Touch

     Etienne had another first.  He came sleep walking into our bedroom, wrapped his arms around Ryan's neck and climbed into his lap.  Ryan shifted him so that he was lying in the middle of us.  I wrapped my whole body around him and he just  sucked his thumb.  After a few minutes, he began whimpering and tightening all his muscles.  His big hands clenched into fists, but he didn't push away from me.  He stayed in my embrace.
     If you aren't an "attachment" parent, no worries, no guilt.  I wasn't for Molly or Blake.  But my bio kids were held, fed, touched, rocked, snuggled from their first moments of life.  With Ezekiel and Etienne, I had flashbacks to Child Psych in college, seeing first hand the results of an institution on a child's development.
     BA (before adoption) I totally took for granted my children's touch.  I know that I complained about personal space.  I sent my kids to their own beds asap.  Then I met my Rwandan babies.  It took literally wearing Zeke for him to not fear touch.  Now, that boy craves it and I really try to oblige no matter how much I feel invaded.
     Etienne will seek a hug for a pinched finger whereas before, he didn't even shed a tear.  But the moment the pain subsides, he pushes me away.  Holding hands is really difficult for him.  We have this cheesy thing where we say "we hold hands in our family because we love each other" but all you parents know its a safety/don't-want-to- lose-my-black-kid -that-won't-identify-me-as-mom-in-public-thing.  So you can imagine my reaction to snuggling in the middle of the night.  Priceless.  One of those moments I will remember in my heart forever.