Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Something so utterly amazing has been happening with Etienne. Initially, I hesitated to post this because I thought of the sceptics/agnostics/doubters that I know read my blog...then I remembered I didn't care! Over the summer, one of my beloved Rwanda sisters shared with me that she had experienced some overwhelming thoughts of E,as an adult, singing and happy. She had this occur during church, while singing "Mighty to Save." This song is especially significant to us because we sang this in during our darkest moments in Africa. "Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing Let mercy fall on me Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a savior, the hope of nations Savior, He can move a mountain, our God is Mighty to save..." Yesterday I arrived at work and a coworker pulled me aside. Mind you, this woman is a coworker. Although I know I am transparent on my blog, I have become very guarded as to how much I share with very many people regarding our struggles with bonding/attachment. She said, "Did anything happen with E on Sunday?" I shook my head no, nothing out of the ordinary. She said, "In church, we were singing this "Savior, He can move a mountain" song and I couldn't stop praying for Etienne." WHAT?!?!!?!??! I told her about our other dear friend's same experience in July and she just lost it (something we'd never shared with anyone). There we were, crying together at how cool God is. This is why no matter how long I need to hold E at night, how many diapers he goes through, lies he tells, it doesn't matter. Bring it. God always wins.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

"I'm Different"

Molly, Etienne, Zeke and Blake sharing the breakfast table: Etienne: "Mama, I think I'm different" Me: (gulp, I know I'm ready, right!?!?) "You're right, buddy, you are, but God wanted you that way and so did we." Blake: "Eeettttiiiiieeennnneeee!!!! Just because you are chocolate and I am vanilla, we still have 2 elbows!" Molly: "And the same Mama and Daddy." Zeke: "I'm batman." Etienne: "Ok. Can I have a bananna?" I love my life. Its messy and crazy and awesome.

Friday, October 8, 2010

a deeper hurt...

These past few weeks we've really felt like we are uncovering a deeper hurt in Etienne. The sobbing,lying, the apologizing, lack of sleep, all the RAD behaviors have just increased and multiplied. As a believer, I have been to new depths of prayer and diving into my bible more than ever. This is good, right?! Emotionally, I am as drained as I was a year ago but I feel stronger spiritually than I ever have. If I need to fight for Etienne's heart, than bring it on. I could not imagine surviving without my fellow Rwanda Mamas. There is a bond between us that is lifelong and their encouragement and prayer these past few weeks, more than ever, has sustained me. My father-in-law reminded me of how funny our daily life is and I need to share the comedy. There really is never a dull moment.. -So Zeke knows I am a "baby catcher" and its the norm to talk about pregnancy, birth, etc. Last night he was snuggling me and said something about "Zekee in mama's tummy." When I told him that he came didn't come out of my tummy, he opened his eyes really wide, rolled them and fell straight back in shock. It was actually hysterical. A funny birth mom/adoptive mama talk. -Items (to date) used to slide down the stairs: a mini couch, a serving platter, sleeping bags, the dog (totally didn't work), cardboard, a sled. -The boys were in a wedding last weekend and Etienne ROCKED the Calvin Klein tux. He literally did not want to remove even the coat no matter how hot he was. While he sweat in all the layers, Blake wooed some college coeds and Zeke ran circles on the dance floor. -During discipline/time-outs, Zeke now cries "Molly, Molly." Today I told him that Molly would put him in time out too for being naughty and she replied, "Actually, Mom, I totally wouldn't because he's a sparkly-eyed smiley face." - Out closet is now occasionally used for the boys to sleep in (don't tell our social worker) -it is entirely possible for 3 little boys to share a toilet at the same time. When this occurs, all participating parties are required to then join in clean up efforts. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for encouraging me to share our pain and our milestones. Etienne is now consistantly asking to be on my back when he is unable to calm down. He also went to football with grandpa and DID NOT hug anyone he didn't know. These are big steps that we rejoice over. To be continued...