Room4More!!!

A laughing matter

2012-01-26T06:59:00.002-06:00

I have an old fashioned cold and I can't smell anything. About 10:30 last night, I'm snuggled in my fleece sheets, pillows propped and tissues at hand, when my fab husband climbs in next to, freezes, climbs right back out of bed and says "Ugh. It STINKS like pee!" He begins frantically peeling back all my cozy layers, burying his face into each to find the source. I saw patients yesterday, so I sent out texts to the sitter, hoping you-know-who had fallen asleep in our bed. Nope, he slept in his nest on the floor....meanwhile, Ryan is now sniffing the carpet, attempting to crawl under the bed and peeking behind it. Meanwhile, I still can't smell a darn thing. Ryan attributes this extra sensitive nose to post traumatic stress, him being the one in East Africa that pretty much had kid urine on him at all times.... Since I couldn't smell anyway, I just climbed back into my coziness and planned to wash the whole entire room in the morning.
About 6a this morning, E is wondering down the hall and as I go to escort him back to bed, he asks, "Did you find my underwear on the floor yet?" Nope, but Daddy's nose has.

Brain freeze.

2012-01-24T11:12:00.001-06:00

Today I am stuck. It's like writers block or a brain fart around here. We have found ourselves looking at each other, saying "It doesn't matter what we do," with our consequences for Etienne again. I remember an "aha" moment with Molly; she loved being in her room reading, so her consequences (she's seriously had maybe 5 her whole life) were that she couldn't read. Yup, grounded from books. Blake is old school; a spanking and a prayer and he's usually good to go. Zeke has major repentance when we raise our voices at him, so he doesn't require much in the discipline department either.
Every adoptive mom I know struggles with "Is this attachment or is this a strong willed kid?" I'm a big fan of algorithms and I need to figure out how to make one for E. An exact response that is guaranteed to be the right answer. I know, I know an algorithm for any parenting would be fabulous but trust me, parenting a kid with RAD takes the unknown to a whole new level. There hasn't been an "aha" moment or even much trial/error. It's crazy! We can't do the traditional parenting because at Etienne's core is "No one really loves me forever, so I am just going to see what happens if I...." I never ever hesitate to punish my biological kids because I know that there isn't a doubt in their minds that they are my children and I would die for them. But putting a kid who doesn't believe he is loved in a time out corner is just pushing him away from what he needs: more love and more attention. Believe me, it's infuriating and exhausting because time outs are a great way for a parent to catch their breath and get a grip. So, no time outs for E. Spankings are sort of taboo too because we don't know 100% that E wasn't physically abused before he was ours. For awhile losing toys was working but at some point we feel like we are just donating too much and it wasn't fair to the rest of the kids in the house (and we start running low on toys which leads to marker on the piano and holes in the drywall) The one thing Etienne consistently loves is dessert. Except this mama will not make dessert for every meal! Heck, these kids just discovered the joy of Village Inn pie last Friday. I am very aware the disciplining, spankings, time outs, punishments, etc are like sex and politics. You aren't really supposed to talk about them with friends, right? Whatever. There is no shame here.
Ryan, E and I had this really brilliant (so we thought at the time) talk over the weekend:
Mommy: One time, Daddy told me that he really didn't like it that I never put the toothpaste lid back on when I was done using it.
Daddy: It was messy. And gross.
Mommy: So I said 'I'm sorry I did that.' Then what do you think happened?
E: You made bad choices?
Daddy: No! She started putting the lid on.
Mommy: I showed him that I loved him by putting the lid on because I knew it upset him when I didn't.
E (appears to be processing this): And then it wasn't messy? Ok, I will put the toothpaste lid on.

So I am back at the drawing board but at least I have a clean toothpaste drawer.

Remember when.

2012-01-23T15:16:00.000-06:00

A couple nights ago, Zeke asked if he could see the pictures from when we adopted him. Actually, his words were, "I want to see when you went on the airplane and you sang that song about the mountain moving and than God did."
Zeke is my baby but he isn't a baby anymore. We frequently forget. I tried to pry open his little brain to figure out where this idea spun from, but all I got was "My friend Mason doesn't have brothers or sisters, that is so boring." Zeke and his one liners kill me.
So 5/6th of us cuddled up on Zeke's bed and watched those sacred moments again. So sweet and still so awe inspiring at God's love for us. Seeing the picture below, Blake said, "Molly, I love you." Be still my heart.

It's not like Molly was doing something remarkable, but Blake must have some sweet memories of this moment with her.

Making birth mom, adoption and orphanages a part of our family's normal language and dialogue has served us well. There is no shame or sadness in "before you came home," conversations. I really think E and Z look at their adoption as something normal, natural and that God did it. And He did. Don't get me wrong, we are fully aware that at some point, probably during the angst of middle school, there will be resentment and there will be questions. At least the two of them will have each other and at least in their core they will know they have always been wanted.

I feel loved.

2012-01-21T09:50:00.001-06:00

My husband is a good man. My adoption mamas are amazing sisters. God is good. I am getting respite in 6 days at a retreat geared just for encouraging adoptive families. I am humbled with gratitude.

To check it out, visit the website. http://createdforcare.org/

Attached vs Traditional

2012-01-19T10:01:00.000-06:00

Reader disclaimer: this is an honest post. Keep your judging at a minimum unless you've been there, done that.
Scenerio 1- Your kid jumps on the bed when he is thought to be sleeping, so forceful that he breaks the frame.
BA (before adoption): spanking, time out with a prayer and loss of privileges
AA (after adoption): Pray.Time in (don't let that kid out of your sight, he needs attention) for 24hrs, sleep next to mom and dad until further notice.

Scenerio 2- The kiddo has just told you that the sitter is the one that removed the all the pages from the books. (Laurel, shame on you!)
BA: Spanking, prayer, to the room to be alone and "think," than maybe chores to replace the book.
AA: Pray, time in, than give the kid a box of hard "baby proof" books that can't be damaged, those are the only books he can look at while always in your line of vision, until further notice.

Starting to see the pattern here?
Then run on the tread mill as fast as you can until the prayer and sweat has taken the anger out of you.

Mama's on the treadmill running super fast.

Keeping it Real

2012-01-17T09:29:00.001-06:00

I am honored, honored, that many other adoptive families ask me what to do when the honeymoon phase is over. It motivates me to continue to peel away the layers of attachment disorders. It's why I am not giving Etienne meds for sleeping or allowing him to destruct little things because they could become big. I don't want a band aid. I want a whole child. It is so cool to be able to pray with other moms that are hiding in their pantries, wondering what to do to make their new kiddo get it. But I am a long, long way from knowing how to fix a broken heart.
This weekend was one of those weekends that I found myself at the end of "me" again. In the span of 24 hrs, we had cleaned marker off the piano keyboard, attempted to reassemble a new remote control car that had been dissembled, searched high and low for some irreplaceable pieces of many Christmas gifts, stopped him from hanging/snapping his neck (while reenacting "Puss in Boots" and I am NOT exaggerating) and lost some books from my childhood. I am not sharing this to lament. I am sharing this to encourage others on this journey after the casseroles stop arriving and your family has moved down the prayer list. Because that's when adoption starts.
Another mom pondered "What defines a successful adoption?" and since she asked, I have returned to this question over and over again. God adopted us as His own without any requirements. His love is as far as the east is from the west; without bounds or an asterisk at the end. When you've been home with your longed for adopted child and they are redefining your patience, your parenting skills and your family core, that's when adoption starts. I remember crying to Ryan one night that I just wanted my heart to feel like I could die for Zeke and Etienne; in my mind that would define a successful adoption. That was a long time ago, before I came to the end of me and completely, 100% gave up. And giving up on myself was when I finally started to truly appreciate what unconditional love really looks like In our family, for us, successful adoption is ongoing and I believe that every so often, when we have incredibly frustrating RAD days (and nights, who am I kidding?), God gives me that reminder that His adoption of me was perfect. And I am not Him. He's got this. So I will keep peeling the layers and putting the ugly moments out there because I know that those ugly moments are molding the six of us to His definition of adoption. And now I shall google how to remove vasoline from the remote.

Falling asleep with Mama

2012-01-13T11:28:00.004-06:00

     855 days. That's how many days Etienne has been home. That's how many days it took for him to fall asleep on my lap. It was worth the wait.
     I had just finished scrubbing the walls from where he had taken his boots and marked a snow-salt path along them when he played with the remote/dvr. Truthfully, I was acting on exhaustion and frustration, but the "attached parent" reaction was that I snuggled him on my lap on the couch. As we were snuggling, E said, "Baby Em sleeps on her mama sometimes when she is at our house." Thus began our conversation about mamas and babies. I told him that I loved snuggling him because I never got to when he was a baby or really little. I could tell he was proccessing this but soon he began sucking his thumb, relaxed all his muscles and gave in.
     I can't recall the first time Molly fell asleep on me but I am positive it was within the first moments of mommyhood. I don't remember my first true mama moment with Blake. Mols and Blake were blessed to be borne into arms that had the capability to keep them close for always. I pray, and I believe, that Etienne's birth mom held him close too, if even for a moment.
     I remember that all through the waiting game, that paper pregnancy before my boys came home, people telling me "God's timing is perfect," and convincing myself that it was so. It still is perfect. 855 days perfect.

Basketball vs Piano

2012-01-12T11:12:00.002-06:00

Routines are a big deal for all kiddos. Routine is essential for Etienne, and when we change our, he comes unglued. For example, this morning, after we dropped the bigs off to school, we came home before we went to the YMCA. Usually, we go straight to the Y. E was very concerned about stopping back home; tearful and whining. Two hours later, we've had some lying, some peeing and some drama. I can tell you because I am his mom that this is what RAD does. I have come to a place of peace with during his mess. Lately, I have this vision of Etienne, sitting on a concrete slab in a loin cloth and tee, yelling. I believe God's burned this memory on my brain to give me patience. Be patient with this boy that never had a snuggle before bedtime. Be patient with this child that learned not to cry because no one ever answered his tears. Be patient with your son because I am patient with you.
Our routine has changed in the last week so I need extra patience. To those who knew me BA (before adoption), I thrived on being busy. Somewhere between Kigali and Iowa, we realized the most important time is between the walls of our home. However, our kiddos need to be allowed to be their own people and so we have to let them pursue their interests outside those walls. Hence the schedule change! Molly's had her acting/drama stuff for awhile and Zeke still does the baby brother tag along with mama thing. Etienne tried sports and made it clear that it wasn't his thing. Blake-man, our virtually vegan boy LOVES LOVES LOVES sports. As of this week, while Blake is at basketball, Etienne has piano. It's hysterical to me that our naturally athletic, freaky strong and graceful Rwandan prefers music lessons while his "twin" longs to be the next All Star (and remember it's even funnier because B looks like an anger free, sweet Eminem). Again, God clearly has a sense of humor, and again, those nuns knew what they were doing. It would be perfectly natural for E and B to be jealous and competitive with each other, living like twins. Instead, by God's grace, their interests and strengths are so different; that Blake has a compassionate heart for E and that E is by nature loving. Such a perfect plan. It's the laughs at Blake climbing into the van in his sweatband with a basketball while Etienne solemnly loads up music books that encourage my patience and restore my hope.

My Girl.

2012-01-09T14:17:00.001-06:00

Molly's "head shot," used for auditions.

She doesn't get a lot of blog posts about her, but Molly could (should) have her own blog. She's our little writer, actress, negotiator , thinker and prayer warrior. She's basically awesome (and a teeny bit spoiled because of her princess status as only girl in the Entourage).

A lot of the time, Molly flies under the radar. Who can blame her, really, with all the nudity and noise around here? Molly prefers to have her nose in a book, sing a Show Tune in prep for an audition or create an elaborate make-believe game in the woods. Tuning out her brothers is her specialty. She is my moral support, knowing what to pray for or telling me "I love you and I'm sorry today was hard." Who is this kid anyway to encourage her parents like that?!

Etienne is Molly's "teddy bear," while Zeke is her "sparkly eyed smiley face baby;" both of them rely on her for a lot of affection and reassurance. Lately, Etienne has gone into her room several times and taken things, then proceeded to take them apart. Think undoing every link on a necklace or pulling out every page of a book. Her reaction is to kiss him and tell him she forgives him. Every time. Every single time. The grace that she shows her sometimes-too-difficult-to-embrace brother is awesome. It motivates me and it reminds me that God is working in this home. He is working in our family. I may struggle with 3 steps back and 1 step forward but Molly has an empathetic, nurturing and patient soul. Ask her what she wants to do someday and she'll say "I want lots of daughters from Asia, to travel around and write books for God." I so love her.

the missing tooth

2012-01-05T10:39:00.002-06:00

Etienne's newest nest in our bedroom.

Blake is always wiggling his lower teeth, being a kindergartner, tooth talk is the coolest. Yesterday Etienne discovered a loose tooth, and giving his knack for taking things apart, he had his tooth pulled out by bedtime(think ouch and gross because both words describe the event!). Ryan and I were convinced that the whole tooth fairy business would further decrease Etienne's up-all-night behaviors. Wrong! I am sure God was chuckling at us. The kid actually snored. I have never seen him sleep so well as he did last night!
Further evidence of God's grace in our family is that Blake could care less that Etienne lost a tooth before him. Chalk it up to his self-assurance if you want to, but I say it's a grace thing that Blake didn't feel bad. (Ok, maybe he's too assured, he did say 'my teeth are super strong you know.')

Is this further evidence that E's age isn't objective?!

...to fall in love

2012-01-04T11:11:00.000-06:00

You wanna know what makes me crazy? That Etienne can sit through 45 minutes of a piano lesson with an elderly man but in the 5 minutes I leave him unattended at home he seeks out a crayon to color on the woodwork. It's frustrating that he will allow a sitter to sleep through the night but that Ryan and I book a hotel room for respite. That makes me crazy. It hurts my feelings that after all this time, his actions still aim to hurt us. But it's not about me, is it?
Ultimately, Etienne, Molly, Blake and Zeke aren't my kids. God has entrusted me with them for the time being. Ultimately, my goal as their mama is to help them live a life that glorifies God. And to do that, they need to know Him personally. i can't force them.
For awhile now, I have been praying that Etienne could know that he is loved unconditionally. Last night, I decided to change my prayer for him. I am just praying that E find God on his own accord. Sure, he is young to have a personal relationship with God. But this is the God that divided the seas from the land. The God that moved literally dozens and dozens of people to bring our boys home when the bureaucracy said no. So I don't doubt that a 5 year old can find a real relationship with Christ. I want Etienne (and all my kids) to live a life driven out of love for their Creator and not approval of man. So my new prayer for my son is that he fall in love with God. Amen.

#laughsohardyoucry

2011-12-29T21:45:00.000-06:00

We have officially reached insanity. Ryan and I took all 4 kiddos ice skating at an outdoor rink. In the rain. Without help. En route, Ryan suggested that a trip to the dentist may be more enjoyable while I opted for immunizing them all at once...we were SO WRONG! I know that I have not laughed this hard since BA (before adoption). Pure joy. The photos above are in order so that you may appreciate Zeke on ice. It is not an exaggeration that every moment Zeke was upright, he deliberately fell. All out, blades-up-in-the-air, arms flailing, hollering. He would scream one of two phrases, either "Ka-pow!" or "Alvin! Simon! Theodore!" Needless to say, it was probably one of the more dangerous activities we've done thus far, but SO worth it. Of course, I teared up thinking about my babies in the arms of the Sisters at the Home of Hope, coming up those stairs, with their glazed eyes and flat expression...and their giggling now.

Upon coming home, there was a lot of ugly, RAD stuff but I am thinking we had a "Ah, ha" moment with Etienne. After some difficult disciplining, we had this talk and decided that from now on, a toy would be donated for every defiance.

Mama: E, toys don't fill your sippy cup with water. Toys don't hug you when you are angry. Toys don't give you food. Toys don't love you.

Etienne: My family loves me.

10 minutes later,in bed.

Etienne: Dear God, please help me not to try to hurt Zeke. Help me tell the truth, help me_______etc etc. I want to remember that my family loves me and not my toys. Amen.

Ryan's effort to preserve this. Note that Molly is far away from us.

The season we're in.

2011-12-28T21:28:00.000-06:00

I should tell you about the beauty of having all four of my babies home, in my arms, reading about the first Christmas. The PC version of the Higgins' family Christmas would talk of how amazing our parents are (they love us well no matter the mess we are in),that our kids were thrilled at the simplicity of Target $1 bin gifts or that our hearts are on all the babies not in their mamas arms. All this is true. The reality is that our boys' version of "Happy Birthday to Jesus" involved telling our Savior he "smells like a monkey and looks like one too" (I'm pretty sure Jesus would laugh at that), that we already donated a few of the new toys to charity and that my favorite gift was what I gave my husband: a night of 8hrs of uninterrupted sleep in a hotel across the river. That is real life here and now.
This Christmas season has been a lot of struggle for Ryan, myself and our Etienne. This is nothing new. I am so grateful that the old testament writes of the promise of Jesus' birth, when times were tough beyond my measure, that there was and IS hope for our salvation. I have been holding onto Isaiah 35, when "everlasting joy will be on their heads," with the promise of Christmas.
So we don't sleep. The greenery has seen its greener day. Our 3rd child lives somewhere between time out land and attached to mommy's back world. But we are here, together and it's a season of hope, joy and love. I don't want to be Debby Downer. I'm just being real.

He needed me

2011-12-22T09:15:00.000-06:00

Etienne had an afternoon full of workups to follow up on some of his voiding and incontinence issues and some abnormal lab values (please, don't tell me boys are hard to potty train. Duh. I live with boys.) It wasn't much fun but at the time, it was his cup of tea to be the center of attention and his mama gave him Bubbalicious.

Later in the day, after all of the workups, Etienne was nervous to go to the bathroom. Understandably. As he sat in the bathroom, he began to hyperventilate and sob louder than I have ever heard any of my kids cry. He wanted me to push my hand on his heart and pray with him. As we prayed, Blake brought in his 'Baby E,' and Zeke and Molly rubbed his head. Etienne said, "Mommy, mommy," over and over. Ryan and I were looking at each other and we both realized that we felt like this was the first time that E had ever really wanted us. Sure, if he skins a knee, he wants me (which even that used to not be the case), but typically, we feel like he wants attention, that it isn't a need for us. He will ask for me when I am not around, but again, it has felt like attention seeking behavior more than anything. In our little bathroom, with his whole family there, E needed his mama and daddy.

Probably, many of you are thinking I am making a big deal about another Etienne thing. It's okay if you think that. I know in my mama gut that we had a moment that I won't forget. I know in my heart that his cry for me was longing for protection and security. It was more primal and more natural. This is a child that all day long says, "Me? Me?" when you are talking about croutons, changing the oil or Newt Gingrich; he is that desperate to be included and to have attention. So his parents feeling for the first time that they are needed and wanted purely because they are his parents is a big deal.

Physically, it doesn't really matter if Etienne's kidneys, bladder or pipes are working right or wrong. God will fix that. And we will continue to find new, clever ways to ensure dryness. At the core is our boy's heart. I love, love how God uses moments like peeing to get us a little bit closer to our boy and closer to Him.

Sparkly Eyed Smiley Face Part II

2011-12-19T13:26:00.000-06:00

Do you see a theme here? I can catch a hilarious face, question or commentary with Ezekiel at any given moment. He may have started his first weeks home screaming but now Zeke is all about the laughs. While all the boys are getting dressed this morning, they are comparing belly sizes, color and shape.

Etienne: What is the umbrella cord on me for anyway?
(translation: umbilical cord, please note their mama had just delivered a baby, so the terms reflect timing!).

Blake: It hooks the baby to the mom so it doesn't fall out.

Me: (while braiding hair, turning Black Eyed Peas louder to get them moving faster AND answering a page) It also feeds the baby, and it's important for....

Zeke: (yelling, as he ALWAYS does) EXCUSE ME, MAMA! You don't even need an umbilical cord. You feed me and you give me everything I need and my umbrella is brown and yours is vanilla.

THE END.

God vs. Community

2011-12-15T09:31:00.000-06:00

"Little E," Etienne's birthday gift that he LOVES because "he looks like maybe I looked"

Truthfully, since Etienne's birthday, we have been in one of the toughest times to date. There have been days when I literally feel like my heart is breaking. I physically have pain and it isn't a "poor me" pain. It's a suffering for my boy's soul. I don't want to get into the attachment behaviors, the sleepless nights or the sad conversations we have though.

This suffering is something I know only God can heal. I totally believe and know and find comfort in that. It's my own hurt that I am navigating. If you are thinking or praying about adoption this is for you. If you already adopted and the meals have stopped coming, this is for your. If you have a neighbor or children that have adopted, this is for you. It's important to know that the cute child that laughs big, smiles bigger and doesn't know a stranger could very well be a totally different kid at home. Kids who struggle to attach and bond typically save their ugliest behaviors for their moms (I know, I know you are saying 'all kids are worst for their parents') but comparing RAD behavior with naughty-for-the sitter behavior is like apples and oranges. So if your girlfriend, daughter-in-law or coworker is struggling with her adopted child, you can know that she is getting the brunt of the behavior. Probably when she is alone. And probably after that child has been an angel at a family gathering. Which feels like salt on a wound.

I am not asking for sympathy. No pity! I wanted this. I still do. I have isolated myself, made an island, out of selfishness. I haven't been able to find words for some of the people who love me best. And that is my sin. It's two years out. I can't remember a lot of the details of our first weeks home. So I get that it's difficult for those who love us to understand our hurt right now. But I am so grateful that adoption redefines community.

I have been blessed in my suffering because I have family that will brainstorm better absorption systems at night. I am touched by a co-worker who says 'You are sighing a lot, are you ok?" I am encouraged by text messages of prayers. I am grateful for girlfriends who bring me salads, just because. I am motivated by Zeke saying "I rang my bell loudest for Jesus!" My strength is renewed by the writings of Isaiah, promising a savior who will take my son's broken heart and our families wounds, and redeem us.

What I've Got

2011-12-09T21:28:00.001-06:00

Still feeling overwhelming frustration. So I'm doing a glass half full of perspective today. Since adopting 2 boys:

I text at record speed because it's too loud in my house to carry on a phone conversation
I've introduced our extended family, coworkers and neighbors to a unique, East African blend of resistant ringworm
This family can make dinner last over an hour or in under 5 minutes, depending on the scenario.
My nurses now believe it would take a fire, a kidnapped child and a woman pushing her baby out,all simotaneously, to get me "stressed."
At work, I can complete a pap on a patient while at least 3 children are climbing on me and still do a gentle, thorough job
My life is much funnier than reality TV.
Etienne has become an awesome filter for weeding out our true friends.
Ryan and I can change a kid, give a sponge bath and change sheets while half asleep in under 3 minutes. Twice a night.
I have the deepest most beautiful reliance on my Creator than I ever could have had if He hadn't given me this journey.

valleys

2011-12-06T10:30:00.001-06:00

We are in a valley right now and I am struggling to see the view from here. I have come to expect some rough patches after good times (daddy home 24/7 X5! birthday parties!) but I am not sure why this valley is so wide right now. I really feel like I am battling for my son's heart again.
God has this, I know. I also know that prayer is what I need. Molly, Blake, Ryan and Zeke too. Etienne's little heart could use even more.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" -Romans 8:26.

Yippee for Zeke-ee!!

2011-12-04T18:39:00.001-06:00

The first winter for Zeke, he was trying to fight off affection and giardia, so snow was out of the question. Last winter, he cried and cried each time he got cold. We are talking SHUT THE DOOR this kid is out for the count crying, unresponsive with a flat affect. We had realized by than that Zeke had some sensory deficits and extreme temperatures is one of them. (He also flips out if clothing or shoes aren't "tight!!" so don't even think about getting him Velcro. Kid sized Under Armor is his thing.)
Well, God always wins. And he won the temperature battle. The Bigs convinced the Little of trying to snowboard and he loved it! Zeke spent a good hour outside, snow boarding and doing everything a kid is supposed to do in the snow. YIPPEE! We love the snow around here and it wasn't going anywhere despite Zeke's protests.
PS If you've seen our house, we have a perfect Bunny slope on the side yard that flattens out and than leads to our forest, which is a decent sized drop off. The Entourage discovered sledding and boarding off the slope, into the forest, than used jump ropes and Blake as a human rope to pull themselves up cliff again and again. It's one of those ideas that I know I should probably stop, but I just want to see how it plays out first... Blake reminded us that he "totally couldn't do this without my brothers."

roller coaster ride

2011-12-01T08:52:00.001-06:00

Stinkin' RAD. The reality of post adoption life is this: it's a roller coaster of beautiful highs and ugly lows. It's long and it's two steps forward, one step back. It's exhausting and it's not for everyone. This post is not a pro-adoption post. We had some great days with E and Zeke showing some attachment signs (sorry, lady who didn't get any Rwandan love) and now we are in the midst of riding another low. This is for the mamas out there just trying to find joy after coming home.
I know I have readers that know the old me, the BA (before adoption) Kara. The free spirited, go getter. I'm still there. I just have this new purpose, this new heart, and this new love. And it's not for my boys or adoption. It isn't about orphans or Africa. It's about seeking God in every aspect of my life in levels I never knew I needed God before. I can't get through some of these ugly days, when the things that happen in this house are too gross to even whisper about. I can't go to work without being broken for the mamas I deliver. I don't see Molly, Blake, Etienne and Zeke as merely amazing kids with big hearts that I need to send to Sunday school and instill American values in. Their hearts are at stake here. Somewhere between Kigali and Council Bluffs, God shook the self-reliant, free-spirited me and said "Look, you can't do this. My love is sufficient." And than everything I thought I knew was gone.
I desire to serve orphans in their distress. I want to promote adoption. But more than anything, I just want to seek God. There aren't therapists, RAD specialists, teachers or other parents to get me through the really bad, don't-talk-about-it days. I share this to encourage other families to do the same. When you are suffering or ashamed that AA (after adoption) life isn't what you wanted, know that your purpose here with your child is so much bigger than you ever imagined. It's okay to lament and it's okay to cry. Even in front of your new kids. That is exactly where you will find Him. And to all those who think "this is what you wanted;" you are right and I have so much more.

No hugs, thanks.

2011-11-29T13:36:00.001-06:00

HUGE. Etienne and Zeke encountered an acquaintance and he told her that he was 5 now. She said "Wow, can I have a hug?" He glanced back at Ryan and I, than said "No, thank you," and walked away. Zeke yelled "Nope!" and ran. HUGE. Sure, it probably hurt that woman but I was too thrilled with the "No," that I really wasn't thinking about anyone's feelings but my sons.
We have been working toward that answer for 2 years. You wouldn't expect Blake to hug a random, well intended, middle-aged woman because she asked. So don't expect my Rwandan babies to either. It is HUGE that a child with beginnings in an institution differentiate affection from loved ones vs strangers. HUGE.

Birthday Boy

2011-11-25T21:51:00.001-06:00

His request was a "strawberry cake with yellow, smiley-face frosting like my jammies."

Etienne's birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I got him this cool Birthday Boy button to wear all day but he lost it before we even left the house(what was I thinking anyway?). Blake made it known to anyone we encountered that it was his brother's big day anyway; and pondered "why is everyone saying it is Thanksgiving first and not Etienne's birthday?"
The eve of his big day, Etienne's birth mom was on my heart. Before I became E and Zeke's mom, I had this selfish idea that I didn't want to share my children with another family. But the moment I met my boys, all my insecurities and shallow ideas regarding our birth moms disappeared. I would give anything now to be able to just spend a half hour with Etienne's first mom. I would ask her about his arrival. Did he come out loud and yelling, the way he enters a room now? Was he rolly-polly, with eye lashes a mile long? Did she labor alone and afraid or was she surrounded by other women, loving and comforting her? My prayer for E's birth mom on the Eve of his big day was that if she is alive, that God has blessed her with a peaceful heart. That maybe, somehow, she knows that her baby is safe and warm tonight and that he is loved so much that it hurts.

There are days when I feel like my title, this blog, our home, the van, should all be labeled by him. "E's Mom, E's house, E's car...." because he demands a lot of time, energy, thought, prayer, worry, resources and more prayer. But this year, I am most thankful for the struggles that we have had being Etienne's. My little boy has led me to God like nothing else. In undergrad, I had to take 15hrs of philosophy and about the only thing I got out of it was something about how to know good, you must know its counterpart. Well, being E's mom has brought me to the darkest places in my own heart where the only thing that could fix it was God's grace alone. And those ugly moments, when I can't do anything but get on my knees, they make the good that much sweeter. If E hadn't fought me for 2 years to rock at night, I wouldn't be so grateful for the first time he fell asleep on my lap. There is a birth mama somewhere in Kigali tonight that doesn't get to hold Etienne as he sleeps. But I'm E's mama now. God has given me 2 years of clenched fists and wiggling,whining so that I can relish the sweetness of him sleeping here on me now.

The Answer was 'No"

2011-11-18T19:46:00.001-06:00

After a week of ups and downs, long faxes, frantic phone calls, early morning notaries and a race against the clock, a judge in our county denied the petition to readopt the boys tomorrow, on National Adoption Day. Tonight, Etienne said "I love being in my family." So I will praise Him anyway.

In the car, Zeke asked if we can take a picture with slushies on our heads. So I will praise Him anyway.

Molly reminded Blake that "You always have your brothers for friends." And I praised Him.

Dinner with all my babies at the same table, eating off each others' plates and all talking at once. I praised Him still.

I can choose to be grumpy that the bureaucratic system is hindering Etienne and Zeke from sharing our last name. Or I can be thankful that I live with them in my arms every day. There are more than 143million orphans in the world and my boys are 2 less. No matter what the judge may say.

Request

2011-11-15T15:52:00.001-06:00

I don't need a birth certificate, a judge, a passport or the government to tell me that Etienne and Zeke are mine. But the rest of the world needs more than what was born in our hearts so long ago.
It's the 11th hour. For months, we have been planning to do our re-adoption of the boys on Saturday because it is National Adoption Day. We chose now because we are finally complete with the Rwandan post adoption studies and we wanted to do it in November. Our agency hooked us up with a lawyer in Des Moines that has done re-adoptions for children brought to the USA on I-4 visas. She said "Sure, no problem. I'm doing 2 other African re-adoptions for I-4 visas that day too." She than emailed that she would get permission from the judge in our county, Pottawattamie (western Iowa) to file it in a different county from where we reside. Last night the lawyer emailed me that she can't reach a judge, and therefore, find a lawyer in Western Iowa to do it in our county.
I have spent ALL DAY on the phone with family law offices, The National Adoption Day coordinators, DHS and now even the county Judge. There aren't lawyers or even a judge around here knows about I-4 visas (this is why our agency told us to go to Des Moines in the first place.). DHS spent several minutes telling me that if I would have chosen to do foster adopt, I wouldn't have this problem now.
I am defeated. Please reserve your questions or suggestions because state to state and country to country laws vary. (Unless you are a practicing lawyer or judge in Iowa!) Please just pray that God will move this mountain. When we were in Rwanda, and later in Ethiopia, there were courts, officials, documents and laws that should not have allowed the boys to be ours. God moved them and He can move this. "I believe, help my unbelief." -Mark 9:24

Intentional Fun.

2011-11-14T13:35:00.001-06:00

Simeon and Etienne post NFL game!

I call this past weekend "Intentional Fun" time. Ryan took E and Blake to the Chiefs/Broncos game with friend Tony and his older boys, Simeon and Justice. The moms, sisters and little brothers spent much needed time chatting, playing and shopping. Ryan had high hopes of a winning Chiefs team and son's that were engaged in the game; doing the "Tomahawk Chop," and asking what "off sides" means. Not so much. 2 minutes into the game, Etienne asked to leave and several meltdowns followed until the dads called it a day. Ryan tried.
The night before the game, we had a sleepover with all 8 of our kids together. We let E start out sharing space with others, but he ended the night in the crib. We tried.

The beauty of our families' friendship is that each of us has our counterpart that "gets it"(they adopted their younger from Ethiopia). Molly has their eldest daughter, Trinity, who shares the misery and patience of having 3 younger brothers. Blake has Justice and Simeon, boys who know the pressure of having an adopted younger brother. And I turn to Nicole to say talk RAD, swap nudity stories or just to cry. I'm pretty sure the dads haven't cried to each other.

During our sleepover, Etienne had his layers of diapers and he ended up in the crib. As you can see above, Simeon loves him anyway. Sim is Etienne's friend despite his diapers, his tantrums and his attention seeking behavior. The same is true for the rest of the gang too. And I do mean gang. They are some lovable, funny kiddos.

Ryan left the game feeling a little disappointed; just as I had the night before as I put my E in the crib. It's the same feeling I get when I fasten his diaper layers. A little bummed but with the hope that one day, he will get it. Until than, we keep trying.

PS You should see the hostess when we say "8 kids, 4 adults, 2 high chairs, please."

Immaculee

2011-11-10T14:20:00.001-06:00

I woke up today grumpy. Here's a run down of our night:
3AM: Etienne at our bedside, "Something happened to my blankets." He had undone all of them.
3:40AM: Etienne yelling "Mama, Mama!" I run into his room and he asks "Do you think that a television would fit in my closet?" I kiss him, tuck him in tight, and turn KLOVE a bit louder on his radio.
3:44AM: Loud sniffles. Louder fake cries. I climb into bed with Etienne as he tells me, "I was wondering if there are any bugs in the house." I attempt to snuggle, but with E, that makes him clench his muscles more and get fidgety. So I lie next to him until Ryan's alarm goes off in the next room. Poor us. Darn attachment struggles. When will my boy ever sleep through the night?
After our rough night, we had a big day. Immaculee Ilibagiza (www.immaculee.com)was in Omaha to share her story. If you don't know her, you should. While we were waiting for our referral, my brother-in-law had given me one of her books "Led By Faith," and since than she has become a name at our dinner table. In a nutshell, Immaculee writes of her faith and how God carried her through 91 days of hiding in a bathroom with 7 other women during the Rwandan genocide of 1994. She also has a history with Home of Hope, the orphanage of Etienne and Ezekiel's past. Much of her time and money has gone into the building and maintaining of the HOH.
We found a table in the back of the room and a video telling her story began to play. Zeke was on my mom's lap and E was on mine. Immaculee was standing in the doorway behind us and she made eye contact with Zeke and motioned him to come to her. I carried him to her and she just enveloped him in an embrace. I told her he was from the HOH and she began to cry. (You know I was already shedding tears!) Before I knew it, Blake, Molly and Etienne were hugging her too. She said something to E in kinyarwandan and he held tighter to her neck. As we walked away to sit down, he said "I am still Rwandan forever, right?"
It was a humbling reminder of God's goodness. I had a rough night but I had all my babies under one roof. Together. Etienne and Zeke deserve much more patience and grace than I typically give them. I get caught up in their struggles and I forget how amazing it is that they made it home to our arms. It was a reminder that Etienne's history, whether he was alive or not, is full of violence and grace. The genocide is a piece of his past; so that makes it a part of our family's story too.

It's not great lighting, but Immaculee is singing and dancing a Rwandan prayer and she asked all the children, with a call to Etienne and Zeke specifically, to dance with her.

I promise Etienne is in this picture somewhere.

Pieces of Hope

2011-11-08T10:47:00.000-06:00

It's hard to see, but this is Etienne's first progress report from the preschool. Under social-emotional, he got all D (developing) or P (proficient)!! His teacher said, "He has so much compassion and patience for his friends. He is always the first to offer to help me and he expresses his emotions and feelings so well."
THANK GOD FOR THIS!!! Our "homework" has been working on appropriate feelings and emotions. So we are learning... We have had a lot a lot of anxiety surrounding his behavior outside the home. I want E to be seen for the thoughtful, big hearted little boy that he is but often his behaviors mask this. His teacher also said, "Sometimes he just needs me to hug him for a minute and than he is okay again." He is loved. He is accepted. He is learning. He is where he belongs.

Letter B and Basehor...

2011-11-06T19:42:00.001-06:00

Not sure if it's visible, but on the paper place mat, Etienne wrote the letter 'E' and the letter 'b' (the b is sideways on the mat). I teared up when he held this up because we have been working on learning the letter 'b' since September 6. He got over-the-top praise and we didn't ask the sound of b or words that start with it. Let's rejoice and be glad in this little (big) accomplishment!
The weekend was bitter sweet for Ryan and me. We returned to the community that started the adoption journey with us, Basehor,attend a wedding. It is hard to go back now because we have changed so much and I think it's difficult for our old friends to understand the new us. It is also impossible to explain in words the depths of joy, pain and struggle that is post adoption life. "It's something you wanted, remember?"
People want to hug and love on the boys but this is so discouraged for little boys that are trying to learn to be attached to their family. Trying to differentiate affection from strangers to loved ones is challenging for Etienne and I could see his confusion this weekend. When we first came home, E would climb on, kiss, hug and snuggle with literally any person that gave him attention. To the by stander, they want to think "wow, this little guy is irresistible, and he likes me!" He is indeed irresistible but he doesn't care who you are as long as you are giving him attention. For his mom and dad, if he runs into your arms, it stings a little. Blake wouldn't run into your strange arms and neither would Molly. Your biological 4yo wouldn't kiss an adult they didn't know....see where I am going?
The most painful piece of this scenario is that this was our old home. These were our friends that loved and prayed us to Africa and home again. They deserve affection from E and Zeke. It's just so stinkin' complicated. I look forward to the day when the boys are old enough that I can introduce them to our Basehor family and say, "This is the woman that made you a quilt; and this whole church sold pizzas for you. That guy over there, he donated his whole penny collection for you to come home. Everyone here prayed you home." And hope that each of them knows I treasure that piece of our family story.

2011-11-03T14:02:00.000-05:00

Patient Blake. Our five minutes of "homework" last night was E and I playing Blake in Guess Who. It's pretty obvious how Etienne feels about playing board games! What you can't see is Zeke, climbing all over us, yelling clues to both sides. After a day of lots of time ins, and discipline, Ryan and I were snuggling Etienne. This is our conversation.

"God gave you ears to listen, a head to think and a heart to...."

"Keep me alive." Not the answer I was looking for (love) but still truthful. So we let that go. Than Ryan said

"Why do we love you, Etienne?"

"Because I am adopted."

"We love you because you are ours. You don't have to do or be anything. We love you because you are ours."

Typing that makes me tear up. I know, I know a lot makes me tear up. God loves us simply because we belong to Him. It isn't easy, lovely or even fun. It's messy and complicated and perfect. I continue to pray that E will know he is loved all the time because he is ours.

Big E.

2011-10-31T13:27:00.003-05:00

I am putting this picture up because I LOVE the look on my nephew Gabe's face as he looks up to his cousin. There isn't a lot that is easy, smooth or natural with Etienne, but he his behavior toward younger kids is. E does a great job being gentle and loving with kids smaller than him (and that's a lot!).
Also, we signed the boys up to play YMCA basketball. Blake and Etienne were on the same team. Yes, as in past tense. Our vegan-wanna be boy Blake is the lead scorer weighing in at 37lbs and 40inches while Etienne could totally dominate but has not an ounce of competitiveness in his body. At the first game, Ryan told him, "You need to put your hands up to block the other team from scoring." His response, "Why wouldn't I want them to score?" The next day, while picking apples, he said he didn't want to play basketball at all. We talked about it and he consistently said all week long that he didn't want to play. Our ruling was to let him quit because he only wanted to play to be with his brother. That desperate need for acceptance, want and love. And that is why my prayer for my E continues to be "just let him KNOW that he is loved just because he is ours."

The Letter B

2011-10-25T09:27:00.001-05:00

This is Etienne after our five minutes of "homework." Two weeks ago, he was supposed to bring to preschool something that started with the letter 'B' (What happened to A, I don't know, we are where we are). For the first few days of the week, every morning the entourage would name things that started with 'B' but Etienne was so not into it. He immediately began to cry and whine if he was asked. That was two weeks ago. Since than, we have been trying, daily, to get the sound of B. Yesterday his preschool teacher (he goes 3 mornings/wk when I see patients) asked that we work extra with him on his sounds. If she only knew! I am in no way, shape or form qualified to be teaching but I do have a former kindergarten teacher mom in my back pocket. Grandma has equipped us with more games, ideas and flash cards to practice with. This is again something God is growing me in. I assumed Etienne's school challenges would be in his behavior; this is the kid who has removed and rebuilt flashlights, plumbing and hairdryers. This is my boy who learned Enlish as a third language. I assumed sounds and numerical values would be a cake walk.

Two weeks into the sound of B, we still don't have it mastered. This morning I took a new approach. We looked and talked about things that start with B ("My Big Brother Blake Bounces a BasketBall!!") and than we practiced the sound of 'B." I screamed louder than I have ever screamed "B says bbbbbbbbb!!!!" Etienne looked at me and quietly said, "Mama, I usually don't like a lot of noise." Well that just did me in. Probably one of the most frequently heard phrases from this mama is "Too loud, that's too loud!" Clearly, God still has His sense of humor about me learning my Etienne.

2011-10-20T11:16:00.004-05:00

You know your child is desperate for love when:

his most frequent expression is "Can I, can I?"
he wakes up through the night so that he doesn't miss his brothers waking up without him.
vacuuming with mama is a favorite activity.
he as known as the "best sharer" and the "go get it for me" of the family
he thanks God for sitting between mama and daddy at dinner.

If that doesn't soften an impatient heart, I don't know what will.

Molars

2011-10-18T09:17:00.000-05:00

Our dinner conversations are usually fabulous. Topics range from "Let's think of some more homophone words," to "we must be twins because we both like to toot!" Last night the entourage was comparing teeth. Molly has lost several, her first was right before she turned six. Blake reassures us that he has at least five that are loose. Etienne than said, "Well what about my chipped tooth that matches yours?" E and I both have a chip in the same spot on our front teeth; a very cool similarity in mother and child indeed! I wiggled it to appease him and sure enough, it was loose. He than told me "And it hurts back here.
So I stuck my finger in his mouth as only mamas will do and felt that he did indeed have a molar cutting through. This is sort of a gray parenting area for me; I vaguely recall Molly getting hers. So I texted a dentist friend and read the ADA website.

The first of the adult molars also begin coming through in the back of the mouth around the age of six years; behind all the deciduous teeth. These will be the first of adult teeth. http://www.3dmouth.org/6/6_1.cfm

I know, I know. There is no "timeline" for growth and development in children. I tell my families all the time that "normal" is whatever your kid does, when he does it. If you are a parent that adopted your child outside the US, than I know you know where I am going with this. I don't have my son's birth certificate. His age is all speculation and subjective. So for me, Etienne cutting a molar feels like I missed more of his life. Before he came home, I would sit in my glider, praying that he was being held and loved; and that many of his "first" moments wouldn't happen until his was with his forever family. In the grand scheme of life, cutting teeth isn't a big deal. For a mom that is desperate to bond and love and connect with her 4 year old, it means a lot. I don't have memories of his first steps, first words or laugh. I will always remember eating chili, listening to gross little boy talk and discovering his first molar.
P.S. E is supposed to be 5 November 24.

Rwanda to Russia

2011-10-13T09:11:00.000-05:00

It's only Thursday, in the midst of a very long week. My E has thrown a curve ball the past 4 days. His behaviors are mirroring the classic attachment disorder list as much as they ever did a year ago. Lying, hurting others, being destructive and having a very flat affect about all of it. By the end of each day, Ryan and I are wiped out physically and emotionally. Probably what wears on us most is that we were sort of cruising this past month; E was having more good days than bad. Tuesday evening, I said "I am so thankful for a job I love that I can go to tomorrow to get a break from this." (I only work part time, sharing patients with 6 other AMAZING babycatchers).

So I show up to my clinic yesterday ready to face N. N is an older teen, pregnant and approaching her due date. Last week, N had kept me late because she had been telling the other midwives in my practice some crazy, over the top lies and I knew I would be seeing her next. These were lies that were ridiculously obvious, like "I've never had an ultrasound," (we have reports from two ultrasounds to pull out of her chart), "My parents are dead...I don't live with my parents, but they are in Omaha." "I am placing baby in adoption but I have never talked to a social worker(social worker is outside the door of the exam room). I geared up to face this lying, confused kid that I was the last of our group to see. As I walked in the room, there sat a tiny, hunched over girl. I introduced myself, hugged her and told her that all the midwives in our group know her well, we care for her and we keep track of her AND her baby. Than I asked her to tell me her story. She said, "I was adopted from an orphanage in Russia when I was 13, but I haven't talked to my adoptive parents in over a year."

I felt a knot in my stomach and my heart melted. We finished our visit, I left the room, sat down at my desk and sobbed. Attachment disorder. Of course, the lying over obvious truths, the avoidance, the disinterested body language and flat affect. We decided that it was best for me to be the only CNM to see her until she delivered because I know "the language" of orphans.

I am sharing this because God is using my little boy in so many bigger ways than I can imagine. I am broken, again, at the behaviors he uses to protect himself from our love. But I am also motivated that E is giving me the tools to love this girl well in the place she is right now. If Etienne hadn't given me a year of ugly RAD behaviors, I probably wouldn't have been able to recognize, like the rest of the staff, that our lying teen was struggling with RAD because she doesn't know what it means to be wanted, loved, cherished. Beauty out of ashes.

How long?

2011-10-10T13:15:00.002-05:00

This past weekend, Ryan and I were a part of a dear friend's wedding. It was beautiful, nostalgic and joyous. Many of the wedding party didn't know us and, of course, when a stranger asks us about our family, it goes a little like this:
"Do you have kids?"
"Wow, four?! How old are they?"
"You look so young to have four!" Here's the part where we have a couple options. We can A. Say, thanks and leave it at that. B. Explain that our two youngest are adopted. To me, this always feels like a fork in the road. Do I want to open that Pandora's Box? Depending on the examiner, the conversation could go a lot of directions from here.
The woman quizzing me this weekend, she had small children. And she followed her question with "Tell me what the orphanage was like." At this point, I feel time freeze because I really feel like this is pivotal. I know that our adoption isn't new to us, but to strangers, our story is always new. I feel really called to the plight of the orphan. And I know that adoption is not for everyone. Yet I am plagued with memories of the Home of Hope and I can't walk away from that question. So this is what I said.

I can't tell you a lot about the Home of Hope. I can tell you that I believe the nuns did the best that they could with the resources that they had. The first day that I picked my little boy up, he was being bathed. On a slab of concrete, with a bucket of cold water and some lard soap. And then they wanted to feed him before he left, so they shoveled whole sardines into his mouth. That is how I found my little boy to be surviving.

This answer is harsh. It's vivid and jarring and any mother who hears that story is going to take her breath away. I don't know if it was too much, but I felt like is someone asked such a specific question, I owe it to every other child without a family to give an honest, yet protective answer. She teared up. She said her heart broke to think of a child that way. I teared up too and I always do. I don't know how long it will be before I don't cry when I am asked about my boys adoption. I pray, never.

As big as a building

2011-10-04T21:26:00.002-05:00

So Zeke has this ritual at bedtime. Picture the sparkly eyed smiley face propped up on 4 pillows, soft rock playing, surrounded by no less than 4 stuffed animals. We ask him what he wants to pray about and most nights when he talks to God, there are a lot of run on sentences muffled with his Barry White, gruff voice. Usually I don't have a clue what he is saying. (Although one night last week he said "Please don't let anyone else die on the cross" which led to a bigger conversation than what should be had at bedtime,). After praying, he requires 3 kisses from each parent and as well as siblings. Than he insists on giving a Zeke hug, known as a Big As A Building Hug. He ends each day with the best line from a toddler ever:

"Mama, I love you and I like you."

And that is why I can start all over again tomorrow.

Road Rage.

2011-09-27T17:42:00.001-05:00

My 57lb four year old is clearly too big for the five point harness car seat. Exciting day at Sam's Club, picking out a new car seat! Etienne proudly showed anyone within shouting range his "Cars" model, the "big boy" seat like Blake. These things are so simple compared to the newborn carrier and the toddler car seat! All you have to do is take the thing out of the box!

Etienne demonstrated his skill at hooking the seat belt all by himself. My life just got a little easier; only 1/4 of the entourage needs to be buckled in! Seemed like a momentous occasion except I should have known that it was too good to be true. Can we say "freedom?" AGH!!!! Etienne can not, can not, I repeat, keep his hands off the seat belt. Driving with him has now become a game of which sibling is in charge of regulating how far out he has stretched the belt, if he is sitting sideways/hanging off the side/completely tangled within the belt; or if the boy has just stretched it so far it doesn't function. What do I do besides scold?

When Blake was 2, he wasn't easy. There was a stretch where a friend actually used duct tape on his car seat during a road trip so that we could avoid constantly re-hooking him in. I have done a little searching and there are car seats for very large kids but they are super-duper expensive because they are designed for children with physical disabilities.

If you see a black minivan with some Will Smith blaring pulled over on the side of the road with a blonde woman pulling her hair out, please don't honk. Just keep moving.

Its bigger than us.

2011-09-22T17:17:00.002-05:00

This is a shout out to Etienne's Barber Shop, Cross Cuts, in Crossroads Mall, in Omaha. Today, when they learned we had just celebrated our Gotcha Day, the entire shop celebrated. I love these guys all the time because they embrace our family. They are as real as an African American barber shop can be, and they don't care that I am a white mama struggling to maintain a healthy scalp and tight twisty curls. Every time we come in, they turn on something like "Drum Line," turn on some clean hip-hop and make E feel like a prince. Today was no exception. They all relived Etienne's first 2+hr visit full of tears, language barriers and kicking him; than showered him with praise at his big boy behavior now. It makes me cry just to think about the love that these men give my son.
After leaving the barber, we headed to the bank. The teller, as always, from her little window, talked about to the boys. Than she said, "I remember when you came in here, needing crisp, new $100 bills and I was amazed at what your family was doing. We just adopted a dog and I told my boyfriend that he should no that someday I have to adopt a child." I feel awful I can't remember the poor girl's name and she has witnessed some ugly reality of post-adoption life. The leaky, giardia-filled diaper in her lobby, the repeated undoing of the seat belts in the drive-thru lane, the screams so loud we played charades. But God used our boys to place a longing in her heart.
I left our errands reminded at how BIG God is. In my day-to-day struggles, I forget that our boys, our family, our look, they are still 'new' to the world. What an amazing opportunity to give Him credit for the chaotic, beautiful mess of a life we live.

Gotcha Day 2

2011-09-19T20:37:00.003-05:00

Ezekiel and Etienne's Referral Pics, 9/2009

My Rwandan Boys have been home 2 years.

There aren't words for the depths of

joy

pain

grace

tears

growth

bonding

suffering

contentment

longing

faith

and more grace.

Zeke has gained 8 lbs and 13 inches

Etienne has gained 13 lbs and 8 inches

Molly has gained patience (a little) and empathy (a ton)

Blake has learned loyalty (a lot) and leadership

Wanted.

2011-09-15T10:55:00.002-05:00

I am cooking Rwandan Chicken and White Beans to celebrate "Gotcha Day." Zeke and Etienne are helping (I use this term lightly) and we are talking about what it was like to bring them home.

Me: "......so than we brought you home forever."
Etienne: "Because my birth mom didn't want me, right?"
I froze. We have never, ever said such words. Not even close. AAAHHHH!!!!! What did we miss here? How did he get that idea?
Me: "NO! It wasn't that she didn't want you. Your birth mom couldn't give you food or clean water or school."
Zeke: "Or a doggy, E."

E is only 4. Yet he has come to this conclusion on his own. We have to consider developmentally, he can't grasp that a loving action is to give your child to another family. He may think "love means giving me away." So we talk about concrete logistics relating to birth moms. The simple necessities of being a parent. Yet still we get to this thought of not being wanted.

Us time.

2011-09-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, Ryan and I went to Chicago. I am required to keep up my CEUs and so I attended a Birth Conference. We got to go with our dearest friends, Kevin and Carrie. It was fabulous to have quality grown-up time. Ryan's folks came to town to entertain the entourage: zoo, hot air balloon festival and movies. They were too busy to notice our absence.
Biblically, the bible commands that we love God first and submit to our spouses in love next(see Matthew 10). We all know this is really, really hard to do. It is a challenge to raise Godly kiddos, run a household and maybe a career but above all, to love your husband most! No matter the chaos that has followed our return home, it is sacred that Ryan and I get time to just be together; it has taken 10yrs for me to grasp the significance of time without kids. I am so grateful for our family that serves us well that we may do this.
This year, E didn't lock anyone out of the house or car. He was great for his Nana and Pops! It's the aftermath for mommy, and now siblings, that is rough. Please pray for Etienne this week. We are better equipped and know what to expect (to an extent) after a change in our routine. The lying, the hurting, the acting out are back. Our poor boy knows the words "Mommy and Daddy are always your mommy and daddy," but he doesn't feel it. I am at a place, as his mama, that I am overcome with grief when I think that E doubts my unconditional love. Most of the time, the constant noise, the breaking/taking apart/losing/reinventing of anything and everything doesn't phase me. Finding a turkey feather in the washing machine is normal around here. I let go of order and said adios to a clean house. I am even cool with all the kids waking up to stomping and chanting. But there are still a lot of moments that doubt creeps in. How long will it take to prove my love? When will he not pee his pants? At what age will we not have to buy diapers?
The cool thing about marriage is that God gave me a partner that doesn't ask those questions. He doesn't mind if he has to move laundry to climb into bed and he never comments on the prize of diapers. And that is why my other half totally deserves my undivided time and attention on a very regular basis. If you are waiting for your child to come home, take note. If you are struggling to adjust post adoption, schedule breakfast together or a midnight snack if you still working on attachment. Make it happen.
On a lighter note, Zeke told me tonight "From now on, Mama Mia (that's me), I want to say 'I love you AND I like you." I am so cool with that.

2011-09-07T07:39:00.001-05:00

Last night at bath time, Etienne had wet pants. So ok. We're not reacting with anger, no biggie at this point. We were talking about how hard it is to be big when we are really tired and he started crying.

"I feel like I am not normal. I feel all alone."

Those are the words of my preschooler. Not a teen in angst. A child in his family. Molly and Blake both heard him and stopped in their tracks. Blake laid his head on E's back. Molly kissed his head and rubbed his face. I just hugged him tight and the 4 of us cried. I am so proud that he could articulate (see Spring of 2010 for "I feel happy, this is my happy face." days) his pain so we can share it with him. I don't have words for this kind of sadness.

Pursing Him

2011-09-06T11:17:00.000-05:00

"For me, to live is in Christ, to die is gain. -Phillipians 1:21

So I heard a sermon regarding this text a couple weeks ago and it has been resonating in me since. To LIVE in CHRIST. I am living in Christ or am I just another Midwestern Mama with good morals and loud kids? I have been pondering that I live in my family. I live in my children. I live in Etienne and Zeke being my children, not orphans. Maybe pursuing my children has overridden pursuing my Father?
This has led to changing my prayers big time. I have been solely praying to live in Christ. To hear his whispers alone. You know what? Molly is happy. Blake is hysterical. Zeke has returned to his sparkly-eyed self despite his big bro going to kindergarten. And E is still struggling some days and other days, not. But my heart is lighter and it brings me back to where I was, on my knees in the pantry floor, remembering that I SO don't got this. It is not for me to control.
It has relieved some pressure too. I LOVE encouraging other mamas but I don't know day to day if my words, my writings, my hugs are helpful or harmful. Again, I don't got this, but my Father does.
Preschool is "like Sunday school all morning," per Zeke. He loves every minute. Etienne is the kid under the table or poking his neighbor. He is also the kid singing the loudest, praying his heart out and smiling ear-to-ear. Below is our accomplishments in play dough. Six months ago, he and I did our homework of sitting for 5 minutes. Now we can sit for at least 10!
In case you'd forgotten, Molly is the greatest. Exhibit A how she watches family movie night with her brothers.

timers

2011-08-29T10:27:00.000-05:00

Last night, after E had wet his pants again, Ryan and I sat outside the bathroom, overhearing him say "God, what can I do?" We were both in tears, heartbroken that our little boy has good intentions. Together, we reassured him that we love him ALL the time. Our love, like God's, is unconditional and constant. Than we decided to pull out my old waterproof watch from my floor nursing days and give it to E. We set the alarm for every 2.5 hrs and when it beeps, he uses the bathroom no matter what.
Remember, Etienne used to be potty trained. This isn't about the typical little boy nuances of potty training. This is about the brokenness of the world; about children starting their lives without a family. This is about knowing in his soul that he is wanted, he is loved, he is home. Forever. This is a wound that is God's to heal.
Zeke joined Ryan and I in the hallway. Naked and with a plastic hand (his guitar), he told us, "I have a song for you."
Zeke: "Da, dada, da da!" Repeat this sound about 64times while strumming your air guitar.
Ryan: "Sing your song, buddy."
Zeke: "It's coming, this is the guitar."
Insert lots of laughter from Molly and I here.
Zeke: "I love Etienne! I love Etienne! Da,da, dada. I don't want him to pee his pants."
Guitar solo here. And some naked dancing.
This is what it looks like for God to make beauty of out ashes.

school part 2.

2011-08-23T14:27:00.000-05:00

There is no handbook on this. I doubt our decisions daily , but I know we are right where God wants us for now. Etienne attending preschool is a day by day decision. We've adjusted our routine so that I will work 2 days/wk and on those days Etienne (when he can do it) and Zeke will attend a private preschool at a nearby church. Here is some awesomeness of the last few days.
-Zeke has now decided to be known as "Curly," and requested his name badge say that on his first day of preschool.
-Blake has been giving his brothers his skater t-shirts to wear when the miss him. Picture 52lb E and 37lb Zeke wearing skinny 35lbs (when wet) Blake's clothing. Insert visual.
-Molly has been checking with the Principal on Blake's status. He, in turn, has already cultivated a reputation for funny stories in the cafeteria. When asked, he states," Oh, you know. The one about the poo on the stairs."
- On the first day of preschool, the secretary, God love her, asked the boys if they were both adopted (?!?!? she was trying, and very sweet). Etienne replied, "Well, you are too!"

Is this a super insightful comment on God's adoption of us all or just a case of English-as-a-3rd-language confusion? I will let you be the judge...

school.

2011-08-16T21:50:00.001-05:00

The greatest gift I have been given in our adoption is that this pain, this struggle, has lead me to my knees in awe. Awe of my God's great love and mercy. I feel His grace as palpable as my heartbeat.
Tonight was one of the toughest nights the entourage has had since we became a family of 6. Lots of yelling. Tears. Damaged goods. We had back to school night for Molly and Blake-man is headed to kindergarten. This is the first time that my 3 boys will be separated and it is crystal clear to us all that Etienne AND Zeke are most attached to their older brother. Their little hearts are breaking out of fear that Blake won't come home, won't remember them, won't play with them.
Please pray for us tonight. Ryan and I need discernment. I need to let go of the guilt. Our Rwanda babies need assurance that Blake will come home to them every day. Blake shouldn't have so much responsibility for his brothers' happiness(Is it possible to be too attached?). Miss Molly just needs a little patience.
And please don't ever tell me that God can't give me more than I can handle because that's ridiculous. Of course He gives us too much because in that mess, He gets the most glory. When I am on my pantry floor in tears, I have nothing left to "handle" this. It's all Him.

Big Love

2011-08-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

Tonight Blake-man got a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's. As he was leaving, Etienne crumbled onto the floor, crying "I will miss him. I want him to come back to me." Not to be outdone, Zeke began yelling for Blake too. The oreo hug than followed and Molly swept in to tickle away the "pity party." My kids are the coolest. Later, I snuggled E after prayers.
"Etienne, do you know who loves you?" I whispered.
"Mommy and Daddy."
"Who else?"
"Molly and Blake." E sniffled.
Who loves you the most?"
"God. His love is biggest."

1 lonely backpack....

2011-08-08T15:01:00.000-05:00

That is Etienne's empty backpack. It is empty because as of right now, he can't attend preschool 3 mornings a week. If you are new to the post-adoption world, you may not know that changes in routines, whether good or bad, can wreak havoc on an older adopted child. Since returning from South Dakota, my E has had a few steps back. Long story short, he is now wearing diapers all the time. To Ryan and I, our biggest frustration with this is that he doesn't seem to mind a bit. Peeing in Sam's Club? His reaction was a flat affect, indifferent to wet, smelly pants. We have been telling him that preschools only allow potty trained kids, that big boys can't stay up to watch the Royals, etc, etc.
Last night we had a breakthrough. The remainder of the entourage, including Zeke, was loading their shiny folders, new boxes of crayons and fresh supplies into backpacks. E lost it. I mean sobbing inconsolably. No one had said a word about him missing out or his need to wear diapers. He cried and cried. First thing this morning, the crying started again and he asked to call his Grandpa. E told his grandpa, through tears and sobs, that he didn't know why he peed his pants and he wants to be a big boy. Than he asked his Grandpa to pray with him, to ask God to help him. After they hung up, this is what E and I prayed.
"Please God, let me know that I am loved ALL the time. Please God, let my heart know my family is my family forever and my home is where ever my family is. Please help me remember You love me all the time."
Today we are doing pull-ups, a step up from a diaper, a step down from underpants. Today all 3 siblings are cheering him on, that he is a big boy, that he can do it, that he is always loved.

On the road again...

2011-08-04T19:23:00.000-05:00

Back from Lead, South Dakota. Here are some highlights, lowlights and moments that can only occur when your kids outnumber you:
-Upon waking up from a nap on my back at Mt Rushmore, Zeke screamed "WE ARE HERE!!
WHERE IS CURIOUS GEORGE?!?!?" (some of you will get this)

-Blake requested Etienne to continue his loud chanting while hiking in Needles
Park in order to "scare the mountain lions away."

-All 4 kids considered the hotel pool on the middle of nowhere to be a highlight of
the trip

-Molly developed a crush on a singing cowboy at a chuck wagon dinner.

-E MAYBE slept a few hours each night.

-A wild burro attempted to climb in our van.

-Every morning, in attempt to avoid annoying our (patient) extended family, the boys
were forced to participate in a silent dance party in their room until the alarm clock
read 7:45.

-We were the van driving through all the state parks with wet underwear hanging out
window (traveling=regression for E) but it did look pretty funny to see the under
pants flapping in the breeze.

-Molly has stated that she will never, ever share a bed with her siblings again.
After the last 5 days, I think she deserves this honor!

Sleep is overrated anyway.

2011-07-26T11:17:00.000-05:00

About 6 weeks ago, I posted that once we gave Etienne permission to get up and use the bathroom at night, the soaking through his nighttime layers of diaper/pull-up/plastic cover pretty much stopped. Ha! That was a short lived thrill for him. Needless to say, now he gets up many times a night to "use" the bathroom (code for look out the window, turn the faucet on and watch the water, sit on the potty and sing) AND still have a wet bed in the morning. Besides the trips down the hall, our 4 year old has been taking several hours to fall asleep again, like he used to do. He plays, climbs, talks and just can't stop his muscles to sleep.
Security items aren't helpful. Etienne got a stuffed lamb when we brought him home. See July 2010 for pics of what he did to it at night. He has gone through security blankets/shawls made lovingly by his Nana and his Grandma. Friday night, his pillow pet was next next victim; unstitched by his restless fingers that night. So after the pillow pet was undone, we decided to put him back in our bedroom until he could show us we could trust him in the big boy room with Blake. So sad for him. I sat and watched him try to calm his muscles down and read some Psalms to him. His fists were clenched tightly. He kept saying, "I wanna be with Blake."
As Ryan and I sat replaying our nights and our rituals, trying to figure out why E was having a hard time sleeping again, we realized the problem. Blake, being older, has been allowed to stay up to watch the Royals with his dad a few nights a week. Those are the nights Etienne won't sleep. I am pretty sure that E is on guard because Blake isn't in there and by the time Blake is, E is too worked up to go to sleep.
My suspicion was confirmed yesterday. E and Zeke had a physical and Ryan and Blake waited in the car. Etienne kept saying "Where is my brother? When is my brother coming back?" By the time we returned to the car, he was sobbing and asking for "my brother." Last night, when we said prayers, he said "Thank you that my brother was waiting for me. Thank you that I can sleep with Blake." Holy cow. Special daddy time for Blake= fear and uncertainty for Etienne.
Can you imagine sharing a room with 50 kids? Whenever you roll over, you see another friend's face. Do you think it was quiet? I don't think a room full of preschoolers can ever be quiet, even if they are asleep. I am told that kids in institutions have a hard time ever getting into the restful, REM sleep and yet I still forget. I still tuck him in his big boy bed alone. With music playing and the soft glow of the hall light, I expect this to be reassuring. Geez. How quickly I lose my grace toward him when my own routine is rocked.
So we will figure out a new way for Blake to get alone daddy time and we will give Etienne is security item, that skinny blonde skater boy. And this mama will keep praying for grace no matter how little sleep there may be...

Words Matter.

2011-07-22T08:54:00.000-05:00

"Are they brothers?'
"Why were they given away?"
"Are those your real kids?"

When we were first home, these questions enraged me. It seemed so insensitive. Somewhere along the way, I found some grace. Now I usually answer the question with a little humor and kindness. "They became brothers when they were adopted." "They weren't given away, their birth mom chose a better life." "All 4 of my kids are real." It became important for me, and Ryan too, that we can use words to educate the non-adoption community. To the outside world, I know that people don't deliberately think that the choice of words like "give away," and "real" matter much. No one means to imply that my sons were not wanted. The gal from church didn't want my boys to think Molly and Blake were more cherished because they were born of me. That family in the checkout line of Target didn't intentionally say that a sibling is defined by bloodline.
I also know that sometimes the people in our community, our family, our circles think that we make too big of a deal about this issue. I am SO aware of this. So most of the time, that is why I just keep my replies lighthearted. But it matters. Little (smart) ears are listening.
I was cutting potatoes in the kitchen and the entourage was spread in various corners and counters around me, chatting. The conversation was insignificant, but Etienne's statement was huge. He said, "My birth mom didn't want me, right mom? This stopped us in our tracks and it's been lying heavy on my heart since. We have never, ever said something like that. We have always told E and Zeke that their birth mom LOVED them. That she wanted them to have food, clean water, a home and a school.
So if a 4 year old says "My birth mom didn't want me," it may just be words now. But when my boy is 11, will he think he wasn't wanted because he wasn't smart or handsome or fun? No one should fill unwanted. And that is why I correct your words

A Success (sort of)

2011-07-18T17:22:00.001-05:00

So VBS is behind us. For those who may live in Siberia or under a large boulder, VBS is Vacation Bible School. I am not lying when I say it is a BLAST. Molly lives for VBS each summer. We decided we could send all 4 kids this year. With much anxiety. I have a lot of fear sending Etienne into anything that has a lot of kids, music, movement or people who don't know him. Each morning, we stood outside the door to the church reviewing SIMPLE expectations: No running, listen to the grownups, no screaming/yelling.
If you aren't a parent yet, listen up. Most parents want to know the truth about their kid. It doesn't do anyone any good, especially the child, if you aren't forthcoming. I attached a photo of Adam, E and Blake's teacher, because he was always truthful with us about our boy's behavior. Needless to say, Etienne didn't make it all week. He did learn new songs. He made friends and learned some new scripture verses. Small steps.
Of course, Zeke sang loudly. Blake asked funny questions. Molly knew every verse by heart. They rock. They also held Etienne's hand to still him, whispered in his ear when he needed it and laughed at him for being him.
Is some of my anxiety my own sin? Maybe it's fear of being not having the well behaved child and my own need for approval. Whatever the reason, Etienne deserves for his mama to say a few more prayers, send an extra email and nervously wait on the other side of the door. For him, I will.

CD Kids VBS 2011
http://vimeo.com/cdomaha/cdkidsvbs

Flip Side of this life..

2011-07-15T20:16:00.001-05:00

What Etienne's Mama saw:
So many kids and so few adults! The orphanage was filled with kids of all sizes running around, half dressed and half fed. Those sweet sisters, they are doing the best with what they have, but the smell of diapers is overwhelming. There isn't any crying. Then I see a child fall off a concrete wall, into a ditch, and hit her head. No tears because there isn't anyone to wipe them away. It is loud and hectic and heartbreaking. My beautiful boy needs held, scrubbed, kissed. I need to teach him how to wear shoes, how to leave them on. How to walk with us and not run away to climb, jump, punch and touch everything he sees. My heart is breaking with joy and with sadness but now he can come home to his family.

What Etienne saw for 3years:
I share a room with all my buddies. I roll over, and there is a playmate. I wake up and I can run. I scream, climb, jump, tackle, wrestle, skip and yell a little louder. It doesn't really matter how much clothing I wear because it isn't cold and nobody cares. Being clean is relative; pottying my pants isn't a big deal because my pants already have potty in them anyway. All day long, there are lots of friends around. I LOVE all the other kids laughing at me; friends are around to cheer me on, do what I tell them, when I tell them. All I do is to play all day! When I fall, I pick yourself up and run a little harder.
Then one day, some people come and hug and kiss me and cry a lot. They visit and bring toys. After a few days of playing, they take me with them. At first, it's exciting. Pepperoni pizza! So much to see and hear and touch! But than, I don't get to go back to my friends. All of a sudden, I am sleeping in a small, quiet, dark room. There are only a few people around. The new place has a roof and walls. Lots of things I can't do and not a lot of noise. Not too many kids around to laugh at me. There are baths, forks, unlimited water to drink and too many things. I lost my friends. My roommates. I was the boss and now I am not in charge. I lost the only home I knew.

So what kind of mama would I be if I expected my beautiful boy to jump into his new life with ease?

I have come to decide that adopting a child is a little like marriage. You have to get to know someone and it takes time. My E and I are still getting to know each other. And I am realizing, this far out from our Gotcha Day, that E lost his world when he gained his family.

On a lighter note...

2011-07-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

Reader warning: the following is an uncensored conversation from the Higgins' bathroom.
Blake and Etienne are going potty "just one more time" before bed.
Blake: "Mom, Etienne's wee-wee looks different than mine (no judging, I realize I am a medical professional using the term wee-wee)
Me: "That's because you are circumcised and E isn't."
Etienne: "What's circumcise?"
Me: "Um, it's removing the skin at the tip. A doctor or midwife does it in some places when a baby boy is born."
Blake: "Why!?!"
Me: "No real reason." (scrambling, because I sooo wouldn't choose circumcision again. My only honest answer was something about looking like family members, but don't want E to fill left out.)
Etienne: "Blake, they chopped it off! Mama, you should tell Blake you are sorry that they chopped some of his wee-wee off!"
Blake: "Ya, mom. That makes me sad."

Seriously. I don't make this stuff up. Debated blogging the PG topic, but it is totally relevant for many adoptive families!

Amazing Grace

2011-07-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

I have hesitated to blog post-vacation. I could fill the pages in on awesome Blake is (he turned 6 while flying down the Alpine slides of Steamboat Springs), how Molly loved geocaching or that Zeke kept saying "When are we going on vacation?". I'd love to post the boys faces during fireworks at the Royals/Rockies game, singing "Proud to be an American." Instead I am cherishing it all in my heart.
Truth be told, post-vacation is an ugly mess of lying, wet pants and 3 steps back for Mr. E. My heart is broken because the lies are all for me. The rule breaking is for mama, not daddy. The expert in our back pocket says that I can be thankful that my son has such a strong bond toward his father. That his personality will probably always favor and respect men more than women. That's great in writing. But my heart still hurts.
Tonight, after a rough day, I rocked him and I said "I love you forever." His eyes glazed and I asked him what I just said. His reply: "That Daddy is sad when I lie." My gut reaction was to want to shake him. And then these words came on:
"The Lord has promised good to me,
His word, my hope secures,
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures"
And all I can do is rock my baby. Rock and sing. Rock and sing.

Whispers in my Ear

2011-06-26T22:04:00.001-05:00

Tonight we came home from a fun night out with friends and as I was picking the kitchen up, Etienne came out naked, saying, "ready for bathtime, Mama." I didn't think a lot of it but told him to please get dressed, it wasn't time yet. A few minutes later, I noticed a very large, wet stain on my red couch. I asked the crew, including my fab husband, if something spilled. E said, "Maybe from when we went swimming?" I still didn't think much of it. Long story short, Etienne peed his pants and than deliberately lied about it to Ryan and I. At length. You can guess that this was followed by a lot of discipline and tears.
I was really angry. The same old lies. Peeing his pants. Ugh. But I knew the RAD response to this was exactly what I didn't feel like doing. So I began to pray with E and than rock him (grudgingly). Then, without prompting, Etienne apologized for lying. We rocked and I sang to him and told him I forgave him. E than asked, "Sing me that song that Jesus sings." I really wasn't sure and asked him what he was talking about. He said (word for word) "When I was in that orphanage, Jesus whispered in my ear at night. He said 'I will take care of you.'" Those who know Etienne know that he is loud, funny, and loud again. He isn't much for make believe or story telling. I soaked in what he said as we rocked and rocked and cried and cried some more together. Again, Etienne told me how Jesus whispered and sometimes he sang about taking care of him. He said he didn't see Jesus that much, but he could feel and hear him. "It was dark at night, Mama."
FYI for skeptics. Everyone in the Home of Hope wore a habit. And they were women.

My husband is hot.

2011-06-24T09:41:00.000-05:00

"And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers” -Malachi 4:6 (NKJV)
The head of our household is a man of God. He puts up with chaos, lots of vegetables and an unusual amount of half dressed kids. He prefers to sleep in but is usually awoken early by singing. He gets a lot of random Trivial Pursuit questions from Molly and referees a fair number of wrestling matches. Ryan also attempts fun projects, usually with E a half step behind, undoing them.
Ryan is abnormally patient and excellent at tuning out the unessential. I think this is because during the school year, he is surrounded by adolescents. Either way, it makes parenting the boys a little easier for him. I love that he isn't phased by our hectic household and that he always thanks me for making dinner (he prefers meat/potatos yet he married a woman that could enjoy vegetarian-ism). He is home all summer, and although he isn't ready to tackle story time alone with the entourage, he easily manages the park or Home Depot.
Did you know that developmentally,when boys are ages 4-6, they begin to identify gender differences? They prefer their daddy to anyone else? This is so incredibly true, especially with Etienne. E has always preferred his father, and I am so thankful that his father is a man of integrity; fun yet strict, patient and tolerant. Below is the fort Ryan built the kids. I think he was shooting for my popular dad on the block.

Siblings

2011-06-11T18:08:00.000-05:00

Even before we adopted Etienne and Zeke, we hard a lot of comments regarding siblings and adoption. "I just couldn't love them enough as my own children," or "Adopting would really effect our kids that we have." etc. etc. etc. That is true. Adoption has TOTALLY changed Molly and Blake:
-They have empathy. Molly and Blake cry for their brothers when we talk about the orphanage. They are sad by Compassion commercials. Blake offers money (ours!) to the man on the corner.
-They are more patient with every other kid they meet.
-I can not remember the last time I had to tell them to share.
-Molly and Blake initiated, sponsored and filled 4 shoe boxes for Samaritan's Purse (http://www.samaritanspurse.org/)
-They prefer to share their room, their bed, the pillow
-My kids will not say "that's not fair" because they know now what really isn't fair in life. It's easy for us to remind them of the injustices in life.
-Both Molly and Blake believe adoption is the standard. They plan to adopt when they are "grown up."
-Molly says "it's always entertaining around the house" We don't need to make plans, schedule events or spend money to have a full day.
-Blake is the first to say God gave him his best friend "that is also my brother"
Yes, adoption changes a biological kid. Sure, Molly may have had to learn to wash her hair by herself sooner than she would have if it was just her and B. Yes, Blake has to share most every toy. We never have boredom, don't know what it's like to have nothing to do. Don't remember silence. And someday, when Molly and Blake are grown, have have no doubt that their character will be loving, patient, empathetic and totally knowing the depths of God's grace.

What more could a parent want?

reflecting on our ties...

2011-06-01T16:10:00.001-05:00

We are just recovering from the first annual Rwanda Family Reunion, and it is a little sad around here. This Memorial Day weekend (and hopefully every), we were blessed to gather for the weekend with the families of 13 other kiddos from the Home of Hope in Rwanda. It was hectic, exhausting, joyful and surreal.
To the outsider, it may seem similar to the reunion of a classmates or a family; to us there aren't words to describe the connection we share. For me, every other child from the Home of Hope is a piece of my boys' family tree. We have so little facts on our children's beginnings but we can hold on to the common thread that began each of our families.
I also know that there will be a day that Etienne is angry that he is different. I know that at some point, Zeke will want to know more about the scar on his arm. And there isn't a lot that I can do to prepare for those days, but I can keep them close to the other children that will share those feelings and struggles.
When we adopted the boys, I lost a lot of friends. It is just a fact. Our life got messy and I got real. The blessing in this is that although I lost a few old friends, I gained an extended family. That is why this weekend was so special to us. I was able to hug, for the first time, girlfriends from across the country that I have cried and prayed and worried with. Etienne got to wrestle with Moses, his buddy that came home when he did. Zeke got to blow bubbles with at least 6 other children that shared the same cribs in the same room as him. We can't tell E and Zeke what it was like the day they were born. I can't share with E his first word or Zeke's first tooth. So we have this. It isn't the same but maybe just as valuable to their identity.
P.S. The siblings of our Rwandan kids are AMAZING. I can't count the number of times I saw a big brother or sister holding, playing, pushing on a swing, feeding or generally loving on another younger kiddo. The general public probably has a perception that siblings suffer from the dysfunction that comes into a family with adoption. Not so. These siblings were clearly a group of thoughtful, empathetic and patient kids. My heart is full.
The link below is some photos my father-in-law took of the weekend.

The right tears

2011-05-25T07:25:00.000-05:00

We had some of our dearest friends visiting this past weekend. These are the kinds of friends that I don't clean the house for, I throw dinner together based on what's in the deep freeze and we certainly don't need an agenda. So fun!
Our friends son is one of E's first friends and Etienne "played well with others!" It is a sigh of relief to see some progress that he can play with another child without totally losing control. Our friends are also the kind of parents that I can relax around, they get what we are going through and the genuinely love our son and us.
Having company and lack of routine led to lots of behavior problems toward this mama, but at this point, I have come to expect it. In the midst of friends and fun, we had some issues with lying. Etienne was sobbing after being reprimanded and Ryan asked him why he was crying. He said "Because I have been naughty." So now I am crying. THIS IS AWESOME! He had an appropriate response rather then a flat expression and he had tears for his behavior, not the consequence. It has always been tears for whatever he was missing ("I don't get to play with my brothers now" "I don't get to have a Popsicle" ) These are the things we are encouraged by.
On a funny note, I have to share the fish story. I promised the boys we could get goldfish for the pond. They each got their plastic bag with a fish and I made a big production of explaining to Zeke, and especially E, that if they played with the rubber band or the knot the fish would die. Fish heaven. So we are leaving the store and I hit a bump. Blake's bag somehow breaks open and he's screaming "Jack is gone!" So I frantically pulled over and climbed in the back row of the van to search. Blake is now sobbing (as his brothers quietly watch in awe), yelling "Jesus, please." I end up finding the fish under THE FRONT SEAT of the van. He launched from the back row to under the front seat. The poor thing isn't even flopping anymore but I put him in water anyway. At this point, Blake is now cheering, "Thank you Jesus!" Etienne calming and quietly says "I did not see that coming."
I could not write a life funnier than this stuff.
P.S. Jack the fish is somewhere semi-alive in the bottom of our pond. He is now considered "Super Human" by the boys. Molly says "He was never human to begin with."

Crying together

2011-05-16T21:16:00.000-05:00

Strangling his brother's neck.
Peeing his pants (x2).
Hitting the van with a baseball bat.
Pounding a rusty screw into the bedroom wall. With my phone.
In between, there was a lot of crying, screaming and bouncing off the walls. Mondays seem to be tricky for us and when these extra ugly moments occurred, I promise I was always within a few arms length, trying to stop it. It's pointless to try to reason the behavior or even look for a pattern. It's what happened after the screw in the wall that I feel compelled to share. I know others can learn from my error.
I lost it. It was the middle of a 14 hr work day for Ryan, so I was solo. All day, I'd been discipling out of love, holding him close or having him on my back. All that "Connected" stuff. Tons of hugs. But the Blackberry and the screw were my breaking point. I spanked E hard. I haven't done that in a long time and I felt immediately like I spanked him out of anger. So I put him in the tub and I called a close friend to talk me through. We prayed, I got off the phone and I apologized to my son. He stood up in the tub, saying "I forgive you, Mama," and then we both held each other tight, crying hard. I realized all we could do was pray, so we did. Something beautiful out of ugly. I unlocked the bathroom door and Zeke too was crying. Molly had a glass of water for me. Then Blake showed up, skinny and naked. He formed "God loves you," with his body (don't ask, I could never explain) then sang, "If you worry, your face will frown. Don't worry, be happy, now..dooo,do,do,do-do,do,do,do,do,do."

Should have said so.

2011-05-14T15:59:00.000-05:00

Size 6 Diaper.

Nighttime Pull-up.

Plastic cover.

Every night, this is what we layer my E in at bedtime (he isn't allowed fluids after 6, we wake him to pee, yada, yada, yada). Many nights, he still wet the bed. Poor kid, so big to have all those layers and wake up wet. I had been thinking that maybe he is just accustomed to the feel and the smell of being wet because he really didn't have an option with life in the orphanage. Monday, during his therapy, we talked a bit about his memories of bedtime before coming home. Later that night, Ryan and I told him "You know, if you wake up at night and you need to go potty, it would be good to get up and go." WELL, HELLO, MAMA.

He has woke up dry all week. All we had to do was give him permission. Geez. And thank you, God.

P.S. My father is sick and last night E was talking to him on my cell. He said "I want to pray for grandpa to get well." And then he did just that on his own accord over the phone. I don't know if I could be prouder. Two steps forward.....

2011-05-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

I am ashamed to admit this, but I think there is truth and growth in it,so here goes. Before we brought the boys home, I used to say that an advantage to international adoption was that we wouldn't have to "share" our children. I had this silly notion that a birth mom was some kind of threat. Now, if I think of Etienne and Zeke's birth mothers, I tear up. I long to know something of their story. To have a piece of my sons' beginnings. Was Etienne born with those long, thick eye lashes that everyone talks about? Was he always rolly-polly? When Zeke entered the world, did he just want to nestle into your neck, the way he still does now? Did your labor for hours in the rainy season? Were you alone or surrounded by other brave women? Was adoption always your plan or did life not give you a choice?
I think about what I would tell them if I could meet them face to face. I would say that I can never, ever begin to thank them for the gift that they gave me in trusting me to mother their children. The bravery, the love, the courage.
I would tell Etienne's birth mom that he is so full of love and that there isn't anything he can't take apart, fix or reinvent. His curiosity reflects his intelligence that maybe she passed onto him. I would thank Zeke's mom for his sparkly eyes and silly demeanor. I would share with her his love for reading and how reflective he is of the world around him. I would promise both women that although my love for my sons is was heart born and not organic, the depths are immeasurable and constant. I would share with them that there was a time, a dark and lonely place, when I told my husband that I just wanted to be able to someday say I would die for my boys. Now that someday is here.
These are older pictures, but Etienne's face is so reflective, which is how I see him when he doesn't know anyone is watching. This is also Zeke's true grin.

Mothers

2011-04-28T21:19:00.000-05:00

Snuggling with Zeke in bed tonight: (with his Barry White 3 year old voice)
"Mama, do I have step motha? If I did, I would be scared." (We've listened to Snow White lately)
"No, buddy. You have me forever. And you have a birth mother in Rwanda."
"Why did she have me?"
"You were in her tummy and she loved you but she couldn't care for you. She wanted me to be your mama."
"That was a good idea. And also, I know Jesus likes my twisty curls."
(There's me, tears running down my face, laughing hysterically. Pretty sure God was smiling too.)

Zeke the Rock Star

2011-04-26T17:58:00.000-05:00

Our happy Zeke has been growing his hair out for "Twisty Curls like a Rock star." I googled every African American hair website out there, found a youtube video, spent a lot of time (but very little $$)at Sally Beauty Supply and 3 happy hours twisting the Sparkly Eyed Toddler's hair. It isn't fabulous yet because his hair was still only 3 inches long....but it's a cool start! He loves it and loved every moment getting the hair done by mama. Of course, Zeke pretty much loves everything. Still, I saved the family $85 AND we had fun doing it.

Funny side note: Most adoptive families (or any family with multiple small kids for that matter) will agree that sleeping is a somewhat gray area. When we first came home, we had this crazy idea of putting Etienne in his own bed in with Blake. Zeke was in the crib (that's a relative term, "in") next to our bed. It didn't take long to realize E needed to share a bed, not just a room. So the youngest shacked together in the lower bunk, with big bro Blake above. As you can imagine, once the sleep issues began to fade, the fun began! Most nights, there were a lot of giggling fits and funny song lyrics drifting from the "big boy room." Until it lasted after midnight most nights. So we offered the spare room to Blake, who said "Why would I want my own room?!?" Of course, Etienne followed suit. Then we asked Zeke. His response, "I can have rock and roll room by myself?" So the baby has a big double bed with a guitar on the wall and last night he fell asleep singing to himself, "play that funky music, white boy. play that funky music LOUD." He is so, so happy. Take that, attachment experts!

Let's get real.

2011-04-18T15:56:00.000-05:00

Last week was definitely one of our "steps back." We had lots of lying, peeing/pooing, uncontrolled crying. You know, the ugly stuff. I posted on Thursday about our new approach (per the experts) and that we were giving it a go with the whole no reward/punishment thing. What I didn't share was all the anger I felt in doing this. I really, really lost it. After another day of lying and peeing, when Etienne was skipped on downstairs with his siblings to watch our Thursday night tradition, "Wipe Out." Gggrr!! It was infuriating to me that he'd had so many hurtful, disgusting behaviors yet were we still including him in the fun family activity. I literally had to separate myself from the entourage so that I could pray that God would just take that anger and fill it with love and patience. I pulled out Colossians and reread chapter 3, thinking that although I may not be bound by the sin of lust or filthy language, anger may be another story...
So Etienne tests my limits. He redefines "active." There is no pant that he won't wear through in less then 8 weeks. His sheets need changed at least a few times a week. The enormity of his heart is unreal. His theme song is "Don't Worry, Be Happy." His wants are simple. Sunday morning, knowing he was about to start whining, I made him spoon with me in bed. He sighed, started to suck his thumb, saying, "I sure like when we cuddle, Mama." And then I know God has replaced that anger with love.

3 Down and oh so many to go....

2011-04-14T17:13:00.000-05:00

3 down as in therapy sessions. The sessions are interesting, to say the least. Next time, Zeke isn't allowed to go because he answers everyone questions for them. For those who know Zeke, this is truly his style. Of course, he yells the "right" answer out in his Barry White voice with his sparkly eyes, making it difficult for anyone to do anything except kiss him. While Zeke yells answers out, Molly supervises Etienne's bouncing off the walls and enforces rules ("E, you can't do the worm while she's talking to you!") and Blake holds my hand.
All lightheartedness aside, we are getting some solid, experienced advice. The struggle is there because a lot of what we are being encouraged to do seems completely illogical. The biggest concept to wrap my brain around is that we don't have any big consequences for good or bad behavior. No more sticker charts, phone calls, etc. The only reward is over-the-top praise and encouragement when E makes a good choice; and praising his siblings like crazy to set an example. It's sort of working. We have been seeing progress with the exaggerated emotions too; and it's really funny when everyone does their mad face.
I am attempting to reprogram my brain and for the most part, I get it. Plus, none of our previous attempts at rewards, discipline or consequences ever worked (back to the fact that I have no mama gut instinct when it comes to post adoption life). Last night, Etienne peed AND pooped his pants. WHAT?!?!? We had a good day, fairly good week. There was no logic to it and it's pointless to guess (Was he tired? Angry at me for something?) Those are the actions that infuriate me but at least I am getting that I just can't get it. If that makes sense.
Accepting that I know nothing about mothering Etienne has become somewhat freeing. It's a relief to have a professional that just gets it in our corner too. And I think I've pinpointed part of my struggle. I've said that I won't accept that Etienne is broken. I've also realized I want him to be my son. Not my adopted son. Just my son.

Family Day

2011-04-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

This week was family week at Blake's preschool, so we thought we'd take advantage and do the shortened version of our adoption talk. The above book, We Belong Together, by Todd Parr, is one of my favorites. Each person in the book is a bright primary color so it's easy to initiate the topic of race. I grabbed this book, some plantains, the boys and some well intentioned expectations and headed to the YMCA.
I'm an educated woman so I knew I had just a little window of attention with the 4 year old crowd. We all rounded up into the circle, passed out the sweet plantains and I began to read. Well, I am so much more patient waiting on babies to be born than a group of preschoolers! I couldn't get through a page without a "nobody is really purple!" or "I didn't look like my mom when I came out of her tummy!" To say the least, I did appreciate the fact that the only ones really listening seemed to be my 3 sons....
After the story, I attempted to ask the crowd "How does your family help you?" Blake, knowing the routine, attempted to feed answers to his classmates "Aidan, say they kiss your boo-boos." We usually have a photo of a band-aid, another of some kids jumping rope, and a giant heart. The goal here is to point out that the things your family gives you have nothing to do with biology. I quickly realized I better just point out the obvious about Blake's brothers, tell the group its okay to look different and still be a family and get the heck out of Dodge. I left a little disheartened but the next morning a fellow preschool mom informed me that her son told her all about adoption. So mission accomplished. Whew. Good thing family week is only once a year.

Happy face, Sad face

2011-03-22T17:29:00.003-05:00

THRILLED does not begin to describe my emotions as we left our first appointment with our new agency. Is that weird? I don't care because I finally feel like we are getting somewhere; I didn't have defend or explain myself and the people we are working with have lots of experience. The therapist met with us and talked with Etienne alone too. In the end, she summed up: "He definitely has some RAD going on but it's nothing he won't overcome. He's bright, sweet and beautiful." As she said this, I teared up. Blake heard the change in my voice, entered the room and put his arm around my shoulder, saying "You okay, Mama, can I make you happy?" Within seconds, E followed Blake's lead, kissing my cheek. The therapist (we'll call her T), instructed me to tell Etienne what I was feeling and not to mask it. She also pointed out what great teachers Etienne's siblings were.
It was cool to witness someone who understands children who have been hurt. She knew just how to word questions and in doing so, I learned so much about more about my son. He clearly doesn't understand his emotions ("When Mama goes to work, I am angry so I want to eat a banana.") and his memory is HUGE ("Mama and Daddy got me from my friends, then we went to a hotel with play-dough.")
Our homework (note the pics) is to exaggerate our emotions and verbalize them as well. Etienne was supposed to draw a happy, sad and angry face; so we all did it together. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the hearts of all four of my kids and I am again reassured that 4 isn't too crowded because they all want to help E be happy. There is no jealousy, anger or resentment. Only love. How awesome is that?!?!

Scubbing toilets and such

2011-03-09T15:04:00.004-06:00

I am aware that I have some vastly different readers: those from BA (before adopting) and AA (after). I know that many of my readers are old friends, ones who fund raised, encouraged and prayed for us as we waited for our boys to come home; then there are the new friends, other families wondering through adoption like us. I am also aware that we are blessed. Our home is hysterical with nudity, laughter and one-liners. That’s what my FB status is for!
I too that I have committed to being honest and real and here’s the bottom line: Children who are not loved well suffer. Proving love to an orphan is messy, ongoing and grace-filled. BUT GOD ALWAYS WINS.
Last week, I met with a professional family counselor regarding services for Etienne. At first, I was hopeful because she too was an adoptive parent. Then my heart sank to my stomach as she said “You need to accept that your child will always have RAD (reactive attachment disorder)….this will always be a battle.” Ugh. We know that this is a long road. We also know that Ezekiel cried, screamed, his first 6 weeks home. Affection hurt him, eye contact frightened him, touching was painful. BUT GOD ALWAYS WINS. We know the rest of Zeke’s happy ending. Hope.
I too am learning how to parent Etienne. For awhile, we tried the time outs, spankings, etc. That didn’t work ( I know, I know, the experts are saying “I told you so!”). Every 10 days or so, my creative discipline doesn’t work any more and we have to go back to square one. Etienne just doesn't care. This week, lying leads to toilet scrubbing. I love it because chores=time together=bonding!, my boy learns a life skill AND I get a clean bathroom. Here’s to hoping this consequence works.

Many days, trying to take the nurturing approach to Etienne’s lying, hitting, punching, name calling, gets the best of me. Stinkin’ attachment issues. It would be easier to send him to a corner or to his room. But despite my frustration, Etienne calls “Mama, I listened!” from the Sunday school door and needs me to kiss his invisible boo-boos. Etienne wakes in the morning, praying “Jesus, thank you to help me not hurt others today.” He used to hoard his food, his water, his shoes; now he is officially “best sharer” of the house. GOD ALWAYS WINS. Little by little, He etches away at my little boy’s heart. My hope.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

2011-02-28T14:38:00.025-06:00

The bottom pic is actually titled "Not Crying" in our computer. We can all see the happy little boy he has become.

THIS IS FROM SEPT 2009, A FEW DAYS AFTER WE CAME HOME:
"In the days since we've been home, Zeke has become increasingly distant and fearful. It started out a few days ago that he yelled whenever we weren't holding him but has progressed to yelling all the time, including while we hold him. He won't look us in the eyes and tonight when I tried to lotion him after his bath he yelled louder and attempted to climb away from me; eventually trying to claw at my eyes. I prayed over him this whole time and we continue to try to feed him bottles, rock, sing, make him look us in the eyes, but he needs more than parents can give. I have also given him tylenol and motrin today, hoping that maybe something physical is wrong and we have a doctor appt in the morning. We know that we are so blessed by our friends who continue to pray for us and we need it now more than ever."

For those newer to our entourage, this was Zeke until Oct.24,2009. I remember that day as clear as giving birth. He just stopped crying, looked at me, and we fell in love. As Molly affectionately name him, "sparkly-eyed-smiley-face" has never looked back. When I meet people that tell me children can never get totally past RAD, I look at Zeke. He fills my heart with hope and he reminds everyone that God can fix any brokeness. Ryan will say that I baby him (so do Molly, Blake and their father!) and I know I do. He lets me and I still have to make up for the times before he came home. :) In honor of his birthday, here are some funny Ezekiel tidbits:
-He sings just like Barry White
-Zeke will eat and eat and eat and eat some more (including the vegetables he once despised!)
-Zeke will flip his eyelids inside out just to get his mom to freak.
-Molly is Zeke's warmer-upper after bathtime
-The kid has CRAZY memory. He can tell us directions to locations, that hippo pictures in the zoo don't have tongues or that Molly forgot to put her earrings in.
-When Zeke gets mad, he screams "underpants!!!"
-The boy could read books all day
-Every night Zeke gives huge hugs and rather aggressive "love pats"

Every day, I think of all the waiting parents in the world and I remember the physical ache that I felt until Zeke and Etienne were in my arms. Our life is sometimes inside out and backwards, but I wouldn't have it any other way; and on the extra painful days, our Zeke-ee Baby will yell "underpants" and we remember that we are all right.

Endurance

2011-02-18T10:53:00.000-06:00

A few days ago, after some entense E situations, I was in this place of hopelessness and anger. I kept focusing on how nothing was working. Poor us, blah, blah. I was getting angry at the well intentioned (but entirely off based) words of others. My awesome husband quickly reminded me that faith is finding endurance during the worst of times. It's easy to praise God while floating on peaceful waters, right? So I confessed to some friends and here we are moving forward again.
Yesterday Etienne was screened by with ELL in the schools and with a preschool instructor. We won't know formal results for a week or so, but the ELL gal made it clear that language comprehension our problem. That's good....
During the screening, Blake introduced himself: "I'm his FRIEND but also his brother." So grateful for that kind of love. Miss Molly checks in after school, "I prayed that E would have a good day and don't cry cause you are happy,mom." Zeke just laughs, that sparkly-eyed smiley face.
The pic is E working on words and matching opposites. The second is a spontaneous group hug. Poor Molly. Those nuns said "We have concern, all those boys.

Resources

2011-02-16T14:13:00.000-06:00

Here's the List of Resources I (grudgingly) have contacted in the past 24 hrs:
-Both Moms (grandma/nana)

-local public school screening program

-Boys Town national hotline

-program director, http://behavenkids.com/daytreatment-

-Sonic Vanilla Dr Pepper (X2)

-local YMCA for a formal apology

Think we are covered. I promise that we do our best to avoid drama. Some weeks are like that. I am not buying into the un-truth that life with an older adopted child will ALWAYS be like this. Neither should you.

The Thrill is Gone...

2011-02-12T17:53:00.002-06:00

...from the sticker chart, that is. We started off strong, Etienne was really excited at lunch and bedtime to earn his stickers and praise. Now, not so much. This has been the case with all our discipline with E. Last summer, time outs brought out the waterworks for a few weeks. Then it was sleeping in the spare room, rather then the "big boy" room. For a brief time, spankings were so, so sad. We also moved on to donating toys to the foster home every time someone hit/punched/kicked (BTW, I HIGHLY recommend this-cleaning, giving and punishment all in one!) Now, nothing. E has an amazing poker face. Ryan will say I am reading into this, but I feel like this is another coping mechanism that we have to break down to get to E's heart. I am, once again, longing for a more experienced adoptive mom of an older child to tell me what to do.

It feels deliberate.

2011-01-31T19:04:00.008-06:00

I know people read my blog partially for my transparency and recently I've been trying to focus on all the funny in our life. Believe me, there is a lot of funny with this entourage. Truthfully, though, Ryan and I are back to battling a lot of really UGLY attachment behaviors: lying, stealing and deliberate disobeying. Tonight I could really use a more experienced adoptive parent for advice. I am again brought to tears as Etienne sits in punishment for lying. It's killing me more now than ever. The lies are over really, really stupid things. (Finding him in our closet, going through a file cabinet and telling me "Dad said I could take a nap here." or having a mouth full of gum and saying "No, I don't have gum." Such obvious, silly, silly lies. The lies are primarily directed at me. He always comes clean to Ryan despite the fact that we are consistantly disciplining the same. It's more difficult now that we had a couple of weeks with minimal attachment stuff and it was so great!! Why, why, why God, is he doing this again? It's like when you have a new baby that sleeps through the night and then they start waking up again. We've also been battling some stealing. This really scares me. So far it's been limited to purses and bags of famliy members and a woman at a table next to us in Runza. Ugh. Luckily, the stranger was gracious and we caught him "red handed." Still. One great trait that Etienne has is that he really just goes with the flow. However, this is not good when we are punishing him. For example, we were making him donate a toy if he hit/punched/kicked/bit someone. The first couple of times it was so sad. Now he puts on his poker face and doesn't care. Ssssoooo....we are trying the old sticker chart. There are only 2 goals: NO HURTING OTHERS and NO LYING OR STEALING. Forget brushing our teeth, making the bed or putting toys away. I just want an honest little boy who won't hurt anyone. We'll work on the rest later. PS The couple above the sticker chart are E's Godparents and some of my favorite people, Jeff and Vicky. The reward for a week of stickers is a playdate with Jeff and Vicky. I even divided the days in half so we can hopefully get a reward part way through the day to promote more good..

Barbershops, Take 2

2011-01-29T08:29:00.003-06:00

Last month I shared our experience with the racist barber. You can imagine the entourage's reactions when I announced that it was once again haircut time. I know we needed to just love on that hateful man, but I weighed the pros and cons and decided Etienne deserved a good experience, not another teachable one. So off to the new barber we went. As soon as we walked into "Criss Cross" we met eyes with a familiar face. A little over a year ago, when we took E for his first haircut, a very nice man at the black barber school spent almost 2 hours patiently teaching me how to wash, oil and pick out Etienne's hair (while E, jabbering kinyarwandan mixed with tears, climbed the walls). Then he graduated and we never saw him again. We walked into the new place and he was our barber! He recognized us immediately and when he heard E talking, he began to cry. He told us he'd thought of us and always wondered how Etienne was doing and he could see how loved Etienne was now. What a gift! It is SO COOL how God loves us. There were 4 other very welcoming men and as Etienne got his haircut, Blake sat across from him, requesting a "twin" look. The man raised his eyebrows but went along with it. As you can see, Blake looks something like a mix of "Lloyd" from Dumb and Dumber and Eminem the rapper. I'm not too thrilled about that but over the moon that Blake and E want to be twins and that we finally have a barbershop full of friends. Betcha can't tell them apart. PS If you look close, Etienne is also missing some eyebrow. This is a result of he and B winking at each other throughout their simultaneousness haircuts.

Counting basketballs

2011-01-22T17:27:00.003-06:00

Last night at Blake's basketball practice, Etienne pointed out some basketballs that were stuck in the ceiling rafts. I asked him to count how many were stuck. He started, "1,2,3,4,5,6" (there were 3). Then I had him point to them and count. He got 5. So I put him face to face with me and asked him how many noses I had while placing his finger on my nose. Apparently I look like an Aliens character, I had 3 noses. Etienne can count to 20 and, until last night, I completely overlooked the fact that he has no comprehension of number value. So there I am in the YMCA fighting back tears and overreacting. Again. This seems to be my M.O. I know it isn't a big deal that he can't comprehend that; especially since English is his 3rd language. But still. How much else isn't he getting? My voices of reason (Ryan and my brother) both point out that love is an action and a feeling. Counting and opposites and colors are not felt. I appreciate that and also that God gives me these not so subtle reminders that our work is never done. Thank goodness for my voices of reason to keep me off the pantry floor!

True Blue

2011-01-15T07:22:00.007-06:00

This is Molly with her closest girl friends, Rachel and Trinity. None of these girls lives in the same part of town, attend the same school or activity. God brought them (and their families) together somewhere during our lovely period we like to call transition. Molly has been so blessed by these two little girl's friendships. They have a heart for God, are crazy smart, think adoption is the norm and love giant bubble baths together. I am aware, because I have been experiencing it, that our life with Etienne and Zeke has isolated us in many ways. We've lost a lot to gain so much. I am still struggling to balance old relationships with new ones; at least my Molly has figured this out. I went through a time where, if you didn't get what we were doing, then you just couldn't be a part of our lives. It was that instinct to protect my kids and to protect my heart from people that meant well but didn't understand the depths of the pain we were all experiencing as we tried to help E and Zeke learn to love. So now I am trying to back off the mama bear mode a bit and figure out what it looks like to be more grace-filled with the outside world. God has given me some awesome friends here whom I can share life with but I know that He also wants me to be living missionally with people who haven't adopted, aren't connected to Rwanda or have no idea what transition/attachment/bonding means!

He's trying.

2011-01-05T16:12:00.010-06:00

This is how amazing Molly is. See the first picture, Etienne with his clenched fists? This is how E keeps his hands if he isn't touching/breaking/reconstructing things. He's trying so hard. Ryan and I have noticed he holds his hands this way,so we've started rubbing them or opening them. Molly pays attention and she wants Etienne to get it. So she sat down with him for some Electric Company and held his hands. Counting every little (big)blessing as we get through this transition.

No More 'fro...

2010-12-30T21:10:00.004-06:00

We take all 3 boys to the barber school for a number of reasons: 1.It's $5! 2. There a mostly black men for Etienne and Zeke to hang with 3. It's $5!!!! Last Thursday was no exception. We've been going to the same barber school for over a year now, and they've been so kind and helpful to teach us how to properly (and respectfully) care for the boys' hair. Etienne had an older man, probably in his late 50s, cut his hair this trip. Etienne LOVES any attention to his hair, which is partly the reason for the 'fro, because it's high maintanence. The moment E sat in this man's chair, the criticism started. First it was that we don't cut his hair frequently enough, then that we should just choose a style already, and finally that Etienne wouldn't cry if he wasn't afraid of getting his hair combed. Etienne was crying, sobbing, because the man was pulling roughly and raising his voice at us. The comments started vaguely but worked their way to saying that we don't know how to care for our son and it's my fault he is crying. By this point, I was forehead to forehead with E, covered in hair, praying and singing to him. I mostly tuned the man out, but I could definately feel every eye in the place on me. I left ashamed, angry and in tears. It was clear that this man believed a white woman has no business with a black son. After a good cry, Ryan convinced me that I needed to let his superviser know what happened. We spoke later, and I hadn't a word out before he said "I've seen your HAPPY Son and I was afraid of what I was witnessing today. I so sorry that you felt judged." His apology was genuine and it comforted me. As a friend said later, "God cares even about hair cuts." He used a horribly hateful experience as a bonding moment for Etienne and I as we cried together. He gave me the opportunity to talk to Molly and Blake about it (they saw the whole thing) and we prayed for that man's hurt/hate. So we tried for lemonade. I am wondering how other transracial families deal with this. Do we boycott the place or show up again with forgiveness? Should I have addressed his racism? I hope that with my actions I displayed only love for my son and that that man saw a new perspective in what defines family. (PS, for the record, the teacher said E's hair was the "healthiest in the joint."

16 and pregnant...

2010-12-23T11:02:00.002-06:00

I confess, I watched the season finale of "16 and Pregnant," (again, don't judge) because Adoptive Family Magazine had given it praise on it's reflection of adoption. That was a mistake. Ryan found me in bed, crying under the flannels, overcome with grief. MTV didn't glamorize teen pregnancy and their reflection of a birth mom's decisions was respectful and totally pro-adoption. The truth is, the show made me feel like I have not given Etienne and Zeke's birth moms enough thought or grief. Two years ago, when we were waiting for a referral, I said random prayers for our birth moms. A year ago, when we were just trying to survive moment to moment, I never thought about those women in Rwanda. Now, after being home 15 months with E and Zeke, I can't even think about that last moment without aching. How that would have felt to set your child down; knowing you would never feel them or smell their breath or hear them cry again. That the life you had forced you to walk away. Not long ago, a woman from our church, who has a heart for God and I love dearly, said something along the lines of "that will be hard for the boys to know that their mother couldn't love them enough to keep them." It was like a punch in the stomach. I guess I just assumed that people in my generation understood that the act of placing a child in adoption is the most sacrifical gift of love a parent could give. I realized that our duty to our 2 birth moms in East Africa will never end. I will defend their love for my boys until everyone gets what love they have.

Dinner Talk

2010-12-16T19:16:00.004-06:00

Blake: "Hey, Mama, I'm pretty sure when I was in your stomach and you ate food, it landed on my head." Etienne: "ME TOO! When I was in in your tummy!" Me (in my head, ohmygosh, this conversation is actually happening!!): "Buddy, you weren't ever in my tummy, just in my heart. There was a lady in Rwanda that had you in her tummy and she wanted me to be your mama." Zeke: "That's a good idea!!"

A glimpse at awesome!

2010-12-08T09:11:00.002-06:00

We have had over a week of mostly NORMAL behavior with Etienne! I am going to share our plan of attack (don't judge) only because I am keenly aware of the other sweet Rwandan kiddos out there they may just be getting over the Honeymoon phase of being adopted. To catch up, Etienne had previously been potty trained. Over the summer, he digressed big time with a lot of attachment issues. One of them being peeing and/or pooping in his underwear. He reserved this joy for mama only. After a lot of prayer and some advice from professionals, we decided to continue to put him in underwear but each time he peed/pooed we took away ALL big boy privledges. We decided not to discipline but to tell him how much we loved him and if he needed to do baby behavior, then he would have to do baby sleeping/activities, etc. The other trick that we have had great results with is that we have held him or worn him on our back immediately after each discipline. Pulling him in rather than letting him return to what he was previously doing. Please know that I am fully aware that I am not an expert or do I think we have it figured out. We have NO IDEA what we are doing. That is the beauty of letting God lead. He has put some resources in our pocket and we have totally let go of any parenting instinct we thought we had. It is a crazy ride that is giving us a few more awesome days and less time crying in the pantry.

A Glimpse.....

2010-11-29T12:37:00.002-06:00

Last week was Etienne's 4th birthday. I prayed diligently for several days that his behavior could be improved at least for one day. We didn't want to have his special day filled with time-outs and discipline. God is good. Etienne did exceptionally well for any child. He even managed to survive the Thanksgiving holiday by showing some self regulating when he got overstimulated. Any change-even having someone for dinner-typically seems to send E into RAD mode. Not for his birthday or Thanksgiving! Here is my grateful E list: - Etienne can turn anything into a toy. He is never, ever bored. -E is always curious. He thirsts to understand everything (I am sure that some of you know the challenge of this blessing!!) -E isn't picky -Etienne will rub my back or my arms to sooth me when we are having a bad day. -Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, is drawn to him. I have notes from volunteers that remember him as a baby. Strangers talk to him. He engages people. -His eyelashes -Etienne's love of his brothers and sister. -He is learning to pray - He is great at make believe.

2010-11-22T17:58:00.003-06:00

I cooked plantains today for Molly's class. She did a persuasion paper on adoption, and being National Adoption Month, we joined her today (no pics allowed). For those who aren't haven't had them, plantains are a staple in most developing countries. They look like a long bananna but on the inside have the texture and taste of a sweet potato. With butter, sugar and cinnamon, they are yummy! I've gotten a lot of crazy reactions since becoming a Rwanda mama (for a zillion reasons). When I say I am cooking Rwandan chicken or discovering East Africa recipes, I get even more mixed responses. I don't really get why becuase when we chose international adoption, we knew that whatever country God led us to our children, that that country would be "ours." We are now Rwandan-Americans because our kids are. Doesn't that seem logical than that we would want to embrace the culture? There is a lot of newer research out there looking at children adopted into transracial families and long term well being. Overwhelmingly, the kids who were acknowledged that they were different had more self-confidence. So the "love sees no color" thing doesn't actually apply. In other words, if we always pretend that E and Zeke are exactly the same, if we don't talk about their differences or their Rwandan culture, that will encourage them to be ashamed of their obvious differences. "If mama and daddy never mention that I'm black maybe that's weird or maybe I shouldn't let others know where I'm from..." I think it's a tricky balance of treating adoptive children equally, but also differently, from biological siblings; and I may not be doing it right. But I do love research based evidence and plantains.

ouch!

2010-11-15T09:30:00.003-06:00

Friday night we had our first big snow of the season and all the kids were out enjoying it. I snapped a few shots of Zeke, overjoyed, catching snowflakes in his mouth. About 5 minutes into it, he began to cry. We brought him in as he cried and cried. Ryan and I were laughing at our little Rwandan's dislike of cold. He cried through a warm bath and then wanted wrapped, head to toe, in a super soft blanket. I rocked him to sleep, enjoying the snuggle time Saturday morning, Blake took Zeke down the sled 2 or 3 times; they laughed and giggled, loving every minute. Then Zeke began crying again. Really hard. We brought him in. He took a warm shower with me and then, crying, wanted Daddy to hold him really tight for a good 30 minutes. We looked at each other, thinking this wasn't just a 2 year old moment. Something wasn't right. Ah-ha! I pulled out our old binder from our home study class and thumbed through post adoption issues. Maybe this was a sensory issue? Sure enough. I get really conscious of not labeling Etienne and Zeke's behaviors to "because they are adopted." I don't want to label them and I am completely aware that mothering is not easy, regardless of your child's starting point.....that said, I also completely know my boys struggle bigger battles then Molly and Blake had to at their ages. Sensory processing disorder occurs when a kiddo (or adult) can't seem to process sensory messages coming from the environment in a smooth and efficient manner. Children with sensory processing problems often feel confused, afraid, oblivious, assaulted or angry when confronted with sensations that other children their age take in stride. These emotions may in turn play out in their behaviors. It can be a processing disruption from touch, sound, taste and vision. The disruption occurs in kids who have had extremely stressful experiences or beginnings in their lives and their brain needs time to learn to organize the senses as it receives them. BUT the brain is constantly learning and GOD ALWAYS WINS. In Zeke, as I refreshed myself on the sensory stuff, I realized he does a few of the following things besides his sensitivity to temperatures. -gagging on foods -tripping and running into things -talking CRAZY LOUD. Saying "what? what? what?" -when he is upset, he definately prefers to be swaddled and held really tight. We didn't realize last winter when we were swaddling him all the time that this action really helped with his senses being overstimulated. I found an article in which an 11year old said this "when I go outside in the winter, it feels like I have fiberglass in my clothes." Ouch! I don't write my blog to really be a resource guide, but rather a "don't do what I did" kinda source. I am going to read up on how to help his sweet brain to process a bit better. We are going to be more patient to Zeke's little idiocincricies, and keep getting him hats. He loves, loves, loves his hats. And now I know why!

Seeking experienced mama advice....

2010-11-08T13:16:00.003-06:00

So here's the scenerio: Your adopted 3/4 year old-ish son (home 10 months when this starts) is potty trained. Has been since being adopted. Then you go out of town for your anniversary and he decides the honeymoon phase of being adopted int his family is over. You work hard on the bonding, resorting to silliness, babying, allowing diapers, feedings, etc. Then, 3 months into the madness, you learn that he is 100% using the potty for everyone else in his life. Goodbye, diapers! No more "big boy" privledges. So on a usual day, you are playing all morning at the park, come home for lunch and remind him to use the potty. He flat out refuses. You remind him that there are consequences to pottying his pants.....10 minutes later, he has peed himself. Do you: 1. make him clean himself and laundry up. Then resume day. 2. spank him, then carry him around the rest of the day 3. put him back in diapers I honestly want feedback on this. I am tired of the people in our lives that "don't get it." I really do want our amazing family, both biological and through adoption, to help me on this...

What to do, what to do....

2010-11-04T20:32:00.003-05:00

Last Friday I joined a dear friend to help out with a slumber party over the dinner hour; I was gone from 5:30 to 8:30. Mama is never gone over the dinner/bathtime hour and when I came back I had learned that Etienne had pooped his pants.Gggrr. We have had him in diapers because during the summer he had regressed and our stand had been, "if he needs to be a baby, we will work on bonding." Fast forward to Monday. I mention this to Laurel, (everyone needs a Laurel), our beloved sitter/nanny. She's been coming over 1 or 2 days a week since the messy beginnings. Laurel says "Actually, I haven't even had to help E with pottying since probably before summer." WHAT?!?!? Again with the no mama instinct. My growing adoptive mama instincts are that Etienne is peeing/pooping for us because he is still trying to get that we are his parents forever. My old mama instinct is mad!! He's playing us, right?! Side note: Laurel is amazing. She is in college and she has committed her time, energy and heart to nurturing my kiddos on the days I play midwife. She loves God and she takes everything with prayer. I seriously tear up when I think about trying to work if God hadn't given her to us. Thanks, LaLa. Anyway, I am not going to share yet our plan this week because I don't have confidence that it is right or not. I just want, long to have Etienne's heart completely but I don't want to play the fool. Wet pants or diaper? TBA...

The "sparkly-eyed smiley face"

2010-11-02T17:41:00.006-05:00

A year ago, most of my blogs were about the struggle with our little Zeke-baby. For those who may have forgotten, Zeke literally screamed from the time we got off the airplane until October 23, 2009. That day, he decided to be loved. Our baby hasn't turned back since. Many days, when I have no mama instinct for what step to take next with Etienne, I hear Zeke's little Barry White voice and see his smiling eyes, and I know we are in God's hands. Zeke is constantly yelling (in a happy, silly voice), while trying to keep up with his brothers. If he isn't bossing them around, he is in Molly's lap or in the time out corner. The little boy has his siblings wrapped around his pinky. Molly calls him her "sparkly eyed smiley face," which is totally him. He is joy.

Amazed

2010-10-26T20:55:00.003-05:00

Something so utterly amazing has been happening with Etienne. Initially, I hesitated to post this because I thought of the sceptics/agnostics/doubters that I know read my blog...then I remembered I didn't care! Over the summer, one of my beloved Rwanda sisters shared with me that she had experienced some overwhelming thoughts of E,as an adult, singing and happy. She had this occur during church, while singing "Mighty to Save." This song is especially significant to us because we sang this in during our darkest moments in Africa. "Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing Let mercy fall on me Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a savior, the hope of nations Savior, He can move a mountain, our God is Mighty to save..." Yesterday I arrived at work and a coworker pulled me aside. Mind you, this woman is a coworker. Although I know I am transparent on my blog, I have become very guarded as to how much I share with very many people regarding our struggles with bonding/attachment. She said, "Did anything happen with E on Sunday?" I shook my head no, nothing out of the ordinary. She said, "In church, we were singing this "Savior, He can move a mountain" song and I couldn't stop praying for Etienne." WHAT?!?!!?!??! I told her about our other dear friend's same experience in July and she just lost it (something we'd never shared with anyone). There we were, crying together at how cool God is. This is why no matter how long I need to hold E at night, how many diapers he goes through, lies he tells, it doesn't matter. Bring it. God always wins.

"I'm Different"

2010-10-21T19:29:00.003-05:00

Molly, Etienne, Zeke and Blake sharing the breakfast table: Etienne: "Mama, I think I'm different" Me: (gulp, I know I'm ready, right!?!?) "You're right, buddy, you are, but God wanted you that way and so did we." Blake: "Eeettttiiiiieeennnneeee!!!! Just because you are chocolate and I am vanilla, we still have 2 elbows!" Molly: "And the same Mama and Daddy." Zeke: "I'm batman." Etienne: "Ok. Can I have a bananna?" I love my life. Its messy and crazy and awesome.

a deeper hurt...

2010-10-08T20:46:00.004-05:00

These past few weeks we've really felt like we are uncovering a deeper hurt in Etienne. The sobbing,lying, the apologizing, lack of sleep, all the RAD behaviors have just increased and multiplied. As a believer, I have been to new depths of prayer and diving into my bible more than ever. This is good, right?! Emotionally, I am as drained as I was a year ago but I feel stronger spiritually than I ever have. If I need to fight for Etienne's heart, than bring it on. I could not imagine surviving without my fellow Rwanda Mamas. There is a bond between us that is lifelong and their encouragement and prayer these past few weeks, more than ever, has sustained me. My father-in-law reminded me of how funny our daily life is and I need to share the comedy. There really is never a dull moment.. -So Zeke knows I am a "baby catcher" and its the norm to talk about pregnancy, birth, etc. Last night he was snuggling me and said something about "Zekee in mama's tummy." When I told him that he came didn't come out of my tummy, he opened his eyes really wide, rolled them and fell straight back in shock. It was actually hysterical. A funny birth mom/adoptive mama talk. -Items (to date) used to slide down the stairs: a mini couch, a serving platter, sleeping bags, the dog (totally didn't work), cardboard, a sled. -The boys were in a wedding last weekend and Etienne ROCKED the Calvin Klein tux. He literally did not want to remove even the coat no matter how hot he was. While he sweat in all the layers, Blake wooed some college coeds and Zeke ran circles on the dance floor. -During discipline/time-outs, Zeke now cries "Molly, Molly." Today I told him that Molly would put him in time out too for being naughty and she replied, "Actually, Mom, I totally wouldn't because he's a sparkly-eyed smiley face." - Out closet is now occasionally used for the boys to sleep in (don't tell our social worker) -it is entirely possible for 3 little boys to share a toilet at the same time. When this occurs, all participating parties are required to then join in clean up efforts. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for encouraging me to share our pain and our milestones. Etienne is now consistantly asking to be on my back when he is unable to calm down. He also went to football with grandpa and DID NOT hug anyone he didn't know. These are big steps that we rejoice over. To be continued...

Peeling the Onion

2010-09-28T14:00:00.003-05:00

We are over a year home, so to the outside world, nothing is new anymore. But Etienne is like an onion to me, his little core seems to be hollow without love and until we get him peeled, all of the peeing, uncontrollable crying, lying, RAD behaviors aren't really gonna get a whole lot better. I realize that the best thing for Ryan and I to do is just keep pulling him closer when he resists us and loving him harder. The last few weeks, we've started saying "Dear God, please help E know mama and daddy and GOD always love him." He repeats that over and over when he can't be consoled. I just feel like that simple prayer is all he really needs to overcome the RAD behaviors that we are seeing more and more of. Jeremiah 31:13 talks about God turning sorrow to joy. I really feel like that is where we are now; when E cries, I cry. I hurt deeply for him. Honestly, 3 months ago, I didn't. I felt frustrated. Sad. Sad like "he was an orphan" sad. Now I physically hurt and grief with him the way I always have with Molly or Blake and even Zeke. I consider that grief and sorrow to also be a joy because Etienne is my son and what hurts him, hurts me.

Attachment Stuff

2010-09-19T14:00:00.002-05:00

If many adoptive parents out there are like me, they read every book written during their waiting for their referral. I became very knowledgable about all subjects relating to the psychology of adoption. Even last fall, in the midst of screaming and chaos, I read a few books on attachment and bonding. Apparently, I didn't retain a lot of what I read. This last week, when we had our 1 year post adoption study, the social worker reviewed with us that a lot of our battles are related to attachment/bonding. Here are a few common signs of attachment disorder: -resist parental affection on parents -hypervigilant/hypersensitive -obvious lies -lack of impulse control -poor peer relationships -manipulative-very charming and engaging -incessant chatter -very concerned about tiny hurts but extremely high pain tolerance -fasinated with punching/kicking/play fighting -indiscriminately affectionate with strangers -inappropriately clingy These are a few commonly seen signs of attachment disorder. Ryan and I totally don't believe in classifying or labeling kids. We are shocked at how almost every item on the list fits Etienne; but we also find it reassuring that this is the major battle we need to overcome with him. It is so frustrating that Etienne melts when a fly lands on him but gets his fingers stuck in the van door and doesn't shed a tear. My instinct lately has been to pull Etienne closer when his behavior begins to escalate, and apparently this is the better way to respond. He continues to show more signs of affection toward me (YIPPEE!!) and we are making baby steps with the falling asleep at night. I guess my ability to be transparent is mostly a good thing-kind of a "don't do what I did" guide to adoption. Today's point: there might not be a lot of value to reading all those books so early if you can't retain the information when you need it! It's a wonder I made it through grad school with my brain's lack of retention...

A Week of Reflecting (and more diapers)

2010-09-12T17:07:00.006-05:00

Another Etienne moment: Last Friday when I went to work, E cried. Really hard. This is a "first" for us because until that day, it didn't matter if I stayed or went. I was, of course, was saying prayers of thanksgiving that all my efforts had worked. Another sign of bonding. He even had to call me at work to talk to me. We woke up Saturday morning, after the tears on Friday, to find E covered in his own poo-all over his hair, arms and bedding. Since than, he's gone back to wearing diapers and is having so many more issues with discipline, sleeping, etc. It doesn't take an adoption expert to notice the corelation between him and I bonding and regression of behaviors. Ggggrrrr....

Initially, Ryan and I were on the fence about how to respond to this. He knows pooping his pants, and especially playing with it, is very wrong. It is important for him to learn to cope with things that upset him and this is not coping or tolerable. He'd been potty trained for a long time too! However, all these facts considered, we came to the agreement that this all seems to be a result of him becoming bonded with his mama. And our big, almost 4 year old never had a mommy before me. Because of that, I have got to give him some grace with this. Our solution right now is to try to ignore it because disciplining, in his eyes, is just another way to get attention. SO....we are putting Etienne in a diaper as disgusting and frustrating as it is for me. It may not be the "right" solution according to the experts, but this is the plan for now.

We've stetched out out Gotcha Day to many days with many loved ones of sorts. For our Missional Community (small group) I made Rwandan Chicken and White Beans. With our Omaha family, we had ice cream and cookies another night. The boys also hung the Rwandan flag on the door for the week. As they get older, I hope we can look at our pictures together but right now its too soon, too fresh.

In a Year...

2010-09-08T12:51:00.005-05:00

What a difference a year has made.

Our referral pic of Etienne, in July, 2009.

Ezekiel (Daniel at the time) in July, 2009 at HOH

It's been a year since we met our boys. Sept 9, 2009 is our Gotcha Day. Here's a few changes that we've had in our family since that sweeet day:

-Etienne now wears shoes willingly

-Zeke smiles, laughs and loves

-Blake has transfomed into a thoughtful, helpful, caring BIG(by age, not size!) brother

-No one is afraid of shadows

-Molly has a heart for orphans

-Etienne is learning what trust means

-Giardia is finally (knock on wood, please) gone

- Let go of the clean house

- Both boys love snuggling, hugs and kisses

- Both boys (as of last Friday!) show preference for Mom and Dad over strangers

- Ryan and I went from sharing our room with 2 boys, to 1 to none. Whew! Good to have that grown up space back again. :)

- Etienne has grown 8 inches and gained 2 lbs; Zeke has grown 5 inches, 2 lbs and 22 teeth

- I have learned that some of my best friends aren't neccessarily close at hand, but in heart. I've learned that those I thought we friends weren't. I've learned that my husband is more than amazing and I'd totally marry him all over again...

- We've been transformed, all 6 of us, by what grace truly means.

We have much more reflecting to do as this special week unfolds. I wish I could serve you all an ice cream as a thank you for helping me survive this first year.

Can of Worms

2010-08-28T18:19:00.002-05:00

I had to process this experience before I could write about it. It's a hot topic in the adoption world and beyond... A couple weeks ago my mom and I were walking out of a diner, with the entourage in tow. As we passed by an attractive African American couple, the man gave a "tisk-tisk," shook his head and frowned at us. Totally, clearly directed at my family. I kept on walking, loaded the kids in the van, then pulled into the handicap stall in front, with every intention of saying something to him. Then I remembered what Jesus commanded: "love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)." To be honest, I couldn't pray for him. I did pray for Etienne and Zeke, that somehow their little hearts would be protected from this. I really didn't have a plan for what I'd say. So my awesome husband and I talked about it and decided "You can go to the orphanage and see 115 kids and love one too" would be the best response. The thing is, we thought and talked about the subject of judgement by other African Americans llloooonnngggg before we'd even completed our dossier. I don't know any biracial family that didn't give a whole lot of thought and prayer to becoming so. I've been told that some African Americans feel that a black child should be raised by other African Americans because they need to know their culture, roots, pride, etc. Every Rwanda mama that I love makes so many efforts to learn and respect AA hair care, to expose their family to black culture, searches high and low for any and everything Rwanda related. So I know that this will happen to our entourage for the rest of our lives. I knew when Ryan and I prayed about becoming parents to a black child(ren). The truth is, no conversation, book or expert could have prepared my heart for the hurt I felt to be judged so hatefully. It isn't about race. It's about love.

E and the Ergo

2010-08-21T19:50:00.003-05:00

I knew that Ryan going to back to school would send poor Etienne spinning. This past week was especially difficult for him to fall asleep without getting banished from the "big boy room," over the top crying and he's had a crazy amount of time outs.

Thursday by lunchtime we were up to 5 time outs, all for either hitting or pushing someone. At the playground, on top of a slide, Etienne pushed Blake full force off the top. I saw the whole thing clearly because I was standing within 3 feet of them. My reaction was to just pick Etienne up, planning to make him sit the rest of the time with me. E had other ideas. SCREAMING "DON'T SPANK ME, DON'T SPANK ME!" over and over at the top of his lungs. Yikes. In front of dozens of other parents. I couldn't get him to quiet down or stop screaming, and the other 2 boys were ready to go. So I put all 43 lbs of Etienne on the Ergo, mostly because I couldn't carry him and hold the other two's hands. At first he became angrier but within a few minutes, Etienne had stopped crying and was relaxing into me. The rest of the day, after every time out, I put him on my back for 10 or 15 minutes. Etienne was able to stop crying more quickly and seemed to love the closeness.

Man, why didn't I think of this sooner? Oh ya. I had all the "experts" telling me about bounderies and discipline; not to mention the physical challenge of my hefty boy being attached to me! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that my 4 kiddos are well behaved as a result of our strict parenting but we are so behind in the bonding department with Etienne. If I could hit a rewind button, I would totally have given Etienne a lot more affection despite his resistence to it. But life has no "do over," so I have a new approach yet again. I feel rejuvenated too and I know that is just God working within my spirit to see my little buddy through His eyes.

The Ergo has helped in just a few days. Etienne wanted to sit on my lap during prayers last night! I took a brain photo of that moment because this is honestly the first time he ever wanted me. So I may need a back massage and realignment for my birthday, but I will continue to put my 43lb E on my back.

Fun Mommy

2010-08-12T09:16:00.003-05:00

I've shared before how Etienne prefers Ryan (and basically all men) over me. I state this not for sympathy but simply as a fact. In the night, he calls for Daddy. If there is an ouchie to be kissed, E founds Daddy. I am okay with this most of the time, but the truth is I need to work on not being jealous and instead rejoice that my child has such an amazing, loving, patient father.

Ryan gently suggested to me early in the summer that I be more playful and "fun." Hence the jumping and spinning when E holds hands with me, daily mommy dinosaur wrestling games, and forcing myself to laugh more. This is why I am sharing a photo of me, in a Sunday dress with mud on my cheeks, going down the slip 'n' slide. It was totally fun, memorable and worth it. Molly was altogether annoyed with me but before she could complain too much, Ryan had joined in. It feels so good to have fun and it makes me realize what a rough year its been. Forcing fun is a very good plan indeed.

They still stare

2010-08-03T09:26:00.002-05:00

We are adapting to people noticing our family and are well aware that no matter how many years we've had our boys, it will still be new to the general public. That's cool. Most of the time, Ryan and I feel like we get a lot of smiles (who wouldn't smile at those cute kids!). Last night I did not get those smiles... I run a tight ship. Overuse of "please" and "thanks" is encouraged. Look people in the eyes; walk, don't run in public. Don't run away from your family. Ever. So we were at a "kids eat free" night with some dear friends and there were 7 kids between us- we get our $$ worth on a night out! There was quite chatter on the kid end of the table and we'd just commented on how great it is that we can go together and have a pleasant time. Ryan went to take Zeke to the potty and Etienne said he wanted to go. I told him I would take him when they returned and to please wait. I looked away for a moment and he was no longer next to me. The restaurant is huge and there are kids everywhere. I found him quickly running down a hall alone. Of course, we then had to find the bathroom for a timeout. When E gets a time out or any form of discipline, he immediately begins crying LOUDLY and chanting, "sorry, sorry,sorry." You can imagine the stares. I am working on not discplining out of anger and I don't raise my voice. But I still got plenty of judgement with his sobbing and my attempting to address the disobedience. I realized that this is a normal parenting moment whether your kid looks like you or not. We just made it really obvious and Ryan and I are trying to determine how to get a 3 year old to have geniune repentence for a wrong without overreacting and creating a scene. Hhhhmmm....I guess if we figure that out, we could really get somewhere!