Monday, April 9, 2012

Where's Your Heart?

"For where your treasure is, there will be your heart also."

    -Matthew 6:21

     A couple of  years ago, during the Easter worship service, I watched all the children singing and praising God and it was the first time that the emotions of adoption really hit me.  I was floored with tears that my children weren't all in my arms.  My heart broke and my arms ached that our whole family was not yet united.  That Easter was the first Easter that I began to feel like the mother of four.
    The boys first Easter home, I was overwhelmed with giardia and the logistics of doubling our kid numbers.  It was all about survival and attempting to make meaning in the day at least for Molly and Blake.  Last year, worship was meaningful and reflective; I had really begun to feel the depths of my Father's love for me.  We were getting a rhythm to our life. 
   This year, by the end of the day, I felt defeated and  let down.  Truthfully, I had a selfish attitude.  I wanted my Easter Sunday to be filled with hallelujahs and grateful hearts.  Instead, I had spent much of the day corralling  my children and keeping E from breaking/hurting/annoying anything or anyone.  Midway through our Easter Sunday, I had stumbled upon some very deliberate behavior that Etienne had done the night before, while Ryan and I were on a date, when Nana and Pops had so graciously been in  charge.  Because of his actions, there was a lot of clean up involved and I spent a chunk of my afternoon and evening fixing his messes.  I kept thinking about how he could still be pulling this crap (sorry, I wanted to say worse), when our weekend had been family filled and fun.  I would say aloud "Why would he do this? Date night was really the trigger of insecurity? Really? Really?!"  The dog listened politely but as soon as the statement would exit my lips, I would think myself a fool to even try to ponder the why of his actions.   I went on a walk, praying and listening to worship music and pondering the fact that date night had led to manipulative, hurtful actions which had led to my grumpy attitude.  What did any of this have to do with the resurrection?  How did I twist Christ's power over death (and my sin) into this bad attitude because I didn't get Easter my way?  I was preaching to me kids that it wasn't about the Bunny (funny side note, there were dead baby bunnies on Easter morn in Pops yard, see the irony?!).  I was asking my entourage to be excited about what God did for them; yet all the while I was letting Etienne's actions  lesson my own gratitude and praise for that empty tomb.  Geez. 
     Then the  verse from Matthew, above, popped into my brain.  What is my treasure?  I say, I strive, I long for it to be God.  But sometimes I think it is my kids.  Or maybe adoption and its messiness?  It certainly is not my Savior every moment of every day.  At least this Easter, I confess that the middle part of my Sunday I somehow got lost along the way to the cross.  This is how it goes, isn't it?  Whether your struggle is making it through another day as a stay-at-home mom, or attempting to connect with the coworker in the next cubicle, we all have our highs and lows.  For me, the Enemy loves to use RAD behaviors to separate the six of us from God's truth.  It is my inequities that let me believe that Etienne will always ruin date night.  God is so much bigger than RAD.  Reality now is sometimes still lousy but my reality is temporary, His glory is eternal.   It totally stinks that our attempt for grown up alone time led to grossness in the spare room but Jesus overcame death!  Holy hallelujah!  In the big picture of life, this RAD stuff is just a little detail.  
     At bedtime, two out of three of the boys prayed that they were thankful for "Jesus dying on the cross," and "God saving me from sin and death."  Only God knows if they honestly feel that in their little hearts.  But I know that  those are the sweetest words I could hear from my babies lips.  There our heart is.
Molly's argument for dressing  her own boho way is "it  doesn't matter what's on the outside?" What can I say to that?

I was NOT for the triplet look but they love it.


1 comment:

  1. I've been reading your blog for a while hubby and I were hoping to adopt from Rwanda before it closed. Now we're on the domestic adoption path. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your honesty. The beauty of God's unrelenting love for us shines through you as you seek to love even when it's hard. From an outsider's perspective, His grace is so clearly covering your lives, sustaining and upholding you all. Thank you for sharing His work through your blog!