him over and over again that our friends love us because we are kind and fun to play with. In his confused, hurting little mind, he can't separate this mess out.<br />
I am kidding myself and others if I say I have found peace with this. I keep thinking about how the other little kids, yes, they felt remorse. Yes, they "learned their lesson," they'll never mock or tease a black kid again. It's great that these kids were molded but it was at the cost of Etienne's heart. Only God will be able to erase E's memory of the conversation, the tears and the pain.<br />
God found glory in this still. Last Wednesday, as I was waiting to get my E, a woman approached me, tears streaming down her face. She said "You are E's mom, right?" Then she went on to apologize and to express the grief that she and her husband were feeling that their child was a part of the conversation with E. She said "I know your son won't forget what the other kids said, and I am so sorry. We are so sorry and we are so sad." I hugged her and I told her I forgave her and that E had already forgiven his friends too. She got the enormity of what went down at lunchtime that day.<br />
We've learned a lot since doubling our kids. One thing I know is that no matter how much suffering we go through together, we <i>always, always</i> feel God with us in the midst. Our praying together is peaceful and renewing, even if it is just tears and mumbling. On days like this, the days when E needs crazy amounts of one-on-one time; it just so happens to coincide with Blake wanting to lug Zeke around everywhere while Molly desires to play art teacher with them. There's no mom guilt when the other three don't want me around. And for any parent that has more kids than grown ups in the house, we can all agree that is a gift. <br />
<br />Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-90499542487245322982014-01-28T21:18:00.002-06:002014-01-28T22:31:27.315-06:00We knew it would happen someday. I missed a phone call from the Principal today. A voice mail said that I had nothing to worry about, "E is fine, just an incident over lunch time." Before I had a chance to return the principal's phone call, Ryan called me with update on what went down.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Our E was mocked because he is black.<br />
His friends told him kids from Africa are toilets.<br />
They said because he's adopted his real mom didn't want him.</blockquote>
<br />
I hung up the phone and puked. Then I cried and I prayed for my son. After that, I put on my best face and headed to get my kiddos. The principal and his teacher told me that he "handled it well." By the time he went back to class, he only mentioned to his teacher that a couple of other kids had been good friends to him when he was sad (<i>thank you, God, for this</i>). Sweet boy. <br />
But his daddy and I both know how he internalizes everything. After school he came up to me and pushed his head hard against my stomach, his form of affection. Everyone climbed into the car, all chattering at once and no one listening. I asked E if he wanted to talk about what happened. He started to cry and told his siblings about his bad day.<br />
Ezekiel cried. Blake yelled that he wanted to beat the kids up. Molly hugged him and told him how much we wanted him even before he came home. <br />
We decided that we would sit in the van, in the school parking lot, and we would pray for those kids. So we did. E said he had already forgiven them. We talked about how God love those kids too. And that we have to forgive because God forgives us. E's so awesome sometimes. Then everyone cried some more together. Molly and Blake both prayed again for how thankful they were for their brothers. Followed by McDonald's for ice cream. I can't even believe how the four of them handled this. All of them lost a little of their innocence today. Those bullies, they hurt all four of my babies with their words.<br />
Sigh. To be honest, it was hard for me not to show how pissed off I was. Now I am just sad. These classmates, they've heard my adoption speech. They've all had E help them tie their shoes and hold the door open. And still, this. We knew that someday our black boys would face racism. I think that I had convinced myself that our family's presence, our feel-good adoption month speeches and our frankness at discussing our various shades of color would somehow avert my boys from the sin of the world. <br />
Really, a parent can only protect their child for so long. It sucks to see your baby hurting. It sucks even more when it is because of discrimination. And it reiterates my belief that being "color blind" is stupid. I won't fool any of my children into thinking that race doesn't matter. Because, unfortunately, as we were reminded today, our family's love is indifferent to skin color, but the world's is not.<br />
The only remedy here is God. Those parents and their children, we can try to remold their stereotypes; kill 'em with kindness. Ryan, Molly, Blake and I can tell our boys over and over and over again how much we want him. We can take E to a black barber shop, we can move into an all African town, we can read every book written on trans racial families. Yet until Etienne and all of his little classmates know their worth-<i>that Christ died for them-</i> then I don't know that much will change. Come Lord Jesus, come.<br />
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<br />Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-58119729253579610992014-01-25T08:17:00.001-06:002014-01-25T08:17:24.588-06:00Trust<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> It's been a couple weeks since I've written. In the back of my head, I have a little reminder button that alarms after I hit a week mark of no writing....I've hit snooze a lot lately. :)<br /> For 2014, I have decided that my word is SWAY.</span><br />
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<h3>
Sway</h3>
<div>
<i>verb </i>/swei/</div>
<div>
<div class="ds-list" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; margin-left: 1cm;">
<b>1. </b>To swing back and forth or to and fro. See Synonyms at <a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/swing" style="color: #645e7d;">swing</a>.</div>
<div class="ds-list" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; margin-left: 1cm;">
<b>2. </b>To incline or bend to one side; veer: <span class="illustration" style="color: #226699; font-style: italic;">She swayed and put out a hand to steady herself.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;">3.</b><div class="sds-list" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; margin-left: 1cm;">
<b>a. </b>To incline toward change, as in opinion or feeling.</div>
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<b>b. </b>To fluctuate, as in outlook.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I always have a prayer for the year that I write for each of my family members. The first week of the New Year, Ryan was working in Rwanda, so I had extra time to pray and reflect. Something God revealed to me in choosing this word was that maybe some of the struggles that we have in our day to day functioning wouldn't be such a struggle if I could bend a little, like a tree. Maybe if I let go of what I want. Like, if E can not walk upright, if he persistently crashes up and down the stairs, but he doesn't do structural damage, how much does it matter? Why do I need him to fix his gross motor skills? Sure, we need new pants every 3 months but the thrift store is just down the street.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> If Etienne constantly fills his pockets and hands with trinkets or trash, it really doesn't matter to the rest of the world. He can just check all pockets, crevices and holes for garbage before we load the laundry in the washer.<br />Yet there are some things that I can't sway on. Trust being one of these absolutes.<br />Overnight, I heard Etienne up in his room. His diaper layers had leaked and he was crawling back into a soaked bed. I whispered for him to let me take the sheets off and after some resistance, he moved out of the way for me to strip the bed.<br />Later on in the morning, I reminded him that we don't want him sleeping in a wet bed and that he never, ever "gets in trouble" for wet bedding. He looked at me, with that flat expression that splinters my heart, and said</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b>"I can do it because I don't need your help."</b></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> On the surface, maybe this isn't a big deal. Maybe it's just him voicing his desire for independence. But coupled with leftover breakfast bars hidden in his pillow case or the temper tantrums when I cut his food reminds me that there was a time before I was E's. There was a time when he had no one give him food, wash his hair or kiss his boo-boos. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So I can not sway on that. I won't sway on earning his trust. That's our absolute.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">In case you missed it, Ryan and I, along with some dear friends, have started a foundation. In the first 3 weeks of January we have both returned to Rwanda on individual trips to work. I feel the judgement, "<i>Well, that can not be good for the children, when their parents are coming and going."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> Let me tell you this. Me coming home to my Molly, Blake, E and Zeke is healing. It's promoting trust. It's a live demo of what we've been trying to teach E for four years. Our family, our love, our commitment, it doesn't quit or go away. (Honestly, the reprieve is great and E's behavior is a little better when we get home.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So if you notice that E's clothing is falling apart, it's because his mama decided to sway on that. His crazy 'fro may look increasingly disheveled but he won't be alone in the middle of the night. I may force him to cover every cut and scratch with a band-aid and I will probably continue to annoy him when I try to rock all 65 pounds of him after a hard day. That's what mamas do. </span><br />
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-10257779253880845982013-12-30T22:48:00.001-06:002013-12-30T22:48:43.107-06:00"Which team are you on?" Four years. Tonight the balloon lady at a popular "kids eat free" night asked Etienne how long he had been home. I hate answering that question. It's so long. It's as long as the Olympics cycle, it's a presidential term. It's a lifetime. And it's such a horrible answer to how long my son has been home. <br />
Four years should be long enough, right? Surely, the majority of this kid's memories are of his parents loving on him. He can't readily spit out kinyarwandan and he no longer hugs strangers. So things are cool than? Hardly. <br />
I reexamined vigilant last post. The other battle that we've seen more than ever is argumentative, blatant "You are wrong and I'm not" behavior. Lemme explain. At lunch time I gave everyone a choice of soup or a sandwich. Etienne requested a cold sandwich. I let him help make it. Cold cuts, cheese, chilled mayo (d'uh). I set it in front of him. He touched it. Then he said, "That's not really cold. I'll have soup." Or when he snapped all of his brother's glow-in-the-dark necklaces, then screamed "I DID NOT BREAK IT. I SNAPPED IT." Then there was the "I didn't punch Zeke, I smacked him." Etc, etc. All. Day. Long.<br />
I guess I am complaining. I know, I know. He's not breaking furniture or putting holes in drywall. ("Kara, he's <i>so much better then he was a year ago"</i>). A year ago, he never screamed at me. A year ago he did not find every little fight, argument or literal interpretation of my words. A year ago, I didn't have this little fear sneaking in that one day he will get too mad at me. <br />
Tonight we hit a breaking point. I know that the lack of strict routine during holiday break is difficult for most families ("It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again..."). My son had decided to get himself out of the tub without washing and pushed me away as I tried to turn him back again. I reminded him that I needed to see him scrub himself. He argued that he could do it himself and he already did (he hadn't). It escalated from there. He screamed and pushed me. A lot. He's really strong. I lifted him back into the tub to just scrub the stinky parts, then let him scream. I had to close the door and leave. As my wise hubby says, to not engage him. Later, I returned and I tried to remind him that it's harder to make good choices when we are tired. More screaming that he's not tired. More pushing me. So I left him. I told him if he wasn't tired, tonight I wouldn't make him go to bed.<br />
It's the least attached parenting choice I could have made. I know it. My other kids needed me to read and snuggle and pray with them. So we did our thing and he did his own thing in his room. Later, I snuck in and I could hear him praying "I don't want to be on sin's team." As I type that, I cry all over again. I went to my son and I laid my head on his chest and I sobbed. He cried too (this is really, really good). He didn't apologize. That's okay. I told him I was afraid when he got angry, that he is stronger than me. I told him that no matter how mad he gets, no matter how big and strong he is, I won't stop chasing him. I can't stop chasing his heart. I told him that even if he never, ever trusts me in my lifetime, God has bound us to one another. We prayed together for a long time. I asked him if next time, when we started to fight, if we should have a code word. He suggested asking him which team is he on? when he is yelling. So that is our plan for now.<br />
I am not here to complain. I am here to share for the other parents out there. It has been four years. Four years feels like a lifetime and only a moment. Click <a href="http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/pdf/Attachment%20pamphlet.pdf">here</a> to a read a professional's explanation of RAD; because sometimes we have beautiful, healthy days. And sometimes we have ugly, long long weeks.<br />
I am not looking for pity or a casserole. I just want to explain this healing, it's a long road. There is a song, originally by John Mark McMillan, that has become me and E's lifesong:<br />
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>And how great Your affections are for me</b></div><br />
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>And oh, how He loves us, oh</b></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us</b></div><br />
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So tonight I am laying next to E on his floor. I've read some verses of Isaiah to him, our own little tradition in these four years. And I think of all the mamas in the bible. Hannah. Sarah. Women that waited and waited and waited on the Lord for their child. I thought that I had quit waiting for my E to be mine four years ago, when I first held him in my arms. Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-57485618216732961702013-12-16T09:27:00.000-06:002013-12-16T09:28:15.806-06:00Vigilance<h2>
<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">VIG-I-LANT: <span style="font-weight: normal;">alertly watchful especially to avoid danger</span></span></h2>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">VIG-I-LANCE: <span style="font-weight: normal;">1. the act, state or quality of being vigilant</span></span></h2>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-weight: normal;"> 2. the abnormal state or condition of being unable to sleep </span></h2>
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I've been wanting to share about vigilance for a long time now. It's the perfect word to describe my E; the way he carries himself throughout the day, how he appears when he with a group or even his family, and absolutely how he looks when he is "sleeping" at night.</div>
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We've been especially vigilant lately because we've had a birthday, Thanksgiving and now the holiday season. The fun Christmas activities, changes in routine and even sounds, smells and sights send lots of little ones into an oblivion. For my E, all the "fun" equates to lousy RAD behavior, lack of sleep, and crazy uncoordinated large motor skills (he fell down a flight of stairs TWICE Saturday, he fell UP THE STAIRS yesterday. Thank God he is made of rubber.). </div>
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Hearing the word vigilant, I used to envision a poor teenage babysitter, late at night, getting prank calls and being hypersensitive to the creaks and moans of the house. Or maybe the gal walking alone through an abandoned parking lot. Then, about 2 years into living with it, I began to recognize that my son is vigilant. Sometimes it is to what everyone else in the room is putting in their mouth. Other days, he's vigilant to every sentence that Ryan and I pass between us ("Mom! Wait! Did you just say that there will be whale at Sunday school tomorrow?"). It's super annoying and sad for us but for our boy, it has got to make him exhausted in general. Think about how you feel at the end of a suspenseful movie. The story has resolved and you naturally relax your muscles and exhale. And feel pretty tired, right? </div>
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The part that gets me is that my E is a kid. He's never seen a horror movie. He's never left alone and no one has left him out of anything in four years. Yet still. Before my E came home, he had the experiences and visceral emotions to shape him to be alert. On standby. Ready for fight or flight. All the time. Yuck. How can that not break my heart? </div>
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It's just a word, not a label. A window into his actions, if you will. So when you see my son in the coming days, give him some grace. He's asking what you just drank because he wants a drink too. If you hear him interrupting and pushing his way in, he doesn't want you to forget him. When you see him rubbing his eyes with his fists and falling down all over the place, don't forget that last night he hit his head on the wall , wet the bed, then awoke before the sun. </div>
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I am trying to remind myself of this too. When I want to hit him for dumping water on Molly's friends or sneaking into the bathroom when I'm peeing, I will phone a friend for prayer. This isn't his fault despite how long it has been. As much as we tell him over and over and over again that he is home. He has a family. Forever. <i><b>There aren't words to reason away fear of being hurt, both physically and emotionally.</b></i> You can't rationalize with someone that has been wounded. That's that whole "actions speak louder than words" thing. </div>
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So I tried something new last night when I was tucking him in. I made him repeat after me.</div>
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"My mommy and daddy love me." Repeat. As he said the words, I squeezed him tight and prayed that God would deliver him now.</blockquote>
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"No matter what I do, my family won't ever leave me." Repeat, kisses, hugs, pray. Repeat. </blockquote>
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"I'm not an orphan. I am a child of the one true King." Repeat, hug, squeeze, pray. </blockquote>
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-34892557163433411502013-12-03T11:20:00.001-06:002013-12-03T11:20:28.733-06:00We're not that into the Elf... <i>Reader warning: No judgement, promise? Do not take offense to the following true story. If your kids are into this new tradition, I am super excited for you. We are not.</i><br />
Sometimes I feel like I am on the Truman Show or that at any minute a TV crew will pop up from behind my couch and yell "Gotcha!" Our day to day life reminds me that God clearly has a sense of humor. If I take a step back, I can laugh at the absurdity too. This is follow up to several recent discussions regarding the Elf on a Shelf business.<br />
This morning, over smoothies and peanut butter toast, goes something like this. Zeke says (in his Barry White kinda voice).<br />
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"Mom. Most of the time we aren't really really good. And we don't have an Elf like the kids at school. So I don't think that Elf really works or he would totally be here. He is really scary mostly. Like he wants to hurt me." (He stole that line from the movie Elf)</blockquote>
Everyone then agrees that the Elf on a Shelf is scary and Molly tells the boys that the Elf wasn't around when she "was a kid." I made them promise not to ruin the Elf thing for all the kids that they know and they also had to promise on their remaining Halloween candy that they would not tell other kids that the Elf wants to hurt them. Blake decided that ultimately it would cause many kids to have new nightmares and we "<i>do not want to be the cause of scary toy dreams." </i>By the time we left for school, the Elf we were discussing had taken on more of a Chucky-meets-Babes in Toyland role. Yikes.<br />
It gets better. My kid, the one that just tried to walk naked out in the hallway while the neighbor girls were here, then proceeded to attempt sneaking his to football helmet to school, says<br />
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"Aren't we supposed to be good because it makes God happy anyway?"</blockquote>
Oh. My. Heart. Sometimes he is listening to me! Holy awesome. My same kid that says he will be a preacher (Step 1: Do not get kicked out of Sunday school) just gets the Big Stuff. And that's really all that matters in the end. I am ever grateful for these glimpses of glory and the humor that gets laced into it. <br />
PS I swear that I have never, ever shared that I am convinced that the Elf is a serial killer. Obviously, my kids are brilliant.<br />
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-22994299034439736302013-11-19T11:05:00.001-06:002013-11-19T11:05:34.754-06:00Breaking the Sleep Cycle I've written a lot over the years regarding our struggles with sleep (or rather a lack thereof). As I have learned more about my son and the rewiring of his thinking, feelings and even senses, I totally get why he does not sleep well. Who would, really, when they have such extreme conditions early in life? Of course he still processes old memories, old feelings and old fears at night. Of course he needs grace in this.<br />
That being said. UGH! Finding that grace for him in the last hours of the day is difficult for all of us. Our cycle here is that E wakes up early. Really early for a kid who goes, goes, goes without a nap or even a pause all day long. Usually, E is up 2 hours before the rest of the kids. Some days (note, I didn't use words like <i>many or most!</i>) he will lie in his bed humming softly or talking to himself. Usually he wonders to the bathroom at least two times. By the time the rest of the entourage wakes up, this kid is WIRED and ready to go. It's best for all of us if he gets dressed, brushes his teeth, etc, in my bathroom. His nonstop chatter, chanting, touching and stomping is a lot so bright and early. <br />
By the time 4 o'clock rolls around, E is done. Finished. Ready for bed. I would be too if I ran- not walked-everywhere, was hypervigilant to everyone around me and generally was on fast forward mode. That's where our strict routine comes in with the high protein, the sprints, yada, yada, yada. Basically we hang on until bedtime.<br />
Now usually I avoid asking for advice. Please don't take this the wrong way. It just stems from the fact that parenting E is never going to fit the mold for most kids. I've been hurt a lot over the years by this. I value all your opinions and thoughts but I have also come to guard my heart in this area. <br />
E is chronically sleep deprived. We can see and hear his fatigue. I don't know how to break this cycle.....I would guess that he gets about 9 hours of sleep. This is the kind of sleep that involves crashing into the wall, hanging off the bed, tossing and turning, keeping muscles flexed, peeing. Not that sound or restful.<br />
Thoughts? Suggestions? I'm bracing myself but I'm ready for my community here.Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-9176208453880430782013-10-31T17:32:00.001-05:002013-10-31T17:33:18.758-05:00This is so good! My E has been back to some sleepless, wet nights. He's coming home at the end of the day just <i>worn.</i> I know that it takes every fiber of him to behave, to try to learn, to not do so many things that he's constantly tempted to do. He is tired from trying so hard and it doesn't help that he isn't sleeping well. Remember when you had a baby and between late afternoon and bedtime, it's witching hour? Too late for a nap but too early for bedtime? Yah, that's us.<br />
So we do our strict schedule and it helps. Mostly, I really believe that God has softened my heart to him in many ways. I just don't care anymore about a lot of stuff. Ryan will roll his eyes at me because by 8 o'clock every night, E and I are arguing back and forth. We both have to "have the last word." I know my dad is laughing at this right now; this was always the reason I was grounded as a kid. He gets that from me.<br />
Today was different. Today, E came home, did his snack and his exercise and then-wait for it-he went and got his "sight words" and began writing. It's Halloween, people! Candy and lack of structure and routine!! He asked me to help him write his sight words in 10 sentences. There was no crying. No quitting. No whining or pretending to go to sleep. No thumb sucking. When he messed up, he crossed it out and started over again. It was awesome.<br />
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That is what we like to call evidence of God's grace. </h2>
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I had been pretty frustrated. We have a lot of stuff (mostly really good, see <a href="http://www.imanakids.org/">here</a>) going on. We have a dead beat <strike>renter</strike> squatter that owes us over a year's rent to our KS house. I was bummed about that terrible mess. At work, we've had an "intruder" (think guy with a automatic weapon roaming the halls of a clinic), super young teen moms, mentally ill patients. Just ugly stuff that weighs on me.</div>
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And then, BOOM. God shows up again. At my kitchen table in the form of sight words. Reminding me of what He is doing in my son. And in an orphanage in Kigali. In the homes of 55 (!) families that are matched with kids. What a blessed, insanely dramatic life we have here.<br />
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-47661813561032110612013-10-15T18:57:00.000-05:002013-10-15T18:57:08.999-05:00The NEED to talkThis has been a season of so much redemption in our home. In our Etienne. In my heart. Letting go of all our ideas of what "normal" really looks like. Embracing dysfunction. Living with two little boys that started their lives in an overcrowded orphanage is never going to look like a Disney movie. Remember those after school specials in the 80s? Like that. Only maybe without a quick resolution followed and a PSA.<br />
So I thought I had truly let go off all my grief and ugliness. I said I didn't care that my house is a bit damaged, that we don't all sleep well, that it's hard to find a sitter on Saturday night. And most of the time, this is totally true. Totally.<br />
Except there's this thing about behaving at school. We've been saying that we don't care if our kids aren't the best readers or mathematicians but we do care that they are all respectful to everyone; that they are showing God's love in their actions. To me, it seems fairly straightforward that if a grown up says "be quiet!" you do it. And when you obey, you show God’s love to your teacher. <br />
E's poor teacher has begun using this website called "dojo" to mark his daily behavior. We just log in every night and -voila!- there is a cute monster with a behavior pie chart thingy. My kid can not, CAN NOT, not talk. Don't get me wrong, it's light years better than the regular visits to the principal. But he's still failing miserably at getting through the day in the classroom.<br />
Today's talking was off the chart lousy. I'm trying to rationalize with him as we do our strict after school routine (high protein snack, laps around the house, help mommy in the kitchen). Even as I talk, I know it's pointless. Finally, I sighed and asked him why it was so hard not to talk. I swear this is what he said:<br />
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"I need to tell my table that Jesus suffered because He loves them so much. I need to tell them that."</blockquote>
Oh. I feel like God just took me and shook me upside down. Like He is shouting "Hello, Kara, this life is so much bigger than talking in class. This boy's worth is why I died."<br />
Holy awesome. How do we discipline a child who is desperate to share the gospel? So desperate, in fact, that he's choosing to sacrifice a trip to Pizza Machine ( we are not above bribes) because he NEEDS to tell others the Good News.<br />
I am not sure how to navigate this one. But I am beyond humbled to be trying to figure it out.<br />
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<br />Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-77420604510010945272013-10-08T17:43:00.000-05:002013-10-08T17:48:16.482-05:00"WAY TO GO!"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Friday Etienne got his first ever "Way to go!" These are awarded by the teacher for either being respectful, responsible, safe or caring. This was kind of a big deal (for obvious reasons). Then, on the way home, he chucked it out the window. Typical irony of our life. We love small victories and funny stories.<br />
We had parent/teacher conferences tonight. Cheering that we haven't had calls from the Principal this year. Thankful that no parents have complained or threatened us (not exaggerating, true stories). Bummed that E's poor teacher has to discuss a lot behavior drama with us. Bummed that school is not his thing. He is getting English Language Learning (ELL) again; she says that she can definitely identify some language barriers. Still. Etienne is also getting some supplemental reading. These are services that I never would have imagined I would be so appreciative or rely upon. They are essential for my son to learn. <br />
Rejoicing that she said "Some of the things he says amaze me. There are times that he comprehends things beyond years. It's like he's an old soul." This brought tears to my eyes. The only prayer that I have ever had for Etienne in public school was that people could see the real him; that his behaviors wouldn't hinder relationships or learning. Ultimately, his classmates and the staff around him can see his loving heart and caring ways.<br />
I spent this morning in worship alone. Reading scripture and listening to music. Reflecting on how far God has brought our family and my heart. I can't believe that the softness in my son's eyes, the way he leans into me when I am near him, or how in the past week alone we have been "lunch buddies" (packing the same lunch) and "work buddies," (doing home repair together!). This is so much evidence of God's grace in our home, in E's healing and my heart. <br />
Etienne is back to having a difficult time sleeping at night. This makes learning, behaving and functioning all day long a lot harder for our man. We have totally compensated over the years as to how much rest we need, but our prayer for E is that he may rest well each night so that behaving and learning is a little easier during the day.<br />
Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-9600052598717706092013-10-03T14:52:00.000-05:002013-10-03T14:52:52.716-05:00Nothing so broken. A couple of nights ago I got one of those moments. You know the ones. The kind that need savored, captured in a corner of your heart where you will never, ever lose it. Even in the midst of it, I told myself that I would relive this moment even when I was old and gray. Over the last few years, since we adopted two of our children from Rwanda, many of our moments have been rough. Painful and not blog-worthy. But the other night, I was gifted with a sweet moment over the letter 'W.' <br />
E's been home a long time now. Four years today, in fact. Long enough that most of our community doesn't really remember us from before we became insane (eh, I mean a party of 6). Long enough that it's easy for outsiders not to possibly grasp the enormity of how we became we. The intricacies that weaved our boys to us. Long enough not to understand that sometimes even the littlest thing, like only eating two helpings at dinner instead of five is a really big deal. Or how a six year old finally, <i>finally</i> recognizing the alphabet after four years of practice is enough to send his mama into a heap of tears.<br />
It's no secret that school isn't E's thing. Kindergarten was really all about attempting to grasp some of the general expectations that the world has on people. Don't put your feet on your neighbor. Stop clogging the toilets with paper towels. Avoid throwing your socks on other people's faces. Those. And also recognizing the alphabet, counting to 20. Tying your shoes. Sigh. By spring time, E hadn't really mastered any of the above listed. He did, however, share the gospel with at least 3 classmates, open his milk by himself and wrapped his way into his teacher's heart. That's about it. <br />
Before E had started school, I had done a couple of years of "homework" with E every day to help him try to catch up to the rest of the kids that didn't have three languages scrambled into their heads before the age of 4. Sometimes our homework involved tubs of rice, a string of dyed pasta or a bucket of water. We used clay. We explored forests. We celebrated when E sat for 5 minutes straight. Eventually, I realized I wasn't getting anywhere. The boy still had a blank look when we read "Chicka Chicka Boom." Every patient tactic I used failed. Two years of our efforts, and at the end of kindergarten he could not if his life depended on it identify more than a handful of letters. We knew, being the savvy attachment parenting gurus that we are, that this was because our son was still struggling to bond with us as his forever family. There was this wall between my son and me. I finally threw in the cards the day that my sister-in-law pointed to a McDonald's cup and asked him the letter. He didn't know I was nearby as he proudly said "M." My stomach lurched and tears filled my eyes. That was the last day that I did any extra "homework" with my son. We still read books as a family each night, but I quit trying to help E learn. It was pointless. He still cringed when I touched him. Our nights were sleepless, filled with a wandering six year old, wet linens and restless sleep. The kid still glazed over when I told him that I loved him. Each day we were filling every minute with strict routine and structure for our son; giving him less opportunity to spiral into uncontrollable behavior. After three and a half years, we had reached a point where I really believed that God would redeem my son. But redemption would not come in my lifetime. <br />
So we decided to go to Africa. Coworkers, the same ones that weathered years of me swallowing tears, avoiding calls from the Principal's office, generally looking frazzled, raised their eye brows. Family politely, subtly questioned if that was a good plan "for E." Why not? Really, we'd already been in survival mode for so long. Part of me wanted the 16 hr flight to just sleep. The rest of me just needed a break from constant frustration. It hurts to keep on loving on someone that doesn't reciprocate. We had reached a point where we knew that whatever repercussions would come from our trip weren't anything worse that what we were already living. <br />
We came home to the best summer ever. The kid didn't wiggle away from my touch. He looked me in the eye. We all six had fun. We laughed. We didn't speak of it, but Ryan and I felt that there had been a shift in our home. I found the energy to work on a little "homework" again. The week before school started, I asked E to do chalk on the driveway with me. At first he whined, but eventually I convinced him we could make a game. First, I drew a whale. He guessed it. Then I drew a whistle. After the whistle came the wave. Soon, E got that we were making the 'W' sound. It's a tricky one. Just say 'w' aloud. Doesn't it sound like it should start with a 'd?' I held up my middle three fingers, forming a wave or a 'W.' E could see it. Holding his middle fingers formed the shape of a wave <i>and </i>the letter. It was pure luck that I pulled that wave/three finger W thing together on th"e spot like that. Whatever. I asked the other kids to say 'w' words throughout the day to help their brother with the repetitiveness of it. For a couple of days, the six of us did great holding our three fingers up for a 'w,' trying our best to use silly words like "wing nut" and "walrus whisperer" in normal conversation. Then school came and we jumped into our fall routines of school, sports, drama, work. Life goes on.<br />
Ryan and I were tucking E in the other night. I was feeling a little guilty that we hadn't read that night, we'd watched "Wipe Out," instead. Ah-ha! "E, was does 'Wipe Out' start with?" I asked. It had been at least a week since we had practiced the tricky letter. E thought for a moment, then said<br />
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"Wa, wa, wa. W! Wipe Out starts with 'w'!" He grinned and held up his three middle fingers, forming his wave.</blockquote>
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"Worm! Water! Wave! Wiggle!" He continued with his words. We were all three smiling big, goofy grins. Then Ryan asked E.</blockquote>
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"E, who taught you the letter 'w?' Was it grandma? Was it at school? On Sesame Street?"<br />
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A slow grin spread across E's face. He put his arms around me, sort of pulling me to his chest. Then he said<br />
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"Mommy taught it to me."</blockquote>
By this time, I didn't just have tears in my eyes. I was crying hard and E kept wiping my face. We didn't need words to explain why this was a big deal. E knew just like his parents. That wall had come down. He learned something from his mama. For the first time ever. <br />
Sure, one could argue that I have indirectly taught my son many things since bringing him home. Speaking English, brushing his teeth or blowing his nose are all things he's learned living in a family. Those are all necessary skills for a child in a structured setting. This was very different. My efforts, four years of wheels spinning, hadn't ever gotten us anywhere. And here we were, on a random school night in September, crying our eyes out over the letter 'w.' It couldn't have been more perfect. Another chapter in our E's story that only our Creator could write.<br />
Redemption has come. In my lifetime. In unexpected and beautifully messy ways. It wasn't me. It wasn't the constant structure or framework. I can't attribute it to attachment parenting or a good therapist. It's so much more than that. God's love has knocked down that wall that brokenness and abandonment had built around my E. And it's not going anywhere. I can feel and see and tangibly touch the changes in my E's heart. His eyes are soft and he leans against me when we are near. E is all mine and I am all his. <br />
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-33592778395787128872013-08-30T21:45:00.000-05:002013-08-30T21:45:05.515-05:00Birth Moms I swear that the kids save up their most awkard ("Mom, where do you catch the baby out of?), embarrassing ("LOOK! That man looks like Chunk!) and heart stopping (see below) conversations for when Ryan is at work. I get to be the one to fumble, usually tearfully, through these moments with them.<br />
To be honest, Blake has been a stinker this week. That kid is either really, really good or really, really bad. Luckily, he's usually great. Not so much this week. Being the instigator that he is, Blake had managed to get his brothers naked, screaming and running circles around the dining room table. At one point, I hollered in my toughest voice something about birthing Blake into this world and taking him back out of it. Don't judge. You weren't herding loud, nude boys.<br />
A short while later, as I was lathering lotion on the now clean, naked boys, Ezekiel began to cry. Really big tears rolled down his soft cheeks. Sweet boy said in his deep voice<br />
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"Mommy, I don't know if I am supposed to love you or my birth mommy more."</blockquote>
Oh my heart. I wrapped him in the biggest mommy hug I could and rocked him. I told him that there is room enough to love us both. That sometimes he may not want to love her at all and that's okay. That sometimes he may not want to love me and that's okay too. He just cried harder and said<br />
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"Keep hugging me, Mommy."</blockquote>
I reminded my Zeke that his birth mom could not give him clean water or food or a safe place to live. He asked if she was dead and I was honest. I said I didn't know, that only God really knew. I said that it really stinks that we don't know for sure but that we do know for sure that <b>I am his real, forever mama</b>. That God made us family. Then Molly, whom by this time was rubbing Ezekiel's back, said<br />
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"Zeke, remember how God loves us all so much? Remember how He doesn't love some people more than others? You can have a different kind of love for both your mamas and it doesn't have to be more or less."</blockquote>
She rocks that big sister thing. I realized later that my lame comment about birthing Blake must have stuck in sweet Zeke's head. Ugh. I always knew that this conversation would come up. This is one that I've said over and over to myself, in my head. But saying it aloud to my son as his big body shook with tears wasn't something that I could ever really prepare for. It's the sin of the world that there are orphans. That birth moms can't or won't keep their children. But then there is that thing called grace. Once again, I was reminded how sacred and precious and-holy cow!-huge this life we live is. How blessed I am to be the one to guide their little hearts to Him. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Molly walked Ezekiel to kindergarten but he would <i>not </i>let her hold his hand. Sniffle, sniffle.</td></tr>
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-69373448939577583152013-08-28T22:15:00.003-05:002013-08-28T22:15:37.121-05:00#DreamDay This week commemorates the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr's"I have a dream" speech. I know you all know that. What I also know is that some of you don't have is the perspective that I do; raising black children in the United States. I'm not gonna lie. The footage of Lincoln memorial, the images of Birmingham, Alabama, the words of Dr King's message, they all rock me to my core. This is more than my country's ugly history; it's raw and real to me in ways I didn't previously understand. Let me tell you why.<br />
Earlier this summer, from the back of the mini van, Etienne said "I don't think a lot of vanilla people like brown people." Out of the clear blue sky. We were seriously on the way to my brother's house. Hadn't been in public, Ryan and I hadn't had any lively debates on racism. The television was off. This kind of statement, though we thought that we had prepared ourselves for it, shocked us and saddened us. Our son is around other African Americans but he does not live in a predominately African American part of the country. Our son is routinely around a community of trans racially adopted kids. Yet he feels racism. He doesn't have words for it or even a moment that he can pin point. He just feels it. Doesn't that make your stomach churn? He is first grader in a middle class family surrounded by a lot of hipster educated, typically PC, sometimes pompous but always well meaning people. Unbeknownst to E, his statement happened the same time that the jury reached a verdict on the Trayvon Martin trial. I was already wondering if Etienne and Ezekiel how we would counsel our beautiful brown boys on image and style and racial profiling. My heart hurt to know that someday, when my beautiful boys were young men, there would be people that would be judge them for their skin color. Etienne's comment has haunted me since.<br />
Here's the other thing. I <i>know</i> many white Americans believe that racism is pretty much dead. I think that there are many people, even those that I love, that have cutesy Pinterest "Love is blind" pins and they listen to JayZ and they believe that all Americans have equality. But being "color blind" is only avoiding that although Dr King's dreams are almost realized, we aren't quite there yet. <br />
Last night, as Ryan and I were tucking Etienne into bed, he began to cry. He said "I wish I looked like everyone else, Mom. Some kids don't like my hair. And I don't feel like the blonde kids don't like me."<br />
Tears.<br />
Probably some of the worst words my child could say. There is absolutely nothing that I could do to really fix this or to comfort him. <br />
So I told him that a long time ago, I began to know <b>with all my being</b> that God had extra special plans for Etienne. I said that there was purpose in his struggles. I told my E that right now his heart is a squishy ball of play dough. That God is just squeezing and shaping Etienne's play dough heart so that when the time comes, his heart will have more space to fit in all the other people in the world that have hurt and trials like him. Then I just held him and cried with him.<br />
Blake was on the bunk above us, hearing this conversation. He skittered on down and laid himself flat on Etienne. Then he took E's face in his hands and he said<br />
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"E, don't you know that you are the strongest kid in the school? You can run faster then everyone else. </blockquote>
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"E, you can see your muscles without even trying. And your eyebrows catch sweat so you can see the football."</blockquote>
Thank God for brothers. Thank God that Blake could meet Etienne where he was; speaking on his brother's level. Our tears quickly turned to giggles. Sigh. <br />
It get's messier. This morning, Molly laid her head on my lap and sobbed. She sobbed because her heart broke to know that her brother felt racism, that her "ancestors" persecuted others, that she can not do a whole lot about any of it. The boys, meanwhile, were engrossed in MLK Jr's son on the Today show; whether he was "kind of strong or kind of fat?" All this before 8 AM. <br />
So you could argue that Etienne is just insecure (which he is, duh.). You could say that I am more sensitive (of course I am, you would be too.). But the fact is that my son's perception is that he is disliked because he is African American. And that is the problem, isn't it?<br />
I will continue to acknowledge Etienne's feelings when he believes that he is judged by his skin tone. I won't ever be that mom that gives false assurance on things I don't know full well. But I will tell Etienne that I know kids like him because he is the one to tie their shoes, to sit next to them when they are alone, to be a friend to them when they are lonely. I will tell him that he is wanted, that he is loved and he is his Father's child. And that he has the biggest, squishiest play dough heart ever.<br />
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Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-63871714794203975372013-08-17T22:15:00.000-05:002013-08-17T22:17:37.643-05:00The Other Shoe. We've been waiting for the other shoe to drop since returning from Rwanda. And guess what? It hasn't. That stinkin' shoe hasn't even slipped loose.<br />
For real. Pinch me. There have been <i>countless</i> moments when I have thought to myself "this is the best summer we have had since 2009!" I can't tell you how many times my eyes have welled up with tears as Ryan and I sit on our red bench, watching our kids play baseball or catch fire flies. I have not sat on the steps outside the boys' room, crying, once this summer (since '09, I would almost nightly collapse in tears next to Ryan on those stairs). We are entering our last week of summer here...I think it's safe to say that we stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop.<br />
There is zero logic in our plan. <i>Zero.</i> Who goes to the other side of the world to find healing for their son's hurt heart? We haven't gone to therapy, there aren't any new supplements or theories or attachment techniques. It's just another chapter that God has written in Etienne's life. And I am so, so thankful for this illogical twist.<br />
We still have our wet beds, our crashing into everything, our general random-weird-post institution behavior. But the dark, flat stares, the manipulating lies, the hurtful actions are nothing like what we've survived in the past.<br />
Part of it is that I have embraced that my E will never function like other kids. Don't judge-let me explain. For example, I know Etienne's cues these days and I'm meeting him where he's at. If he's been out of his comfort zone, over stimulated or tired, it doesn't work to try to snuggle him or even to have him nap. Instead, we've taken to running together. The physical exercise helps him regulate himself as well as taking him away from the stimuli (or the grown up that is low on patience). So when he's starting to do flips off the furniture (I'm not kidding) or laughing his high pitched tired scream, I make him run five laps around the perimeter of the house. Corporal punishment? Nope, he likes it and we call it "preseason conditioning."<br />
School starts soon. E says he could "stay in summer forever." I'm not gonna lie; I have my own fears about him returning to sitting in a desk, in a classroom with people that don't know his heart. I get nervous to think that the expectations of the school are going to be really, really challenging for him. But then I go the grocery store and another mother tells me that E was always the boy that tied her son's shoes. Or we work in the school garden and his old teacher shares how he always offered to pray for his classmates. And I know God is using my E in that public school to bring Him glory. <br />
I think back to a few months ago, when we were so afraid of the aftermath of going to Africa. And that aftermath has been the best summer of our lives: a swimming, books, ice cream, tan lines, s'mores, road trips, fire flies, bare feet kinda summer. It was worth it. The last four years of feeling like we were just hanging on. They have been worth every moment we have savored this summer. So bring on first grade! (Gulp.) Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3551815908066977246.post-16291652299013868452013-07-26T09:36:00.003-05:002013-07-26T09:36:58.880-05:00Partnering with Visiting Orphans<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/KSRDtD6DAcY" width="480"></iframe> <br />
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Some of you may know that Ryan and I are team leaders for an organization called Visiting Orphans (VO). This is an amazing group of people that we are proud to be a part of. VO works to send teams into orphanages in all corners of the world with the intent to simply love on children.<br />
This is especially near to our hearts because we have survived 4 years post adoption with two beautiful boys that started their lives not knowing love. Eye contact, touch and even direct conversation with my sons sent them into survival mode. Etienne would snuggle up to any stranger on the street; oblivious to whom it may have been. Zeke sobbed every time I looked into his eyes. That is what a lack of love looked like.<br />
Visiting Orphans does not install wells. They don't build medical clinics. They love the least of these. And that is messy, complicated work. You may read or hear conversations about whether this is harmful or not: to give kids touch and attention and then to leave again. Here's the deal. We are at this point pretty knowledgeable on the subject of vulnerable children. And we ask you this: what is the alternative? To turn away? To do nothing? <br />
Ryan and I will partner with VO for as long as they will take us. We love their hearts, their mission and the direction that they allow God to lead them. Our team from June has launched a foundation, <a href="http://www.imanakids.org/">Imana Kids</a>, as fruit from their trip to Kimisagara. Lives are changed. People are moved. God is at work.<br />
So read the blogs if you want. But please know that VO trips are with leaders that are trained and knowledgeable on vulnerable children, on the culture and the people of the countries they serve and most especially on the children that often have deep wounds and attachment issues. It is not easy work. But it is advancing His kingdom; it's messy and beautiful and meaningful and lasting.<br />
Our goal for Imana Kids is that as families and individuals sponsor children, they may partner with VO to visit their sponsored child; investing long term in the life of a child. We are open to questions, to information and even to skeptics. In the meantime, check out this video.Room4Morehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606446025354139664noreply@blogger.com0