Heartbroken: overcome by sorrow.
I have been asked, by someone(s) that love me, if I think I am depressed. I pondered this thought, I didn't take offense or jump to conclusions. I slept on it. I prayed on it. I know what depression is; I talk with women and I screen and I advocate for mental health for my mamas all the time. I am not against this idea. I just don't take it lightly.
I sleep great (when babies aren't born or my kids aren't singing Christmas carols). My weight hasn't fluctuated and I am maintaining my same diet and exercise. I did have a stretch where I was easily distracted at work; but that could be because I was getting phone calls from the Principal...maybe. I think a lot. I pray more. A friend said to me last week, "Why wouldn't you be depressed?"
I love that she asked me this. Truthfully, I have been low on hope lately. I realized this as I was waiting in the carpool lane outside the kid's school last week. Etienne walked past our car and he blew me a kiss. My heart leapt; he blew me, his mama, a kiss! As I smiled, I watched him continue to walk along the sidewalk. Blowing kisses to every car. That was a kick in the stomach. I do feel like yelling "ITS BEEN 3 FREAKING YEARS!!!!" How long won't he love me? How long before he won't push my hand away when I try to hold it or stop lying to me about the littlest and biggest things? How long before it stops hurting? When will he say "I love you too, Mama"?
I decided in the car pool lane that I am heartbroken. I feel like loving this boy carries the weight of all the orphans in the world. I'm not a saint. I cry 6 nights out of 7 (and I am married to this saint that keeps telling me "he doesn"t know what love is"). I'm so, so over the attached parenting model. My feelings are hurt over and over at this little boy that still doesn't really buy this family thing. I am heartbroken, but I am not depressed and I am not out of hope. Paul wrote in Ephesians 1: 11-12
"In Him we were also chosen; having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity to the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory."This verse was part of the sermon on Sunday. I listened as we prepared our hearts in Advent. I walked out of worship a little less worn down. As we went to pick E up from Sunday school, the teacher said the dreaded "Can I talk to you in private?" The six year old used the word sexy and wanted help writing it. Vomit in my mouth. We listen to KLOVE for heaven's sake. Gross, gross, gross. I felt anger but I as we drove (Ryan making a list of consequences, me stewing), I realized I didn't care what the teacher thought about what kind of family we must be. A little tiny piece of my brain was recognizing that he wanted to write something down (don't judge, I know its a disgusting, ugly word). Words and letters! This is called hope.
My hope isn't in attachment parenting. It isn't in time (3 YEARS, PEOPLE, 3 YEARS!!!). I don't have hope in bonding. My hope isn't even in how patient I am or if he ever gets to the point where he loves me. My hope is in that promise that began with the Israelites, the same hope that guided the shepherds and comforted Mary. It absolutely stinks right now. I am frustrated, tired and discouraged but my God's got this. And this is why I "wouldn't" be depressed.
Maybe you simply got what you deserved? You decided that purchasing two little boys from a place with a massive corruption was a good idea (because a supernatural being conveyed to you that it was a good idea). You are a smart lady that understood buying a kid from such a place would likely mean said kid had experienced deprivation and neglect and trauma and the scars it can leave can be lifelong.
ReplyDeleteYou still bought the kid. You deserve the hell you're in, perhaps? There's a Swedish aphorism that says "you take what you want, and then pay for it, sez God". A neat way of saying actions have consequences. You bought kids, thus inviting trauma into your home. The "price" - perhaps it's divine retribution? The price is being stuck with lil kiddos who have every reason on earth to not trust you.
You deserve the rad kid!
Kyle, clearly, doesn't have birth or adopted children. :)
ReplyDeleteWhy the anger? Why attack a person you have never met? Why are you so anti? I'd really like to know.
ReplyDeleteWho is this person?? Kyle, you are vile and have absolutely no understanding of what leads a family toward adoption. I feel for you and pray God heals your heart
ReplyDeleteKylie, Jesus said my yolk is easy and my burden is light- why would he say this? Many of his early followers were brutally killed- doesn't sound light or easy! But the everlasting peace in the heart of a Follower of Christ gives you the ability to weather storms, survive against all odds, and give thanks for the good things in life. Kara's blog was saying just that- she's struggling with her son, but still has peace in her heart. Jesus loves you too, and the peace he brings to a heavy heart is worth all these struggles 1000 times over! I hope If you are having a hard time with something in your life, you will read about the life of Christ and how He wants to help you through your crappy times too. Also, the children from Rwanda were in no way bought. While corruption does sadly exist in some adoption cases, Rwanda only adopted less than 100 kids out to Americans in the last decade. The process went directly through the Government - they took absolutely no money from us for the adoption.it was totally free. We adopted our son from mother Theresa's orphanage There in 2009. There was not a single suspicion of baby buying - since no money changed hands in our independent adoption. The government and catholic sisters truly wanted to see their vuneeable children placed in families in a country with almost no social safety net. Please, if something truly burdens your heart about Kara's struggles let someone pray with you, that you can weather the next storm in your life with peace, purpose, love and forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteKara, You are such an inspiring woman. You truly embody the Christian spirit in words AND actions (Kylie, take note). I would not classify myself as Christian but totally dig your devotion to your faith and your family. If more people (of any/no faith) lived by your example (Kylie, take note) the world would undoubtedly be a better place. Perhaps there are people who do not understand the lifelong gift that you gave these children (all four of them) but please don't be discouraged by ignorance and malice.
ReplyDeleteI started reading your blog in the spring; I laughed and cried at your stories and find myself rereading some of them. Your patience and devotion are incredible. I am not a mother, nor do I know anything about the obstacles and challenges of adoption, but I just know that it will get better for you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but at some point E will know how much he means to you and will no longer question your love. You are doing an amazing job, even on the days that you don't feel like you are.
I hope that you will continue to blog, through the good times and the bad, and know that you are inspiring people across the globe.
Much love,
Lesley
Thank you, Lesley. And thanks to all my other defenders! I am not taking Kylie's words to heart because I don't write for her and I geniunely feel sad that she has such a chip on her shoulder.
ReplyDeleteI know her comment hurts other adoptive families but I have decided not to remove it for now. I believe in freedom of expression AND I believe that many of my readers will pray for her when they see those ugly words. And that, my friends, is what she needs.
Just now seeing this, so forgive my late response. But I'm in utter shock. I cannot fathom for a moment how someone could construe adopting two boys from the other side of the world into your family and giving them all the love you have to give as something bad. How someone could see rescuing these children from a place that gave them no love, no affection, barely enough provisions for survival and giving them a warm home with all of those things and so much more as something wrong. How someone could see your heart breaking because all you want is for *your son* to know that he is loved, and feel that's something you deserve?? Unbelievable. Kara, I know you & Ryan never went into this decision wanting any kind of pat on the back for your choices, but I am completely in awe of you. YOU are a true example of God's work, whether you believe that or not, and I am so proud to call you my friend. And your response to Kylie makes that all the more clear. I'm glad you're not letting her words hurt you. I do hope that some way Kylie will be able to see the wonderful person you are... Clearly she doesn't know you in real life! :). Hugs Kara!
ReplyDeleteI was telling my husband about the ugly response you received to your post and he made a good point. Kylie mentioned over and over again about ‘buying the children’—which obviously strikes a nerve for her. Like your experience, our adoption in no way was buying the child—we’re so glad that the Rwandan government did not require ‘donations’. However, and bear with me while I say something apparently controversial, why would it be so horrible if the children were ‘purchased’ *gasp*. We look at what Oskar Schindler did for so many Jews when he used every means possible to rescue them. We look at slavery and how humane it would be to be able to buy a slave only to set him free. We look at the price our Saviour paid to free us from hell. If I didn’t have the food I needed to be healthy, the love I needed to thrive, the touch to remind me I’m alive, a family to belong to, or the option of learning so that I could one day thrive in ‘the real world’, I wouldn’t care if someone used money give me a better life—the life my Saviour would want for one of His precious children.
ReplyDeleteWhen we take the time to see what these children have to endure and what they need, why is it so wrong to think of giving up a new car, bigger house, or electronic toys in order to use those funds to bring a child into a family who can love him and provide for him. I want to spend my life showing my son that he is worth the years of waiting, worth far more than money or any other material thing, and worth traveling around the world to gather him up in my arms, hold him tight and assure him that he is my son. I would do the same thing if somehow my biological son ended up halfway around the world in a third world country, and I would do it all again for my adopted son.
*I hope that I in no way hurt of offended anybody with my words… that is not at all my intention.*
Juanita, Holy Awesome! This perspective is right on. Christ paid our debts so we wouldn't we give all we had (which we do, even if it isn't monetary) for another life to live.
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