In My Heart

 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." -Luke 2:19

  Please.  I do not in any way, shape or form compare myself to Mary or my son to Jesus.  I share that because there are a lot of moments, words, looks, touches, that I don't share.  I keep them in my heart.  They are sometimes too personal, to painful or too beautiful to share with anyone.  This verse always pops into my head when we are in one of those moments.  Truthfully, a lot of them are not worthy of sharing because they hurt or because I want to guard E's heart and mine.  But they are moments that are shaping this boy's story; I know with absolute certainty that this story is big.  It's what keeps me going, having this faith that God is using E to bring Him glory.
  On Etienne's birthday we kept it low key.  Uneventful on purpose.  He had a special "mommy and daddy date," and time with close family.  Other than that, we've been trying really hard to keep a strict schedule with a lot of intentional time for him alone with low stimuli.  It is helping everyone.  On his birthday, when I started seeing him spiral, I took him out of the playing, the cake and the festivities.  We headed to the tub and I could visibly see him just exhale.  Like his whole body let go of tension (which to him looks like yelling, crashing, bullying and obnoxiousness).  He stayed in the water until it got cold, humming and chatting.  As I wrapped him up in a towel, he asked for one more picture on his birthday.  This is the gift we got.  I will treasure this in my heart and ponder it on days that I can't get off the pantry floor.