Tuesday, June 19, 2012

If he really knew

     Remember when your toddler was exploring independence and by the end of the day, you were just exhausted from running after him?  Remember those days when it felt like all you did was say "No!" and "Stop!"; when parenting just felt like being bad guy?
     That is how it feels when Etienne is spiraling.  I really need to be within a couple feet of him because being even being in my presence is often not enough to keep him out of trouble.  This is just reality.  It's things like walking crossing the room and having him pop out the door and light up the grill.  It's crazy how quick he is (not to mention his skill and memory!) and how slow I seem to have become.
     This morning we started off the day with about 20 minutes of The Crocodile Hunter (now have requests to be Steve Irwin for Halloween) followed by two rounds of some board games, than working in the garden together.  I made the mistake of then starting up the treadmill during a ruckus game of "Scene It".  My focus on running, I missed E grabbing the game box over his head and shredding it to pieces.  After I stopped this Hulk move too late, I asked him to go get some books to read while he sat alone next to me.  I followed him to the bookshelves and overheard him mumbling to himself "Mommy only likes the good kids."  Sigh.  Ugh.  He didn't know I was there to hear him so he wasn't saying it to get a reaction out of me.  He probably meant it.
     A couple weeks ago I was trying to explain to a newer friend of mine that Etienne still doesn't believe that I love him.  That discipline  is difficult because I often fear that he doesn't know that I discipline because I love him so much.  She argued that he was just "trying to press your buttons."  I gave up trying to explain to her because she couldn't hear or understand.  Maybe that is true sometimes that he wants to upset me, but not today.  Not in this moment.  My fear was realized again.
    Please, if you want to be my friend or the friend of a parent with a child like Etienne, don't try to convince them that their child knows they are loved, that their child is like every other child at that age or that what's going on is normal.  It's not okay to accept that a child doesn't believe they are loved, valued or wanted.  Its not okay to settle for mediocre.
     I am again humbled by this reality.  The reality of abandonment, loneliness and doubt.  That my work is not yet finished in proving  that I am his mother; that my love for him is unconditional and without pause.  So I'm pulling up my boot straps and we are headed to the pool for the afternoon.  Believe it or not, its actually easier to contain him and keep him out of trouble in a large body of water than it is in my home.  Go ahead, process that one.

They love that Blake, at 42lbs, can hold Etienne, at 65lbs.  


  1. ...just like each of us who have been hurt and are struggling to believe that God really loves us...just like we are.

  2. And you wonder why you have very few friends. You insist yiur lil trauma boy is special, cannot be treated like a normal kid.

    Etienne is trying to press your buttons and succeeding because you let him! Maybe all your attachment parenting books are right - but have you considered that the medical professionals you claim know nada about trauma/attachment are right? That you're the looney tunes one with your devotion to Karen Purvis and other unproven but trauma mama approved "theraputic parenting" ideas? That you're doing Etiwnne a huge disservice by treating him like a precious lil flower unable to take correction?

    That hoarded of licensed medical professionals are, in fact, correct?

    Me I'm thinking it's divine retribution -- you decided to purchase humans from a place with well known and well established corruption problem (Ethiopia) and you get what you deserve. You bought kids!!! You deserve the allegedly RAD kiddo that's ruining your life.