Susie Update

It isn't good news but God still wins. 
http://www.benandsusiethomas.com/

This thing called LOVE.

     Historically, Valentine's goes something like this in our house:

Ryan: "Its unspoken that we aren't doing gifts,right?"

Me: "Yup. Gifts! I gotta go to CVS at bedtime or I may be the worst mom in the world if they don't have a gift"

     The gifts are usually something like a new toothbrush or hair clips.  This year, I went all out with sun glasses and nail polish.  Nothing says I love you like a fresh mani/pedi.

Getting a bit too grown up. Check out the friend-do in her hair.

Seriously. How can I not laugh?

Again.  He signed the girl cards in his class, "Love, Justin Bieber."( It was Molly's idea, I'm supposed to say.)

     I woke them up with Prince and they got cantaloupe for breakfast. Sorry, no heart shaped food here.  I did ask them, "What do we know about love anyway?"  Molly rolled her eyes, Etienne said "I get candy," Zeke was yelling and Blake-man said "It's from God." Score!

Honestly (guest blog post)

     Post adoption is like post partum depression.  A lot of families deal with it, but not a lot talk about it.  Personally, I think part of this shame is because we wanted this.  A family adopting doesn't have an "oops" baby or much a a twinkle in the eye kinda beginning.  It's long, it's a lot of paperwork, planning, saving, scheming (it's true, if you've had more than 1 home study, you know what I am talking about), tears, prayers, fundraisers, etc.  I really feel like I have had friends that don't have sympathy because they saw me searching in the 11th hour for a notary or working extra shifts to pay for surprise fees.  I still want this.   I want to love all 4 of my babies unconditionally and without regards, excuses or justification but I am not there yet.
     For me, I believe that my boy's struggle is because in his core, he thinks he has to earn love.  Our job as his parents is to fight that lie every day until God wins.  There are other families like ours, and thankfully, God has used social networking to  connect us.  Kim Van Brunt is a writer and adoptive mom who talks about real life adoption.  She's asked me to blog for her (hoping it's not a one time deal!)  Here's the rest of my version of reactive attachment disorder (RAD). http://www.kimvanbrunt.com/2012/02/honestly-guest-post-reactive-attachment-disorder/

Glance at Crazyville

Whish, whish, swish.  The sound of Etienne and his layers sneaking around at night.  Our night time insomnia has returned and the constant, really bad behaviors have decreased during the day.  I have no explanation of why.  I can't really say that my "babying" him or doing my midwife tricks helped.  I tried.   And I would prefer the uneasiness of our nighttime prowler and the lack of sleep any day.  I do less sleep on a regular basis; you know babies prefer the nighttime.  

Reality is that we will eb and flow without any rhyme or reason for our attachment behaviors.  Reality is funny.  I am so grateful that finding underwear in my entry light cracks me up; 2 years ago, I would have been grumpy that my child was throwing underwear.  Sure, we may need to replace some dry wall and clear the ducts from army men and play dough, but it's keeping me out of the loony bin.


     Molly and I have fun with the random findings in our house.  Here is a glimpse of the week.  This is totally normal.  I love this.

A pair of Batman jammies found  on my dresser mirror

Our new eraser light switch. You can find one in  all the bedrooms.

"What's the problem?" Utility broom in the bathroom, check.

Stop whining already.

   I have a difficult child.  I do not have a brain tumor.   Our friends and fellow Rwanda family,Ben & Susie Thomas are fighting a much bigger battle than RAD.  Susie has a large brain tumor AND she is pregnant.  She loves God, is a bit cynical (probably why I am her fan) and her grace under pressure is inspiring.  Tomorrow is remove the tumor day.  I love to remember that God already wrote Susie's story; and she knows that He is at the beginning ,the middle and the end.

Patchouli & Whale Sounds

     One of my docs always teases me, "Gonna get the baby out with some ocean music and patchouli?"  All my staff knows I love using aromatherapy, pressure points, music & good ol' fashioned touch to chill out my freaking labor moms.  Yesterday, a day I had myself surrounded my desk with essential oils, Beatles and soft lighting when I got the phone call I had been fearing.  Etienne and Zeke's principal had left me a voice mail while I was seeing a patient.  I called back and listened as Etienne's teacher, in tears, told me that the staff feels that E needs to move out of his present class room.  She also said, yes, he had been saying inappropriate things about his mom (but they sided with me).

     I arrived home and E wouldn't acknowledge me and I couldn't talk to him either.  I was sad and fearful.  Ryan and I mumbled through a conversation about school (it's hard to tell a kid anything when you know they aren't hearing you anyway).Then my other half announced he was taking the other kids to get ingredients for sundaes, looked at me and said, "You can do it. Fake it."  Then they left us.  

     So we forced ourselves to bake brownies and I let him lick the spoon.  We filled the sink with big, calming lavender bubbles and played as we washed dishes.  I decided to use calming & soothing scents like lavender (sorry, Wob, no patchouli) and filled the kid bathroom with everything midwife.  Etienne soaked in the tub and I gave him a foot massage.  We listened to Exodus and rocked.  Hummed music and prayed.  He appeared to despise it but I found myself calmer and my heart softened to this boy again.  It took him 3 hours to fall asleep and he wasn't having labor pains.  

     It was worth a try.  Trial and error.  The tools of my trade served me well and now I know that Etienne could care less, but I do think he liked the foot massage.

Historically, the scent of lavender has been considered valuable for it's calming effects.  Modern studies support this herb too.  Etienne does not.

I did not see this one coming.

Fear.  This is a new emotion for me to experience in the last 14 hours.  I've had doubt, frustration, sadness, uncertainty, but not fear.  Yuck.  The kind of fear that I have heard about; making your head spin with stories of snowballing effect in the middle of the night.

     "I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" -Isaiah 41:13

This verse was posted all over our house a couple of years ago following a TAG report Molly did on tornadoes.  This verse flashed in my brain this morning and I am grasping to it now, hoping in this truth.

About a week or so (maybe longer) Etienne started mentioning that I am mean.  Okay, no biggie to tell my mom or the staff at the Y.  I don't care if anyone thinks I am mean; Ryan was following it up with things like "Peeing on mommy's floor is mean.  Teasing your little brother is mean."  Yesterday he told Ryan that I was pulling and grabbing him.  I haven't touched that child with anything but gentle, nurturing contact in months!  No big deal, that's what you're thinking.  Here's my fear: to people who don't know Etienne well, he is charming, sweet, and generally well behaved.  My fear is that he is telling a well intended, mandated reporter that I am pulling and grabbing him.  After he has been telling them I am mean. After he is moaning and groaning about his aches and pains (usually as a result of an attempted Puss in Boots move off the railing or bunk bed).  You see my fear?  To the average reader, my fear is exaggerated and I am "making a mountain out of a mole hill."  We moms tend to do that.  So I sat in tears in the front of the car with this new gross emotion overwhelming me as Ryan dealt with our boy for the remainder of the evening.

Somewhere around 3:30am last night, I played out my worst case scenario.  E tells the para at school that I am pushing and grabbing him; she has to report this per state law.  CPS shows up.  God shows up too.  I have Molly's articulate words and a household of beauty out of ashes.  And probably a decent blog post.  I can handle that.  Laughing at the thought of Molly and Blake defending me to anyone was the moment I realized my prayer allowed God's words to overcome this fear.  He will win this battle too.