Thursday, February 2, 2012

I did not see this one coming.

Fear.  This is a new emotion for me to experience in the last 14 hours.  I've had doubt, frustration, sadness, uncertainty, but not fear.  Yuck.  The kind of fear that I have heard about; making your head spin with stories of snowballing effect in the middle of the night.
     "I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" -Isaiah 41:13
This verse was posted all over our house a couple of years ago following a TAG report Molly did on tornadoes.  This verse flashed in my brain this morning and I am grasping to it now, hoping in this truth.
About a week or so (maybe longer) Etienne started mentioning that I am mean.  Okay, no biggie to tell my mom or the staff at the Y.  I don't care if anyone thinks I am mean; Ryan was following it up with things like "Peeing on mommy's floor is mean.  Teasing your little brother is mean."  Yesterday he told Ryan that I was pulling and grabbing him.  I haven't touched that child with anything but gentle, nurturing contact in months!  No big deal, that's what you're thinking.  Here's my fear: to people who don't know Etienne well, he is charming, sweet, and generally well behaved.  My fear is that he is telling a well intended, mandated reporter that I am pulling and grabbing him.  After he has been telling them I am mean. After he is moaning and groaning about his aches and pains (usually as a result of an attempted Puss in Boots move off the railing or bunk bed).  You see my fear?  To the average reader, my fear is exaggerated and I am "making a mountain out of a mole hill."  We moms tend to do that.  So I sat in tears in the front of the car with this new gross emotion overwhelming me as Ryan dealt with our boy for the remainder of the evening.
Somewhere around 3:30am last night, I played out my worst case scenario.  E tells the para at school that I am pushing and grabbing him; she has to report this per state law.  CPS shows up.  God shows up too.  I have Molly's articulate words and a household of beauty out of ashes.  And probably a decent blog post.  I can handle that.  Laughing at the thought of Molly and Blake defending me to anyone was the moment I realized my prayer allowed God's words to overcome this fear.  He will win this battle too.

1 comment:

  1. The very nature of fear is that it is unpredictable and instant. It can either prepare us for battle, or paralyze us. You are prepared for battle with the Lord on your side. (as well as lots of prayer warriers!) ((((hugs))))