Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The NEED to talk

This has  been a  season of so much redemption  in our home.  In our Etienne.  In my heart. Letting  go  of all our ideas  of  what "normal"  really  looks  like. Embracing dysfunction. Living  with  two  little boys  that  started  their  lives  in an overcrowded  orphanage  is never  going  to  look  like a Disney movie.  Remember  those  after  school  specials  in  the 80s?  Like  that.  Only maybe  without  a quick resolution followed and a PSA.
So I  thought I had  truly  let  go  off  all  my grief  and ugliness. I  said I  didn't  care  that my house  is a bit damaged,  that  we  don't  all  sleep well,  that  it's  hard  to  find a  sitter  on Saturday  night.  And  most  of  the  time,  this  is  totally true.  Totally.
Except  there's  this  thing about behaving  at  school.  We've  been  saying  that  we  don't  care  if our kids  aren't  the  best readers  or mathematicians  but  we  do  care  that  they  are  all respectful  to  everyone;  that  they  are showing God's  love  in  their  actions.  To  me,  it  seems fairly straightforward  that  if a  grown  up  says "be  quiet!"  you  do  it. And  when  you obey,  you  show God’s  love  to  your  teacher.
E's  poor  teacher  has  begun  using  this  website  called "dojo"  to mark  his  daily behavior.   We  just  log  in  every  night  and -voila!-  there  is a  cute monster  with a behavior pie  chart  thingy. My kid can not, CAN NOT, not  talk. Don't  get  me  wrong,  it's  light  years better  than the regular  visits  to  the principal.  But  he's  still failing miserably  at getting  through  the  day  in the  classroom.
Today's talking  was  off the  chart lousy.   I'm  trying  to  rationalize   with  him as  we  do our strict  after  school routine (high protein snack,  laps around  the house, help mommy in the kitchen).  Even  as I  talk, I  know  it's pointless.  Finally, I sighed  and  asked  him why  it was  so  hard  not  to  talk.  I  swear  this  is  what  he said:
"I need  to  tell my  table  that Jesus suffered because He  loves  them  so  much.  I need to  tell  them  that."
Oh. I  feel  like God  just  took  me  and  shook  me  upside  down.  Like He is shouting "Hello, Kara,  this  life  is  so  much  bigger  than talking  in  class.  This  boy's  worth  is  why I died."
Holy  awesome.  How  do  we discipline a  child  who  is desperate  to  share  the gospel?  So desperate,  in  fact,  that  he's choosing  to sacrifice a  trip  to Pizza Machine ( we  are not above bribes)  because he NEEDS  to  tell others  the Good News.
I am  not  sure  how  to navigate  this  one.  But I  am beyond humbled to be trying  to figure it out.

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