Monday, November 8, 2010

Seeking experienced mama advice....

So here's the scenerio: Your adopted 3/4 year old-ish son (home 10 months when this starts) is potty trained. Has been since being adopted. Then you go out of town for your anniversary and he decides the honeymoon phase of being adopted int his family is over. You work hard on the bonding, resorting to silliness, babying, allowing diapers, feedings, etc. Then, 3 months into the madness, you learn that he is 100% using the potty for everyone else in his life. Goodbye, diapers! No more "big boy" privledges. So on a usual day, you are playing all morning at the park, come home for lunch and remind him to use the potty. He flat out refuses. You remind him that there are consequences to pottying his pants.....10 minutes later, he has peed himself. Do you: 1. make him clean himself and laundry up. Then resume day. 2. spank him, then carry him around the rest of the day 3. put him back in diapers I honestly want feedback on this. I am tired of the people in our lives that "don't get it." I really do want our amazing family, both biological and through adoption, to help me on this...

6 comments:

  1. you are brave, friend, for putting this out there for comments. and I love you for it. I don't know the ins and outs for you...but what I've read and the reason I'm not touching potty training with a 10 foot pole for a long, long time is...tend towards sticking with option 3. seems like he's testing you in the good, this eventually leads to attachment, ways. he's asking "will you really stick with me?" he's not on his best behavior only for YOU...which seems like a positive thing. he's not comfortable enough to mess up with others. but testing the conditions of your love. I'd also check in with an attachment specialist or your social worker. love you and support you no matter what!!!

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  2. I totally agree with the above comment. He is just testing your love. We haven't yet adopted but run a camp for "underprivilged kids" many of whom are foster children. We see lots of behavior that is rooted in distrust or testing love. We are also seeking to adopt, probably from Uganda or Congo... Honestly, I think #1 is the most productive and loving. I'm a pretty practical mom and also feel like it is my job to help my children grow and mature. I think with #1 you are first communicating that his potty is his responsibility. I wouldn't shame him, I'd just say, "Oh dear, you had an accident, since your mommy's big boy you need to clean up your clothes and dry up the mess." Give direction and say, "Oh good! You took care of your business... remember, next time to put it in the potty, so that you don't have to clean up a mess." Second I think just going on with the day your not making it a control issue. Perhaps you could even praise him and hug and kiss him for being your "big boy." That just my 2 cents... take it or leave it. :-) Praying for you. The little things can be the most difficult. Nurture him with the attitude of serving God, not "men" or boys. Hugs!
    What does your gut tell you is the right thing to do?

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  3. Wanted to add... I think it isn't always about "what" you do, but more importantly "how" you do it (or the attitude you do it with). If you are doing it in love and a nurturing way and also with consistency he'll see what he is craving... your love and the stability he needs.

    Note... sermon to myself right now... this is the hard part of mothering isn't it!

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  4. Hey! We have 2 bio and 2 adopted....I would choose option 3 (for my bio kids I would absolutely choose #1...but you just CANNOT parent an adopted child the same...you just can't). He will eventually choose to go potty for you (he might be 5/6, but a very attached, bonded 5 year old), but I totally agree with the first comment...he is trying to test you....thinking, "surely if i do this..they will leave me...'cause I 'know' they will...nobody has ever stuck around...." I have 5 adopted siblings, and they still try certain things...and it is so clear they are still unsure of my parents unconditional love, that my parents will NEVER leave them...it is almost like, "I will do whatever I need to do to prove you will leave me"...so we as parents need to prove them wrong, prove we will never leave them....no matter how awful they are:) Praying for wisdome for you!!

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  5. I agree with Ms. Adrianne about you being a brave one to ask for input via such a potentially large audience. Also, I agree with her observation that E. targeting you this way should be seen as a plus because he isn't choosing anyone else to test. However,I will offer a slight alternative opinion how to deal with his wet/poop pants. It appears that E. is trying to gain/regain control of you (&/or himself) through pottying in his pants and it is important that he know that it is MAMA who is in control-not E. He needs to witness and believe that Mama is in charge of him and how much you want and love him...learn to trust that you want and love him and attach to you through your love. I am thinking that when you (and you alone) need the convenience of the diapers/pull ups, you make the choice to allow them. Otherwise, since Mama is the main clean up crew when he chooses to potty in his pants, Mama will have E.join in the clean up. Communicate how you love and adore him while commenting on the stinky job that you must now do to get clean pants, clean hands and clean bottoms.Talk about the fact that this is a hard job that we really don't need - there are many other fun things to do together (be honest, be kind, loving and firm about your stance on poopy pants and on E.). Clean is nice because it is healthy and pleasant for us to smell and be near, however,a squeaky clean E. is just as loved as a messy E. - it is not E. who is stinky/dirty/unwanted it is the poop pants (his identity is not equal to the mess he made). After the clean up is all finished, E. should be kept real close to Mama until she decides when, where and how he can go play, go to bed or whatever Mama decides is good for E. Thoughts? I pray for you and the Higgins bunch, Kara. Humbly yours, Cindy

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  6. I don't have any advice (sorry!), but I wanted to tell you how you bless so many people. As an adoptive mama-in-waiting, these are issues I may deal with one day, and through your honesty and openness I'm learning how to be a better, more effective parent to our kids through adoption. Thank you for sharing your life, your struggle and your joy.

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